Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

I stated he never does anything with him NOW. Since we had our shared child. He used to do a lot with him. Not necessarily on his own but we certainly did a lot as a family and he was involved in his day to day care which he is not anymore

According to your own words you used to do these things as a family and you no longer do. You say you still do family Christmas and birthdays but your DP described Christmas tree shopping with your son as “ruining family time”

Cool. You’re gonna keep twisting things and backtracking.

I give up, you are either severely coerced or you don’t care about your son’s wellbeing.
Either way your poor little boy, I hope someone else in his life steps in and helps him.

The way he treats your son IS abuse, can you really not see that?
You seem to be under the impression that an adult has to be violent with fists to be abusive, it doesn't, abuse can be subtle and it flys under the radar most of the time, just like what your partner is doing, it may not be physical but the damage to your son will be life long..

Very late in the thread you said this op .
Something is definitely off a out you and this whole situation.
Believe me you have bigger fish to fry to than the people on this thread .

Correct I never said abuse had to be violence. The Oxford definition of abuse is “habitual” violence OR cruelty. The word habitual means usual or often. I would not class twice in 2 years to be “habitual” but we can agree to disagree there. I do agree my partners comments and general behaviour is wrong. No one on this thread but me knows what the day to day or habitual life is like for our family. I have repeatedly said I have a plan. I have never once said my plan involved staying with my partner or that I agree with his behaviour

I’m going to be honest with you, your posts really concern me.

You have zero awareness about how any of this is affecting your son.

Your partner may only have made 2 comments in the space of 2 years, but what he said is exactly what he is thinking in his head all of time.

I am concerned about your partner’s emotional abuse towards your son.

I am massively concerned for your son and his wellbeing.

If I knew you in real life, I wouldn’t hesitate to report you to social services.

There was a reason you were referred for intervention in the first place.

This thread is coming to an end and I just feel incredibly helpless.

Because I just don’t feel my plans are anyone else’s business. And it’s not relevant in any way to what I asked. My plans are also to do with other issues which I have not raised or asked advice on and which I do not want go into

Multiple people on this thread have said as step parents they have thought what my partner said or similar but they would never say it. What exactly would you report me for? You can’t have read any of my comments if you think I have “zero” awareness of how it affects my son. I have repeated over and over how wrong it is. I only posted in the first place because of how wrong I felt it was. How dare you tell me I have zero awareness. We were not referred for anything you utter moron. We voluntarily attended a course which by the sounds of it you could do with some kind of course to learn how to be a decent human being

You're feelings front and center again I see.
Not about you is it .
You don't seem to know what you want or what your saying ,,one minute you've had parent classes and Therapy and ha e issues with partner the next minute he's only said 2 comments in 2 years and isn't at all abusive .
Genuinely confused and through ot all you see more pissed off about a few straight talking posters who haven't sugar coated shit .

Sons horrible things have been said, yes, and they’re not helpful. But I haven’t said anything horrible and yet you’re telling me to ‘educate myself’.

Peole do t always begin with low self esteem, abusive people often actively target confident people because they enjoy tearing them down. You said your DP was a decent guy all the time you’ve known him and only changed after the birth of your shared child.

You can spend your time arguing the toss about little things, or you can take steps to improve your life. You’ve had loads of helpful advice on this thread. Good luck to you.

Before I go though I want to remind you of another little boy.
Arthur Labinjo Huges.
Murdered by his piece of shit step parent.
That little boy at the end of his life was captured on video for hopefully the rest of the world to learn from… Never again and all that.
Hobbling around his front room, stick thin and severely injured. He was complaining about that though, his final words caught on video were… Nobody loves me. Heartbreaking.
I pray it doesn’t escalate with your boy to anything physical but no five year old should ever wonder why a caregiver has stopped loving or liking them, he is a literal baby and you are his mummy!

Me, me, me, me, me.

What about your son?

I’m concerned about your son.

Every single other poster on this thread is concerned about your son.

Are you concerned about your son?

