Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

But surely you can’t bring yourself to lay in bed next to, cook the dinner of, clean the house of, do the laundry of such a horrible man? What are you going to do about the utter contempt that he is showing your son? I mean, how can you look at him or want a relationship with such a horrid person. Your son is 5, a baby and he is being brought up around a callous and emotionally inept man. That can’t be allowed to continue, surely?

You do realise this makes what he has said so much worse, don't you? If having your son for the weekend meant additional work for your partner, it would still be an awful thing to say but it could just be moaning that it would mean his weekend isn't as relaxing as he likes. But to reject your son in this open and obvious way, when it doesn't affect your partner at all, just shows how hostile he is to your son. It's truly horrible.

And of course your little boy feels this hostility, even if he's never heard the actual words. Imagine living in that environment as a 5-year-old. I know you love him dearly and he has his dad, grandparents, etc. who love him as well. But the presence of his stepdad will surely affect him negatively, due to everything you've mentioned (the change in attitude to your son, the harsh comments, the rejection, etc.).

I’m a bit as a loss as to what to say OP.

Would you rather people stopped posting now do you think as I’m unsure what you’re getting out of the thread?

I understand it’s hard not to be defensive when your parenting choices are being called into question but hopefully this many people who aren’t invested personally (unlike your partners family who obviously are biased) almost all saying how shocking and upsetting this is to read will help you realise that you aren’t over reacting.

In fact your partner, who is abusing you and using the dynamic with your son to punish you (you said yourself he’s doing it to hurt you) has you so confused and worn down that you’re actually under reacting.

I hope for your boys sake that when you say you’re planning to leave you don’t mean he still have months and months of this to come.

Best of luck to you and your lovely little boy.

People might as well stop commenting - op has no intention of leaving or putting her son first. Don’t waste your time.

You need to take some responsibility and stop playing victim here.

You have been constantly minimising and excusing the awful attitude of your partner.

YOU are the parent to your son. YOU have the choice to ensure you either get him away from your partner, or you stay with your partner and allow your son to continue living with a vile man who openly resents him.

The choice is yours.

I have not minimised anything but won’t sit while blatant lies are being said. I have not once said my partner is a good person. But equally do not believe my son is a miserable bullied abused child. I know him. You do not. I see him day in day out. You have never once seen him. Why should I just accept that strangers on the internet say my son is bullied and abused and a shell of a child when he is not?

🤣

Then what the hell do you want from this thread OP?

I’ve already said I have what I needed. All I wanted was to know if my upset was unreasonable. Everyone has said it is not. I don’t need or want anything further. My original question has been answered

So business as usual in your house then? Great...

Can you quote where I’ve said that please? Please show which of my posts says that. What an utterly moronic comment

Only you have the power to change your and your sons' situation. That you're trying to shift responsibility onto bullies from school or strangers on Mumsnet is bonkers. It's your partner who is abusive and obviously responsible for his own despicable actions, but you're the only one who can make real change in your life. No one forced you into starting this relationship and no one can force you to end it. That's a decision you have to take yourself.

Unbox yourself from the corner you're in. The bottom line is if you want your son to remain a happy boy you have to separate from your partner. He will become more resentful of your son's presence in your home as he grows up. The ball's in your court.

Please show where I’ve said I won’t make a change? I have multiple times said I have plans to leave which I won’t be sharing with people on the internet. Where please god does it say I am not going to change the situation?

Please show me where exactly I’ve said my son will be growing up around my current partner? Can you read?

You do realise your partner wants your son out of the picture full time don't you ?
It should concern you how he intends to make this happen .
Also anyone who truly loved you or had any respect for you would not even think to hurt you with the behaviour and comments he's showing ,,he's pushing boundaries to see how far he can go .

Not moronic, just truthful

The fact that you even asked if this was unreasonable instead of a motherly instinct screaming at you that you needed to kick him out immediately tells me what mother you are.
your child is 5, had two father figures already in his life with one leaving and the other wanting him out. Poor bad choices on your part. Why haven’t you left the instant you saw this in him. Terrible of you. Poor child. But of course you will put your man first.

Good luck love.

Absolutely agree with you but there is zero need for some of the horrendous stuff being said on this thread. Those people are bullies and I absolutely will call them out for it. These people are parents. Shaming my parenting while they bully strangers on Mumsnet. I have said I have my own plan which I have zero interest in sharing with vile people on this thread. But you’re totally wrong that bullying does not result in people ending up with abusive partners. People who have low self esteem are naturally attracted to abusive partners. There is extensive research on that. Please educate yourself

Where did I say you wouldn't make a change? What I said is that it's up to you to decide one way or another and that trying to blame bullies at school for your situation not helpful. Better to blame your partner - he's the one being abusive.

No. As someone who was also once in an abusive relationship I would not say that the responses on here are bullying. They hurt because they probably touch a sore spot in you, which you know to be the truth. You have been in denial for a little while and breaking out of denial is painful because it means you have to take responsibility for not having seen the truth before (not necessarily through your own fault. Your man was great to you at first, but now he is showing his true colours). Don't blame us on here for what has happened to you. It's painful but you have to accept it. As I said I doubt you are to blame and there are other factors, but it is best at this point to face reality no matter how harsh or painful it seems.

One leaving? Who left? I left. There was infidelity and horrendous lies told by my ex. You have no idea the circumstances. I left when I was 6 months pregnant and it was the best decision I could have made at that time. If I’d posted at the time about some of my ex’s behaviour I would have been piled on in the same way saying what an evil person I am for getting pregnant by such a man. Hilarious you’re now saying he apparently left me 🤣 you don’t know me or anything about me. You’re just one spiteful person on the internet. I feel deeply sorry for your children. What kind of mother must you be if you spend you time being evil to strangers online

You're the one on the internet asking strangers to comment 🤷.

Please show me where I asked for opinions on whether I should leave my partner or not