Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

Ffs what an absolute cunt your husband is - I feel sorry for BOTH your children but your eldest son is probably the one I feel the most for… imagine having his protector, his mother - at an age where he is so vulnerable choose THIS man to be his stepfather? Appalling. Ffs - do the right thing and leave this piece of shit before it gets worse.

One thing that stands out OP is that you don't have a negative thing to say about your child. You don't say that he's highly strung or has any significant behaviour issues. This suggests that in your heart of hearts you know that it's very much your partner with the issue. Get him out of your life now before you start to question this and resent your own son, before your partner starts to persuade you that your innocent child is the problem and before your child starts to realise that he has to live with a man who despises him and starts to understandably act out and fulfil his own prophecy. This is your chance to make a difference. Please think about this.

Fuck him off. What a horrible man.

Your son is FIVE! He will be your son for the rest of your lives and this is the first weekend he's spending with you and your partner and his little brother, and this is his reaction? No. You cannot let this carry on.

edited to change sister to brother

What a revolting specimen of the male species. Your poor son having to live with that.

I think you are actually under reacting to how awful this situation is. You are definitely not being unreasonable to be upset with your partner. I don’t know what the right solution is though. Stay with your partner to the detriment of your first son. Leave your partner to the detriment of your second. But you cannot do nothing and I wish you the best in navigating this.

It's "normal" for a male lion to take over a pride and kill all the cubs, too.

You are just making excuses for him now. The midwife was also totally out of order as well to say that his behaviour towards your son is normal. Everyone who has posted on your thread is appalled by your partner's behaviour. He is actively and purposefully cruel to your son. It's not simply that he loves his own biological child more. He hates your 5 year old child and feels quite comfortable telling you this.

Exactly. This bloke isn’t even a step-parent. He’s just her current boyfriend. No need for a messy divorce, you’ve got the ideal excuse to just get up and go OP.

Why the fuck are you with this asshole? He's disgusting. How can you hear someone say those things about your son!? Poor child.

It makes no difference that he didn’t verbalise these feelings before the baby was born, he’s expressing them in crystal clear terms now. He doesn’t want your son there. Base everything on that statement. He is a risk to your son emotionally, and that should be a deal breaker for you. Today.

Well, exactly.

If op thinks it's "normal" for all stepdads to be like this then she shouldn't HAVE a partner.

You sound like a good mum OP.

Is there scope for your son to spend more time at his dad’s? A night or two in the week?

I would tell partner the only way he can avoid your son is to split. And he needs to pretend to be happy he is here, if you hear any more resentment about your son you will have to end things.

Loving your biological child more than a stepchild is quite normal I think. Being really aggressively horrible about your stepson isn't.

The period where he was a doting stepdad...is that when your son was spending all day in childcare and then every weekend with his Dad? Was he a doting stepfather for an hour or so here or there? In a period of time when the relationship was new and he was trying to impress you....

It unusual for someone to completely change their personality, unless you think he has a brain tumour or a brain condition of some kind.

She has a shared toddler with the current man.

It’s not just the fact that he has his own child that made him show his true colours. Abuse often ramps up when woman has child and is now trapped. Classic playbook stuff.

My heart is breaking for this poor little boy - I hope you find the strength to put him first

Have you read the OP. The OP is with a heartless cunt who doesn't like her son

Unfortunately you will never be a family. DP is forever going to think your DS’s behaviour is unacceptable because he is older than his biological child. As parents we always think the things you hear about older children won’t happen or be accepted/tolerated when your own get to that age but guess what, most of the time our kids do and act the same way as others before them. I think errors were made in never having your DS at the weekend -I appreciate his Dad lived too far to see him during the week but from an integrated family perspective having your DS spend every weekend with his DF has really not helped your unit of 4 to bond as a family. I don’t really know what you can do now except issue an ultimatum- things are going to get so much worse in the coming years if DP doesn’t get fully onboard to being a step parent to DS. Your relationship with DS will suffer, DS’s relationship with sibling will suffer etc etc your relationship with other DC could also suffer. It’s a major car crash in the making. Most of all your DS is going to suffer.

It’s pretty clear she’s making excuse after excuse to justify staying with him and allowing her Ron to grow up in abusive home.

This cunt must have a 14 inch solid gold dick that ejaculates champagne for her to prioritise him over an innocent 5 year old

Exactly this. The time for excuses is over. Act NOW for your son. Let him see that you're on his side, that he is worth it. Put him first. Let him see you putting him first, above this disgusting, abusive prick.

What about your poor son tells a teacher at school that his stepdad hates him? What if your P with his inability to 'regulate,' hits him?

The horror stories that we read in the press do NOT just come out of thin air. These red flags are the very ones that you CANNOT afford to ignore.

If I knew someone who was knowingly putting their young child in a vulnerable situation like this, where a steparent in their own home was abusive and could harm them, I would report it to Social Services myself.

Remind him how brilliant he was with his stepson before his own child was born Point out to him that although he might never feel the bond he feels with his own son, that doesn't mean he can't re-establish the great bond he had with his step son, alongside the love he has for his own child. Reassure him that he is capable of this. That he is man enough. Big enough. Sometimes men need to be told they can behave well. It helps them do so. Weird but true.

If he truly was a good stepfather before this, then family therapy could be really helpful.

A friend of mine grew up with a step dad who she absolutely adores. She thinks he is the best man in the world. He met her mum after her husband ran off, leaving her with two young children. This man just stepped up and raised them as his own and they had two more children. His love for his step children has been repaid a million times. Her face lights up when she talks about him. Your partner could have this. Tell him this.

There is a difference in adjusting to a change in relationship or having a baby and what could be considered to be emotionally abusive behaviour.
Your boy is 5. He has lived with this for 2 years. He needs you to be his advocate and protector. Please put yourself in your 5yo shoes. He isn’t thinking well the midwife said it was normal. He is wondering why a grown up hates him, is mean and why his mum isn’t doing anything about it

So you're excusing his behavior towards your don? Ffs....get a grip.

"I have spoken to people who are step parents and have said it’s incredibly difficult and naturally there is a love for a biological child which cannot be matched with a step child"

Which may well be the case BUT that is absolutely no excuse for your partner to be so vile to your eldest, and YOU allowing it, without challenge.

Are you frightened of him @Happymum1782?

A good mum??? Are you reading the same thread as everyone else?