Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

I do want to say you’re doing incredibly well for such an emotional thread.

Many people would have left the thread by now and so it is obvious you love your son and want to do what’s best for him.

Hence why I am trying to establish if it’s as bad as i think it is.

It is worse than what you think it is.

It is not normal to have couples counselling after only a couple years together.
It is not standard to go to parenting classes, especially when you already have a child.
Its not standard for your child to have therapy sessions.
It is definitely not normal for someone to voice their feelings about the child that lives in the home like that.

Posters are asking you how you’re going to leave because you’ve said you have health problems and that it’s not easy to do - so how can we help?

You must be struggling to leave because you would have done it by now and so instead of us questioning your parent etc it would better if you say you can’t leave for X reason and we can come up with solutions to help.

No I do agree my partners behaviour towards me is abusive. All I have said is that right now my child is not abused. That is a fact right now. And yes maybe because I shield him a lot. But I still know that my son is not abused or neglected. I have said already there are other issues between me and my partner. I am not denying that this will have an effect on the kids long term. But many people have been painting a picture of my son being an anxious mentally unwell abused child who is terrified to come home. That is not the case at all. He is a happy child at the moment. I don’t want that to change so i understand the situation cannot continue this way. That is the whole point of my posting. If I believed this was all fine and no issue I wouldn’t have posted at all. I would let my partner say such things and tell my son’s dad I can’t have him on a weekend. That is not what has happened or will happen

There are no reasons why I can’t leave. There are reasons I cannot leave immediately. It’s simply about timing. We are mostly living as room mates now anyway but as others have pointed out I also wouldn’t be happy if a roommate said that stuff about my child. I was simply asking if I am in the wrong to get very upset over his comments. Not whether I should or should not leave him.

Also I disagree about the parenting classes. There are many people who could do with parenting classes but don’t because they don’t want to be seen as a bad parent. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a better parent. I believe all parents should want to be better. None of us are perfect parents and you don’t get a manual when you have a baby. There should not be any shame in seeking help to improve your parenting.

It is worse than a single parent home though. A single parent home every person in the home is still loving. You have described your impatient and snapping DP at worst and completely neglectful and rejecting DP at best. Your DS is stepping into a home where he can feel he isn’t wanted and his presence causes friction. That’s very different to if he only received the love and support he is getting from you. There is a huge negative here that you can’t ignore will have an impact.

Which is why therapy with an abuser is not recommended.

I didn’t say my partner rejects my son. Or completely neglected him? How can he neglect him when he’s barely home. It’s exactly like a single parent home, I make sure the kids needs are met. They are not neglected by anyone.

OP, look at what you’re saying. You’re saying that despite being married to a man who lives with you and is the father of your younger child, and who has been in a step-parental role to your five year old for most of his life, you are ‘exactly like a single parent home’. This man isn’t meeting anyone’s needs, doesn’t parent his own child and is actively resentful to your son, and look at the lengths you’re going to defend him.

How on earth did they get your address 🤔

You are not in the wrong to be upset over his comments.

You are doing the right thing by questioning it and by planning on leaving.

You are right about the parenting courses.
They are there to help and more parents should take them up and not feel shame.

I just think it’s another indicator of your relationship.
You already have one child and you’ve not said there were any issues in his upbringing and so you more than likely know what you’re doing but it is because of your DP that you did the parenting course.

You had to do couple counselling because of him and him not agreeing with your parenting - most couples don’t need to do this.

There are so many red flags already and these are only things we know about.

You are absolutely doing the right thing and not one person will say you are BU to be upset by his comments.

You do not need to tell anyone how you’re planning to leave and although you’d had a lot of stick on this thread, we are here to help and support you.

You say it’s a timing thing - is there any advice we can give that will help with this?
Remember lots of women on here have been in similar situations and may be able to help.

Seconded. The child must not be made responsible for assessing the status quo as it affects him; that’s entirely for OP to keep on top of. To be proactive in his interest rather than absolutely reactive at her best, but certainly passive.

She has brought an inadequate man into her son’s life, and is satisfied that the lad can bear the prevailing froideur because he hasn’t yet fallen apart.
Alarm bells and red alert lights must be doing their best, but she is complacent about her exertions in his interest, and it seems nothing is going to shift her into a more active frame of mind.
Anything can be endured but having to deal with the inconvenience and disruption of a decisive split from DH.

I find it interesting that you have no hesitation saying that your partner is abusive to you but reject out of hand the idea that he is abusive to your son. But the reality is, based on your own words, he is abusive to both of you. I'm sure that is difficult to accept. However, your child can be a happy little boy and also a victim of abuse. He may be incapable of articulating how he feels, because he's only 5 and his stepdad has been treating him this way for so long (almost half his life, if it started when he was 3). It is his normal. That doesn't mean it is normal or acceptable. Far from it. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging to a child's sense of self and security, his ability to form healthy attachments, his confidence and belief in himself.

