Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Well you can’t possibly continue to expose DS to this toxic piece of shit.

What are you going to do to protect him? You know you have to separate? Right?

Absolute dealbreaker. You come with a son. He likes it or lumps it, basically.
And why the hell did you have a child with such a shitforbrains

It was exactly suddenly though. It was when his biological son was born. As I’ve said I did speak to the midwife at the time and she said it was normal that my partners attitude might change now his son was here and it would be an adjustment for him. I assume he didn’t realise how he would feel differently towards my son once he had a biological child. Im
not a step parent so can’t comment on how it might feel to have a step son and a biological child but I have spoken to people who are step parents and have said it’s incredibly difficult and naturally there is a love for a biological child which cannot be matched with a step child

I think this is important to absorb. Please don't panic and get defensive about the pile on you are getting, or you'll get distracted from the actual advice you are being given. Listen to it.

Hmm, son or partner? Son or partner? I know which one I'D be kicking into touch!!! Get him told NOW, or this could all go horribly wrong. How many times do we have to read about the new bloke resenting the old blokes kid???

This. Your son should be your priority. Dump the man.

You are clearly preoccupied with justifying your dp's behaviour as biologically normal (!) and justifying your decision to stay with him even though he openly hates your precious little boy.

So, please, let your son live full time with his Dad.

This "man" is a horrible, selfish, spiteful pig. You chose to have a child with him, and now realise that the situation will never improve. He doesn't care about your son, your baby, or you......and you have prioritised that twat above your own children. Get rid, or you and your children will all have a miserable life.

Yep - shocking isn’t it?

Your poor, poor little son. 5 years old only - he’s young and vulnerable. I‘m sure he knows your partner hates him. No amount of your care could disguise that. Anyone who disrespects a child disrespects their parent - i.e. you. Do the right thing and leave this horrid man and protect your son or as other said your relationship with your son will suffer the death of a thousand cuts.

It is a case of that: unless you KNEW he was an abusive horrible man who treated small children like garbage then he WAS a stranger.

You need to call yourself aside. You have choices who you live with, your son doesn’t. Cop on to yourself.

As others have said, as soon as he started acting as if your first born was a nuisance in his life, you should have left him.

Every day that your son is in the presence of someone who resents them in their own home is damaging for him.

You have to put your son first above your partner.

FFS, that's even worse!!

So your son's dad was so crap you split with him before your son was even born??!!

And now you are with a nasty bully, again I say, your poor son. 😔

Being treated like this at 5 years old is exactly why adults are fucked up in later life. Your poor little boy lives with a man who doesn’t want him around. He’ll know this. You see this weekend as a wholesome family affair and yet this dickhead boyfriend of yours sees it as another man’s child encroaching on his family time.

Awful. I’d be gone. Woe fucking betide any man who spoke about my boy in this way.

I think you're holding on to your midwife's words and making excuses. Sure, it's a hard adjustment, for any parent. But I promise you she did not mean that this level of appalling, damaging behaviour is OK two years later!

Fucking hell. He must have a golden penis or a lot of money.
Whether it was normal for a few weeks or not doesn't change how it affects your son.

Your poor son. How can you be with this man when you don't even trust him to be alone with your child? If he was a doting "step father" before the baby arrived that does not negate his behaviour now. Speaking about your 5 year old son in such a nasty manner how can you stand to get near him?

Agree.

Have very very stern words with your partner to grow the fuck up. He is a 5 year old boy. He needs quality time with his mum. Non-negotiable. And he knew you had a son when you first met. A child is not an accessory you choose to have around when it suits you.

Point out that he does almost nothing with his stepson, but that if he made an effort to enjoy family time together, then the atmosphere would lighten, your son would grow to love him, you would love and respect him more and life would become a whole lot easier. Up to him. Or he can choose to sulk like a teen over the attention a five year old gets from his mum, one weekend in four.

If he truly can't shake up his views on this I'd suggest family therapy and if he is averse to this, it's one of the few times when I really would recommend considering LTB. Your child is powerless in this situation. He needs to know his mother prioritises his wellbeing. Your partner has agency. he can thrive without you. Whether he chooses to or not is up to him, but make clear it is a huge loss - missing out on his own son growing up, missing out on becoming the mature, strong, loving role model he could be, just because he doesn;t like sharing with a five year old.

Have you not seen in the news all the stories about young children being killed or seriously harmed by step parents? That behaviour doesn't come out of the blue, you are ignoring massive red flags here. If you don't leave this man you are a terrible mother.

Fucking "stepdad".
Now I had it.
Why are you taking this man's side???

@Happymum1782 I know you’re feeling vulnerable but unfortunately for me this would be a deal breaker. I could not stay one more minute with this man. Your little boy is 5 and needs YOU to advocate for him. Imagine he continues growing in a house where he’s not actually welcome. He will know and feel that. And not only it will shape his personality as these are his formative years once he’s older he will ask why didn’t my mum put me first. He’s your first priority. Your children. Not this man that got together with you when he knew you had a child and it’s now no longer convenient

If he has said this to your face can you imagine what he really thinks about your little boy??

Don’t leave them alone together…he sounds like a bully who resents this little boy.

Sorry to be blunt op but do you actually care about your son feeling happy and loved??

Well the people you’ve spoken to are fucking arseholes as well.

But all you’re doing is making excuses for this cunt so you can justify your facilitation of your sons childhood being ruined by an abuser.

Your poor son deserves a better mother who puts him first