Partner doesn’t want my son here on a weekend

[Happymum1782]

I have a son (5y) from a previous marriage and now a 2yo with my current partner. Due to his dad living far away we always had my son during the week and then his dad had him every weekend but recently his dad moved close by and I wanted to have my son one weekend per month so we could have family time and both kids could spend time with their sibling. We have very little time during the week as we work full time and both kids in school / childcare 9-5 every day so I have missed out on quality time with my older son while he was with his dad every weekend. I spoke with my partner about it and he agreed so I arranged it with my ex. Well this weekend is our turn to have my son and I brought it up with my partner to say we could go as a family to choose a Christmas tree. He was really unpleasant in response, rolled his eyes and said “great” in a sarcastic tone then went on to say “guess that’s my weekend ruined then. We will have no time together. I will have to spend all weekend entertaining your son”. To be clear he does very little with my son. I do all of his day to day care and playing with both kids on an evening as my partner is tired from
work. I’m really upset by his comments and he says I’m overreacting.

This is not the first time he’s been resentful towards my son, when we had our baby he would make comments saying he was dreading my son coming home from nursery because he didn’t want him there and he took away his time from being with his baby. He also struggles to regulate and snaps a lot at my son but not at our shared child. AIBU to get so upset over this?

I never said shout. I said raised voice. I absolutely would not have shouting in the house. I grew up with shouting that’s a hard no for me. But yes totally agree the unequal treatment is wrong. I’m very very shocked that occasionally raising your voice at a child is considered child abuse. I have friends in social work and health visiting and I have even seen them very occasionally raise their voices at their kids.

Of course he knows! Kids are smart!
And you said he’s a sweet polite boy - my guess? Yup, because he needs to be to be liked and he knows it.
I’d also say that the “adjustment period” after having your 2nd child is well & truly over & no good parent / step parent “others” a child they were otherwise close to like that. It’s disgusting and infantile & utterly damaging behaviour.

You seem to have plenty of criticism towards your ex’ parenting (the one who had him every weekend and “drove for hours”…) but less to say about the stepdad who doesn’t like your son.
Poor kid!

And just because SS sees worse, it doesn’t mean that your son’s situation does not warrant lots of concern.

op, this post is so sad. Because you insist on lumping yourself in with your partner. No-one says that YOU are abusive, we think your partner is. This is what I mean about being in denial. You can't see it right now and everything we all say seems like an attack on you, when the truth is that we are on your side and trying to give you some tough love to help you break through your denial. Your confusion is a good sign. I would sit with it for a while. Get off the thread and try to relax. Do you have any friends that you trust who you can confide in?

Calling ppl who have shown concern for your 5 year old vile 🤷 seems to me your very centered on you and your feelings ,,,something definitely isn't sitting right about this thread .
Not once have you said thank you for all your concerns I certainly don't plan on staying with this person.
You just keep repeating crap about how fine your son is and how it's you that's been hurt and vile bullies on the internet who are telling your not being unreasonable for viritolic reasons .
I personally think you came on here hoping ppl would validate your partner's behaviour and your tolerance of it .

Please read all my comments then come back. I have multiple times said I have already been planning. If you are too lazy to read it then don’t comment at all

I don't know what you want people to say OP I really don't.
If you start a thread saying your partner doesn't like your 5 year old boy and gets treated with disdain by him, then of course it will anger people, what did you expect people to say?

But his raised voice is occasional and certainly not what I ever considered to be abusive because I myself have raised my voice like that at the kids on occasion. My issue with it was that he does it to one child not the other. I never for one moment considered it to be abuse. I never considered myself to be an abuser for raising my voice very occasionally. I have literally seen other parents doing it. People who I would consider to be good parents. People who I look up and would think of as a good role model for parenting. I just assumed all parents make mistakes. Now I am thinking of the times I raised my voice and that I caused damage to the kids as well as my partner and my sons dad who is also prone to losing his temper.

Oh my goodness. Shout, raised voice whatever. Hes only doing it to your kid and never to his own. Your boy will notice that. I feel so sorry for him.

I hope you got something from this thread even if just knowing your partner is a dickhead. I hope also that things work out for you and your kids.

I assumed some people would be on my side and say yes it’s awful and your right to be upset and some people might say being a step parent is difficult and it’s not uncommon to struggle with it. The latter is the general opinion I have had in real life. I thought I might get a wider range of opinions here and therefore at least some people who would see my view on how upsetting it is

There's struggling being a step parent which is common, and then there's being a cunt to a 5 year old, big difference

I think every single poster has agreed with you that your partners behaviour is awful and it is upsetting for you to witness. No one on here has said your partners behaviour is acceptable.

Becoming a stepparent is a HUGE life altering decision, and yes, it is difficult and can be a struggle.

Whats not ok, and why so many people are horrified and angry - is the abusive behaviour your partner is implicating on your 5 year old. That is why people are angry. HE IS ABUSIVE. He is resentful. He is going to severely damage your little boy if you don’t get him out of his life.

I’m sorry if I’ve come across as aggressive or argumentative in my previous comments. I am just so horrified that you didn’t recognise your partners treatment of your child as abusive.