Please read what I’ve actually said. The reasons we attended the course and therapy. I am not ashamed of having done that. There is another child involved in this and I wanted to take steps to try improve things before breaking up that child’s family as well. I love both of my kids. I have said his behaviours have been abusive at times. Do I consider him to be a vile child abuser? No sorry I just don’t. Do I think he’s a bad partner and not a great dad, absolutely yes. I already know I’ve made mistakes and those mistakes have harmed my kids. Hence wanting to try through appropriate avenues to get professional help. It hasn’t worked but I cannot regret having tried. If my son was in imminent danger I would not have done any of that I would left as a first course of action. I don’t owe it to anyone to detail every step and timeline of my grand escape but I have never at any time in any of my comments said I was planning on doing nothing about the situation we are in

If you cared about my son why would you be here making unpleasant comments to his mother who is clearly in a less than ideal situation (yes all my own doing, I’m well aware what I’ve done and the countless mistakes I’ve made). If you’d read my comments you’d see that I didn’t just sit around for 2 years. I have 2 children. One of whom is my partners son. I chose to attempt to salvage the relationship by getting counselling and voluntarily attending a course at the children’s centre. There has been no risk to my son’s wellbeing so I had time to do those things as a last ditch attempt before ending the relationship. I clearly know my partners behaviour is wrong or I wouldn’t be here. My behaviour has also been wrong no point in hiding that. I chose to get into this relationship. I did what I thought was right at the time in getting professional help. It hasn’t worked. I already have my plans for what to do now.

You have numerous ppl on here who have shown concern for your son and validated your feelings and all you have done is disagree ,play the victim and be rude and argumentative
I'd of said thank you for the validation I'm making plans to keep my children and myself safe .
That would of been end of thread .
Instead you have continued to give confusing and often contradictory information and play the victim .
I'm starting to question if this is a genuine post cos it's hard to believe anyone could be this obtruse .
If it's genuine I hope you manage to make plans to get yourself and children away from this man asap for all your sakes .

You can’t read. That’s ok. You poor soul. I hope you also get the help you need

Thought you said you were like roommates and he's hardly about separate bedrooms etc ??
Which is it op ?
Ships in the night or the Brady bunch ?

No, I think that poster is incredibly capable of reading.

As I agree with every word they’ve said.

You’re not putting yourself in a great light here. You have no one to blame but yourself. You come across as one truly nasty and spiteful individual.

I also hope that you manage to get yourself and your children out of the situation and your 5 year old is never subjected to this treatment again.

This whole thread from op has more holes than a sieve .

Banging your head against a brick wall, I fear. This is all a complete waste of time.
OP can gaily reel off the repellent list of her husband’s domestic shortcomings, yet she hotly refuses to hear any well-intentioned advice to her or criticism of him on that matter, denying that same list and getting super-defensive, even snotty.
I’d bet nothing changes at all, as it’s all too much disruption for her and she’ll still be with this blot, having engraved more damage on her boy, in 12 months’ time.

(Blaming her marriage choices on the kind of people she has interacted with on the internet took the biscuit. All along, it’s been clear that she typically
has her eye to the wrong end of the spyglass.)

So if you were already planning to leave regardless of the partners comments whats the point of the thread then 🤷

Oh op I've red this very well , too well I think for you 😂

She wants to hear that's it's normal step parent behaviour,,,even though she's planning to leave her abusive /not abusive roommate /partner who's never about but spends numerous family holidays and occasions together ,,,if I've read that right that is 🙄

This thread makes me sad in itself but also because it reminds me of a family friend whose daughter took her own young adult life.
Growing up, her stepdad treated her differently to his own biological kids. So for example she would be the only one to get told off for taking fruit from the fruit bowl without first asking; constant nagging by him and no intervention from her mum. Her relationship with her mum became fractured and when she did leave home she was not welcome to visit.
When she died her stepdad did not attend her funeral but, worse, neither did her mum who said the reason was because she feared that family and friends might have been hostile towards her.
Yes, there is another child to consider and your own life too but please do not overlook the serious damage to your son that can result from your partner’s resentment of him which will manifest in subtle and not so subtle ways. At some point your son will start to wonder why you’re allowing it to happen.