To want the pointless exchange of presents to stop

[UneasyMe]

Not for kids. For adults. The shopping ruins the otherwise lovely run-up to Christmas day every single year. I’ve tried to stop it a few times but my family resists. WHY? None of us needs any more stuff! We just need time, and peace.

My ILs insist on me sending through a huge list for them to buy from, so from August onwards I put anything I really like but don't need immediately on a long list of links, various prices and shops. Add in a couple of vouchers and good quality things for the house that will last.

Some of it I genuinely need, some of it I don't need but like. Tend to include mundane items.

I get about 60% of what I list, often having had a "better" (more expensive) version substituted pointlessly and against my taste, some things I really need skipped entirely, vouchers for very much the wrong shops and on top of that a few random choices just because MIL doesn't like some of the items on my list.

Drives me batty because it's Lovely and Generous behaviour, making me a Grumpy Git for disliking the fact that they've made me go to all that effort for an expensive pile of gifts where 50% goes to a charity shop.

My parents give us a lump sum of cash and about a tenner of charity vintage items. Some great, some awful, but a lot less waste and guilt involved.

I saw @Brefugee comment as ironic / sarcastic humour.

Completely agree.

This. Both DH and my families now do secret Santas for the adults. Kids are now an issue for us though. We don't have any, but have 7 great-nephews and nieces between us ranging from 2 weeks to 6 years. They don't need any more clothes or toys and vouchers/cash seems mean and won't give them anything fun to open on the day. I would love a simple solution.

Our family does Secret Santa, <£20, homemade, or bought from a local independent shop/charity.

I hope you're right, but I didn't see it like that

We stopped it years ago. I simply explained to people……..”you buy me a gift costing £x and I buy you a gift costing £x. Neither of us need or want those gifts, we’re both out of pocket, other than the retailer who now has several times £x and less tat on the shelf”
I would far sooner have special time with my siblings - parents are both dead - and also be able to play games with my grandchildren, nieces and nephews than receive a thousand gifts.
Come on people, use your common sense.

I was out yesterday with a relative and he was buying gifts for brothers and sisters plus all their kids. Everyone of them is an adult, the youngest is mid 20s.

When I said it was ridiculous him worrying about what to buy for adults and why don't they jettison the yearly grind of present buying and he said he'd love to but the others won't.

I have a friend in a similar boat, it's expensive and most of what is bought I'm pretty sure ends up being regifted, charity shop or stuck in a cupboard somewhere to fester away as the recipient has no use for it.

I can count on one hand the amount of times in my life someone has bought me a gift, without being instructed as to what to get, that I’ve liked and kept. I’d definitely stop the whole thing except for the kids for whom it isn’t a zero sum game.

I would love to stop gifts and do charity donations instead. I don’t need more stuff and nor do my relatives. I tried it during the pandemic where buying presents felt really off but felt like a martyr or the fun police.

As soon as Halloween has passed, we are bombarded with Christmas cheer. The manipulation has no subtlety. I don’t mind stuff being available as people like to spread the cost but even that is probably people trying to live out some concocted ideal.

I personally think the joy of Christmas is in the lights, the music, the decorations, time off and the being together. The rest is often a terrible waste.

We’ve started doing family secret santa for adults: £30-40 limit. I honestly think more thought goes in as the budget isn’t large and you know that person will only get 1 family gift.

We do this too! Everyone makes a list on the website "Draw names", so it's really easy, or you can of course choose your own gift for them. It really takes the stress out. You can set it so no-one gets their spouse or the person they had last year. You can also add a child list that anyone can choose from, which is great for helping family choose for DD and they can check off what they get so no duplicates. Not affiliated with the website or anything (it's free - think they get money through affiliate links to Amazon etc), but it's worked well for us!

We still do adult presents (except my grumpy Scrooge Dbro, who doesn’t really do Christmas anyway) but we stick to the sort of small, treat-type edibles people probably wouldn’t buy for themselves. Nobody wants any more ‘stuff’.

If they tell me anything very specific, I’ll buy it for adult dds, but it’ll mostly be cash.
One year just before Christmas, dd1 said she’d like one of those double kitchen waste bins, so I had a look at John Lewis online - it was delivered to dd the following morning!

For young kids, I buy a board game for the family, a Christmas decoration for the tree, and make lebkuchen iced with the letters of their name.

Or else buy/contribute to tickets for a Christmas event.

This type of opinion really brings me down.
Just buy lots, buy cheap. The environment will go to hell, who cares.

Do you actually don't belive in climate change? Can you not see how consuming like this will lead to your kids having to pay a huge price? Do we have to wait till we have a shortage of food, or our houses being flooded and no insurance company able to pay for the damage to stop buying shite?

yes, i was clearly being utterly truthful.

I have never bought tat, and i never receive tat.
We make lists of things we'd like and everyone in the family buys as much or as little for anyone we want to buy for. It really isn't rocket science.

One of my DC is very minimalist: so they get things like handcream and showergel or other consumables, but they get a more luxurious version of the ones they regularly get.

etc etc.

But really, we are all adults: if you don't want to buy anything, then don't. It will cause maximum one uncomfortable Christmas and everyone will have got the message.

I agree. Christmas should mainly be for children. I get my Christmas enjoyment from them being happy.

Yep, the annual exchange of landfill stopped in my house 10 years ago. My adult son was very reluctant to stop buying me stuff, until I explained that it'll be entirely his problem to dispose of all the tat when I die. It worked.

So stop it then. Say ‘we’ve decided we’re not doing gifts for adults anymore so please don’t feel you should get us anything either.’ If they’re push back just say that it’s what works for your family finances and consciousness of consumerism and you won’t be changing your mind.

You don’t have to bow to other people’s opinions.

Going against the grain here ...but it think it's lovely to exchange gifts. I love getting someone a gift they are going to like. We are a very small family , so can appreciate in large families it might be more difficult. But I love exchanging gifts , at Christmas. The only time anyone really gets gift, apart from a birthday. So ... sorry to say ... I adore gift giving!!!

this 🙂

We stopped doing buying for adults. I found it so pointless. It felt like spending money just for the sake of it. The worst of it was in return the extended family bought me generic bubble bath etc that I was allergic to. In the end we told them we were stopping buying for adults and never have since.
They can’t make you join in with the adult gift giving circus.

We tried that with the in laws and failed. We suggested just buying for the kids, but SIL had a right strop and said she didn’t think it was fair because she has no children, whereas we were having the joy of receiving presents via our children. Eh? Anyway, she kept buying for us until we relented and reciprocated. The rest of the family backed her up and kept buying for us too. They just weren’t as outraged as her and might have considered stopping if she hadn’t kicked up such a fuss. We stopped with my brother a few years ago, as we were both buying for each other’s children and I thought it was enough. He was not happy, but went along with it. Some of the shite he bought me over the years. It was really weird and niche as opposed to the usual endless toiletries, so at least he gave it some thought, but none of it was anything that suggested he has known me his whole life🤣

My whole family is together this Christmas for once and we are doing secret santa. One present for £40 job done.

Yes! We have moved to a secret Santa but everyone just asks what the other person wants and orders it. So pointless!

I knocked it on the head years ago. My family and friends go out for dinners after Christmas. I buy my DA some chocolates and flowers as well. I might buy my best friend something small she can use.

I buy small things for my DC and then money for them to do something with like a festival or a weekend break.

One of my friends from a very large family do secret Santa.

The years of stress of buying things I went through.