Op, you wouldn't have posted if you thought this was acceptable.
You, your husband and your two children should feel like a family of four when you're together. Your husband feels like your child is an added extra which is sad and your child will pick up on it. Up to you what you do about that but in the example you gave I would have responded, he's not just my son, he's little Jimmy's big brother and part of our family life too.
Going forwards you have to try and ensure that your child doesn't feel less than compared to his sibling and if you can see that dynamic playing out I'd leave.

LTB. Now.

It’s because the literal definition of abusive is: engaging in or characterized by habitual violence and cruelty. I agree my partner has been selfish and lazy with the kids, and he absolutely has made occasional cruel comments. But he is not “habitually” violent or cruel to my son. This is 2 occasions in 2 years he has complained about my son. As I’ve stated we have had family holidays and every Christmas together in which he has obviously never complained about my son being there. If it was habitual and daily he was doing this then of course I agree that’s abuse. As it’s occasionally then I think he is a selfish arsehole and for a multitude of reasons including his attitude towards my son on those 2 occasions, I have already been planning a separation. But the fact people are trying to ram the abuse thing down my throat has shocked me because I have engaged with professional services over the last two years and not once did anyone say that what he is doing is child abuse. I’ve even openly admitted to the children centre staff both me and my partner have occasionally raised our voices at the kids and at no point did they tell me I had abused them. As I said we have clearly been badly failed by children’s services

Jesus this thread is infuriating! You know full well that the when you get advice on whether shouting at children is abusive the answer is going to be no.
That’s not what’s happening here though is it!
The issue is that he is already noticing that a man who pretended to like him so he could screw his mother is backing off.
He’ll also notice that this mans family are the same.
That he is treated differently than his brother.
These differences are already being noticed by your son.
It’s the going to bed and wondering why his step dad rolls his eyes when he tells a story, or tells him off when he lets more slide with his brother or the wondering if his mum knows and if she does why isn’t she making it stop, it’s the feeling of making a child feel different, unloved and unwanted that makes it abuse and you know it.

Violence is not the only way to abuse someone. Neglect is also abuse and from everything you’ve described he is absolutely a neglectful father to both his biological child and his DSS. You have also described him as being abusive towards yourself and the general situation in your relationship as being something you are aware is far from okay. However, you still seem hellbent on defending him as an absolutely fine person to be in your son’s life. It’s concerning on all fronts.

I have not once said he’s a fine person. Have you read anything I’ve said at all??

Emotional abuse is also a very serious and “official” kind of child abuse which is not in any way defined by violence. Countless people have tried to explain how your DP’s attitude is tantamount to emotional abuse but you again won’t accept any of it because he isn’t “seriously violent.”

Well, he also refuses to be in the same room as the child from your own account.

Failing to protect your child from emotional abuse is also in itself a failure and abuse in and of itself. You have been warned quite sternly across this entire thread that if you fail to protect your child from someone with clear unbridled disdain for him - a 5 year old child, let’s remember - then it is you yourself who is also committing abuse.

This reads like a post on the Gransnet estrangement board, where the poster is adamant that they have no idea why their child has cut off contact with them.

They are always the victim, and anyone who challenges their version of events is nasty, cruel, a bully, vile etc.

There is never any self awareness. No apparent ability to take any responsibility.

Everyone else is to blame.

Denial. Denial. Denial.

You can’t honestly think people are saying your son is being abused and you need to protect him as a cruel joke. Do you actually believe that?

The situation your son is in has upset a great many people on this thread. I actually cried about it yesterday. Me. A complete stranger on the internet.

Yet you appear to have ZERO empathy for your son or the situation he is in. You have a complete inability (or unwillingnes) to see any of this from his perspective.

It’s not right. It’s concerning. People are concerned for your 5 year old child.

I’ve read every single backtrack and snide aggravated comment you’ve made but not seen one single tiny bit of that same fire in defence of your innocent child. Shocking.

You obviously cannot read so I feel sorry for you in that respect. But if my partner refuses to be in the same room as my son then how did we go on multiple family holidays together? How do we spend Christmases and birthdays together. I never once said he’s refusing to be in the same room as him it’s hilarious the stretch you’ve made there to make it fit your own narrative

There is nothing “hilarious” about any of this.

Abuse can take many forms. Not just physical violence.

Abuse can be verbal, psychological and coercive.

I sound awful saying this but perhaps you need to take some more parenting classes, as you have an incredibly black and white way of thinking and viewing this situation.

Just because your partner isn’t violent or physical, doesn’t mean his is not an abuser.

I agree, you have been incredibly failed by children’s services.

No I think people are over reacting to a situation they know very little about. I do wish you could all see what happens in our house on a daily basis. It’s very ordinary. No abuse. No neglect. Two very wrong comments in two years and I’ve already said many many many times I have been planning on leaving for a while for multiple reasons but largely of course for the sake of my children. Yet people are still here raging at how I’m doing nothing to protect my son from this violent awful abuser. Including yourself. Please point to where exactly I said I was not going to do anything about it?? I’m so confused as to where you’re getting this information from