Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

“The Oxford dictionary defines” is the calling card of someone who doesn’t understand what the thing is.

Child abuse takes MANY forms, not just violence. It does not have to be habitual to be abuse. Hitting your child once is abuse. Neglecting them on one occasion is abusive. Bullying your child once is still abuse. Time to educate yourself mama.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/types-of-abuse/

You continue to backtrack and backpedal. Now you say that your partner has only made two cruel comments. But in the OP, you wrote, "This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby."

"He would make comments" = more than once, repeatedly. You didn't say, "Once he made a comment."

Later in the thread you have said your partner is barely with your son and only occasionally snaps at him. But in the OP you say, "He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child." Clearly something that happens "a lot" is not just an occasional loss of self-control by your partner.

I know you've said you're planning to leave and I definitely think that is the right thing to do. But please don't downplay the damage that being in the same house with this man is doing to your child.

Refusing to engage with or share time with your son IS habitual.

You lot are pretty much just hounding the OP now.

Stop.

That's heartbreaking, poor girl

So…have you said that to him? And what’s his response?

I don’t think a mother who is denying and excusing abusive behaviour towards her innocent 5yo child deserves any sympathy.

The OP has been equally rude and argumentative towards posters who are trying to get through to her and explain why her partners behaviour is abuse.

Fair game I say.

You said it was like being a single parent because he has zero to do with him then now say he does?!

Ok, it is very hard to hear. You day you want to me a good mum, then please, at least do some rsearch rather than simply accept what mumsnet says.

This is from the NSPCC - What Is Emotional Abuse & Things You Should Know | NSPCC

"Emotional abuse is any type of abuse that involves the continual emotional mistreatment of a child. It's sometimes called psychological abuse. Emotional abuse can involve deliberately trying to scare, humiliate, isolate or ignore a child.
Emotional abuse is often a part of other kinds of abuse, which means it can be difficult to spot the signs or tell the difference, though it can also happen on its own."

Isolation and ignoring. It says it there. It ALSO says it is often the hardest to spot.

But, you have spotted it, so now you really must do something about it.

I DO think your partner is not neglecting your child at the moment. This is largely because of your intervention. You have done a great job of ensuring he is not left alone with your partner. But that must be hard work.

I pray for you my dear.

Your partners behaviour will only get worse as your son gets older, if he's like this with a 5 year old can you imagine how he'll be when he's 12?

You are an amazing Mum, doing the best you can for both your DC. I personally would not how to cope with all the unfounded remarks and accusations made against you on this thread.

Hopefully you will be able to make a better home for your DC without ex partners interfering with your decisions. I know you will continue to consider your DCs wellbeing above all else in future. Wishing you a more settled and happy life in the future.

But why would you post at all if you’re leaving anyway?

Why would it matter whether we agreed his behaviour was unreasonable if you have started getting your ducks in a row?

You wouldn’t come online asking for opinions about the reasonableness of your partners behaviour and the impact it’s having on your family if you had always been planning to leave, you’d just crack on and line those ducks up even faster…!

Op I think you're missing the point - any parent can get overwhelmed and lose their patience and raise their voice. That makes perfect sense. What matters then is the apology and reconnection and acknowledgement that that wasn't okay and thinking about what you as the adult needs to do differently to prevent it from happening again.

The issue here, from what you've said, it seems like the repair doesn't happen with your partner and your son because he spends so little time with them and you've said yourself he's stepped back and changed his attitude to him. So not only is your child noticing the step back (even if he is currently attributing it to work), but then he's getting snapped at as well. And at the same time as that, he's watching his younger brother getting a very different experience of his step father. All of those things combined is why people are saying its emotional abuse. Often emotional abuse is really hard to pinpoint because it tends to be little things that on their own aren't a big deal, but as a wider picture- they build up and can do damage. It's emotionally abusive in the context of your husbands overall behaviour - its very different than you - a parent your child has a really secure attachment to, raising their voice the odd time.

People are pointing out that this can affect children's confidence, anxiety levels etc long term because it's true. Your child may not be affected in this way right now because of how hard you're working to parent around your husband, but that will get more difficult the older your child gets which is why people are raising that particular concern- they're worried for you both what it will look like further down the road. Your husband is really breeding sibling rivalry between your children and that's also emotionally abusive.

Gosh OP I think you’re getting a bit of a rough ride here. People, like me, probably feel really sad for your lovely little boy. But I actually feel really sad for you as well. I think you know your DP is not a good man. You know what to do. Sooner the better really. So you can give both your lovely boys all the kindness and attention they deserve. You don’t need this nasty man. He brings nothing to your life.

You’ve contradicted yourself so many times - and yes, I can read fine.
You know yourself you are complicit in the abuse of your son by allowing your partner to treat him this way.
Calling posters horrible people, bullies, morons and accusing them of being unable to read, doesn’t change that you are not putting your son first. No one had bullied you.
The only bully, is the one you are allowing to abuse your son. And you’re letting it happen.

I chose to attempt to salvage the relationship by getting counselling and voluntarily attending a course at the children’s centre.

I don’t understand why you’re so desperate to be with this man.
It obviously doesn’t work.

You’ve only been together a couple of years.
No amount of counselling is going to change him.

Having 2 kids with 2 different men and not being with either of them is not a failure (if this is what you’re worried about).

Staying in an unhealthy relationship because you don’t want to be on your own is a failure.

You say you’re basically a single mother during the week anyway, so being one won’t be a huge shock for you.

Your son will know this man does not like him and does not want him there. Your partner doesn't need to say a thing to him directly, he'll know.

But you don’t need to abandon your child. You need to ditch your partner.

The part you seemed to have missed is that your partner is telling you he doesn’t want your son in your lives. He’s telling you that you there is a choice - it’s him or your son.

you can’t have both

1000% this! ⬆️ Vile twat. No way would I let my partner treat my child like this.

I don’t honestly know why people on here are still trying to help you. If you are as snarky at home as you are on here then god help that poor 5 year old

I don't think op has been rude at all. I think she sounds very sensible. You don't snap your fingers and get a knew home tomorrow, not does she need too.

It doesn't take 2 years either in fairnesss

I'm sure she decided more recently than that.

About 30 pages into the thread it appears