I think it's great that you have sought out help in the form of counselling and parenting classes. But I wonder exactly how engaged your partner was. Did he genuinely try to change his behaviour? Or did he see it as some sort of box-ticking exercise? In addition, I've known people who claimed that a counsellor/therapist completely supported and validated their POV, whereas in reality they were choosing to hear part of the therapist's words but ignoring anything that challenged their perspective.

You must be getting something out of this thread, as you keep returning to it. I really hope you read some of the posts here with an open mind, especially those written by people who have been in similar situations to your son.

18 years ago people on here were a lot more open about who they were outside of MN.

Ok well with all of that in mind, maybe it would be helpful to clarify what it is you need from this thread- how can we best support you here? I think the response has been pretty universal in that yanbu to be annoyed and concerned by his behaviour and the things he said so what else do you need from us to strengthen your position?

So then why the issue about the weekend if it’s exactly like a single parent family?

If you read my posts you’d know the weekend is a very recent thing. Because my ex lived far away he had my son on weekends until now. He moved here very recently so it has only just become an option for me to have my son on a weekend. During the week currently I pretty much parent alone. On a weekend my partner helps with our shared child while my son has always been with his dad. It’s an issue now because I want to have my son here on a weekend now it’s a viable option and my partner sees this as creating more work for him

Nothing further required thanks. This thread has cemented in my mind that the vast majority of people are cruel and enjoy saying vile hurtful things to someone who is clearly struggling. This is why people like me end up in abusive relationships. Because of nasty individuals who bullied at school and then continue to bully others on the internet.

I know all that. I’m referring to your comment that you are like a single parent due to your partner being absent much of the time. If that’s true why does your son now being there at the weekend matter to him?

I have gone to lengths to defend the truth. Not my partner. People can say what they want about him. But if people are making stuff up about the mental state of my son when they know precisely zero about him then I absolutely will defend what is true. He is not a sad, anxious bullied child as everyone here is saying. He is completely happy and well. He has all the love he should have. I have engaged and would be happy to engage now with professional services to ensure my kids are happy. I am totally happy for social services to come and see my kids and how they live. I have absolutely nothing to hide. I would welcome anyone talking to my son to check he is happy and well. I actively support him to be honest about his feelings. I am clear with my kids that we don’t have secrets and they can tell their teacher, their dad or me absolutely anything. My son is open with me about stuff that upsets him at school and I am confident he would come to me if my partner had ever upset him.

Op I haven't read the hundreds of replies and I'm not saying you need to leave your husband, but the behaviour you describe of him isn't kind, isn't loving and isn't welcoming. And this is all toward an innocent 5 year old child.

Of course he disagrees. Of course his family back him. They're close to the situation and protecting eachother. I like other posters simple feel sorry for your 5 year old, who won't be oblivious and especially not as time goes on.

This idea if a man being nice enough to "take on" another woman's child is messed up, if you fall in love with a woman who is already a mother then that's part and parcel. He doesn't deserve a medal for it. He may argue biology makes him love his own flesh and blood more in his biological child - fine. But that doesn't mean he needs to downgrade his behaviour to his step child. Or resent his presence. That's his child's siblings for goodness sake.

Yes exactly! This is exactly why I am frustrated. There is zero reason. I do everything for my son. It won’t be any more work for my partner as he does zero for my son and would do zero on a weekend if he were here. You have hit the nail on the head. It makes zero difference to him. He’s saying it to be a dick. That’s it. To hurt me. For no other reason.

Your partner has upset him OP. You said you sense that he feels the shift in your very first post. Of course going from best friend to little attachment and a ‘vibe’ is going to be upsetting.

“My son used to call him his best friend and he was very attached to him. They are of course much less close now and I sense my son has picked up on the vibe from his step dad although my partner does not say any of this stuff in front of the kids, it is only ever said when we are alone.”

I don’t disagree my son has picked up on it but I don’t sense he is upset and certainly not devastated by it. He has a lot of love elsewhere. l believe he sees that my partners job changed and he is not home a lot now. I believe my son thinks this is the reason for the change rather than feeling like my Partner doesn’t like him. And I also don’t believe my partner hates my son. There is no hatred. It is more that he is selfish and lazy and doesn’t want a child infringing on what he sees as his relaxing time. Maybe he thinks that when there’s 2 kids here he will have to do more for his own child because I will be occupied with my son and therefore naturally able to do less for our shared child. Whereas when my son is not here I do the vast majority of care for our shared child

So these are the issues.
Your partner is behaving like a dick to hurt you.
He is doing that via your child, to make you feel awful.
So nasty.
So abusive.
He's a bully.
Please reach out for support.
You both deserve so much better.

Stop giving away your power - you are the mother of two children living in a less than happy household, you are managing to take care of them despite the complex circumstances you’ve described, you’re an intelligent and capable person. You didn’t end up in an abusive relationship because of ‘bullies on the internet’ you ended up there because you fell in love with a man who turned out to be shit. You’re not the first and won’t be the last. But don’t wallow in it, stand up for yourself and the two little ones who rely on you.