Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

If you have what you need, why are you still here fighting with strangers? Are you enjoying these exchanges? You can just stop, you know?

You keep saying how cruel everyone is being, but seem oddly addicted to the conflict.

I am genuinely gobsmacked at some of the posts on here. Sounds like you have a lot going on OP and that things are generally not good so you are making plans to leave. It amazes me how many automatic responses to virtually any issue raised on MN is “just leave him”. Life just doesn’t work like that and is rarely that black and white. Sounds like you are mindful of what your son is experiencing and you know it can’t go on but you are doing your best. Really wish you lots of luck.

What denial? Have you read my comments. I have said there are multiple reasons why I have for some time been planning to leave him. I am not going to give every minute detail of my plan to strangers. What denial am I in???

So can you “I hate” what a hypocrite

Thank you. You are one of the few kind and sensible people on this thread. Thank you so much. Your comment means more than you know

These are YOUR words. Please read them back:

He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there

They are of course much less close now and I sense my son has picked up on the vibe from his step dad

he now does very very little with my son and certainly doesn’t do anything with him on his own.

as soon as the baby was born and my partners attitude changed

he doesn’t like sitting and watching screens which my partner finds inconvenient.

When I say snap I mean he might raise his voice if my son lashes out for example - YOUR SON IS 5! THIS IS ABUSE!

he never ever raises his voice with our shared child so he treats them unequally - again. Unequal treatment is ABUSIVE!

THESE ARE YOUR WORDS! I am appalled. Are you not ashamed? This is fucking awful. I feel
so sorry for your little 5 year old he deserves so much better.

When it comes to the welfare of a five-year-old people are right to say leave. Op disclosed that she was planning to leave very late in the thread. Before that she was fiercely defending her partner. Many of us were alarmed. And quite rightly so. Op's outrage is secondary to the welfare of her son.

Raised voice is abuse now. I have literally heard it all now. What a saint you must be that you’ve never ever raised your voice at your kids. I have. I regret it but I’m a human. I have never spoken to another parent who has never raised their voice at a child when they are misbehaving. Your kids are very very lucky to have such a perfect parent

I have not once defended him on this thread. I will however defend the fact that my son is not an unhappy miserable anxious abused child when I know for a fact he is not. I have not once said what my partner has said is right or good so please do not spout lies about me

She doesn't say YOU raised your voice. She said that your partner did - because you told us that. In the context of what you've said about him resenting your child, that raised voice takes on another meaning.

Yes. Raised voice to a 5 year old is abuse. It’s damaging to a 5 year old. Really damaging.

I’m astounded you don’t recognise this. Astounded.

Is raising your voice abuse now? My god my parents must have been real abusers. I got shouted at daily. Like day in day out. And pretty much 90% of parents I see at softplay and the park must be vile abusers then. I see parents raising their voices daily. But people on this thread never ever raise their voice. I’ve been told I’m too permissive and gentle with my kids and even I have on occasion raised my voice at them. So now I’m also a child abuser as well as my partner?

That was my second comment on this hot mess of a thread. And this will be my last.

Enjoy rowing with strangers on the internet. I hope it continues to bring you great joy and fulfilment. ‘Happymum’ 🤣

'His parents said he should leave me!'
Correct response would habe been that's a good idea till we manage to sort this whole mess out ,,thank you for suggesting it .

Now you are going into denial again: we are all saying that your PARTNER raising his voice to your son is of concern because of the resentment he has expressed towards the little one. Please don't misconstrue my words. I know what you're trying to do and I'm not having it.

OP my first reply was asking was it a fake post. Just to say, having read some more of your responses it sounds like you're in a really tough situation & I wish I typed it a little kinder. 💐

Raising sons isn't easy at the best of times without navigating blended families, birth trauma, and disappointing men. I'm sorry people in real life are making you doubt your gut instincts. I'm sorry the internet piled on when you were vulnerable.

I hope that you can continue to make an exit plan, even if you don't have to use it. I think LTB is easy to type, and harder to do. In reality you have to weigh up finances, resources, housing, custody. It's obviously not ideal for your sons to be treated differently, but it sounds like you're trying to work with your partner and to mitigate that. I do think it will either get better or become much more obvious, so making a plan either way is a good idea. ❤️

Maybe ask for the thread to be deleted if you've gotten what you want from it.

I’m totally shocked by this because I have even seen teachers at school raising their voices at kids. So pretty much all kids must be damaged then. I consider myself to be really sensitive about shouting and stuff but even I have very occasionally raised my voice at my kids. I’m honestly astounded that is considered to be abuse. I know it’s not fantastic parenting but people are human and we all reach our limits on occasion. I had no idea that was now considered child abuse. My childhood was daily shouting and my parents would not in any way consider themselves to be child abusers

Please read the other commenter who has said explicitly that raising your voice EVER at a child IS ABUSE

Likewise “I hate”
which I can see it does

I would say that most of the posts on this thread are reasonable, though people are understandably concerned about your child. It simply is not the case that everyone is bullying you. A lot of us are trying to engage with you, to point out why your partner's treatment of your son is so damaging. Again, I find it interesting that you accept he is abusive to you but not to your child. Why is that?

No one here is perfect and no one claimed to be. But you are compounding the issue if you respond defensively and minimise the situation (not just on MN but more importantly IRL). As I wrote before, you must be getting something out of this thread since you continue to participate. It just seems a shame that you have discounted many insightful posts in favour of lashing out at perceived attacks.

There will be a MASSIVE difference between:

• A teacher raising their voice to settle a bunch of excited/loud children in the classroom
• A vile step dad raising his voice and “snapping” (your words) to a 5 year old child he openly resents.

So please just stop with this “I’m totally shocked” narrative. No ones falling for it

GO AND DO BETTER FOR YOUR INNOCENT CHILD!!!!

Should be more worried about dealing with the child bully in your own house love .

I truly and honestly never considered raised voices to be child abuse. I fully plan to look into it and contact some services tomorrow. And I’m very confused why it’s ok for a teacher to raise their voice but not a stressed tired parent. I have said I never thought it was good parenting. But I truly didn’t believe that was child abuse. I honestly thought all parents do it now and then. I agree raising voices at one child and not another is wrong. But I never ever considered that occasional raised voices at a child would cause them lifelong harm. Me and my partner surely cannot be the only people who have ever raised my voice at my kids? And hand on heart I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve done it but I’m totally gob smacked that people would consider me a child abuser for that

But he only shouts at your kid. Not his own.

Absolutely agree with you but there is zero need for some of the horrendous stuff being said on this thread. Those people are bullies and I absolutely will call them out for it.

Sorry, but the only bully here is your partner, even if it is for only half an hour as you say...