My husband being ill makes me want a divorce

[Yoyomelon]

Me and my DH are married 10 years and have 2 young kids. 3 weeks ago my daughter got ill with flu and we all ended up catching it. It was a horrible illness aches/pains high temp for a week and a lingering cough and stuffiness that I still have 3 weeks later. My husband caught it a week after us (mainly because i was taking care of the sick children during the night while he chose to just not get up and help), when I had it I just kept doing everything I needed to do because there was no other option I can't just not take care of my kids because I'm unwell, but since he got ill he has basically taken to the bed the last 2 weeks. We both work full time I took one day off sick as I had a fever and kids were off sick from school so didnt have childcare, but apart from that I continued to work. He has been off sick for over a week now but is doing nothing (this is the same every time he is ill), he is not communicating with me not interacting with the kids, not helping with any of the house stuff. Refuses to see a doctor. He doesn't have a high temp just a lingering cough and stuffed sinus (which I know is horrible) but I keep having this fantasy of being divorced where I can just be alone in the house with the kids and even though il still havebto do everything myself at least I won't have to look at him moping and being a negative energy in the house.
Im sure I sound like a heartless bitch.
Things are not great in our marriage anyway even when he is well. But I think this is just sending me over the edge.

I am sorry, but married over 35 and it’s the norm in my house, DH and 2 adult sons when they are ill, they go to bed and stay there, I on the other hand get up, feed and water them, look after dog, still take dog for walks with shaking legs, feeling light headed. Although once males are better, they do all thank me for looking after them. You do know that man flu is way worse than anything women get, I always know when they start to feel better, as funny enough, they can manage to get up, go downstairs to watch football, eat crappy food, that’s when I go to bed myself.

I feel so angry on you behalf! Have you talked to him about how unfair it is? Although I don't really know what he could say to make it better! But I would make it clear that it will never happen again.

Hope you feel better soon. I think many women think this is the norm - it's not!
When I'm sick DH fully takes over - asks me to stay in bed as long I need, he moves into spare room to try and avoid getting sick himself and brings food and drinks and leaves them at the door to our room, does everything with the kids. His opinion is the more I rest the quicker I will feel better and less chance if me giving to rest of house. And same if he or the kids get sick - try an quarantine as much as possible and we are pretty sucessful at not sharing bugs around our house. We are probably extra cautious as both immunosuppressive.

I don't blame you about the divorce fantasy! How supportive is he in general taking illness out of the equation?

ExDH would take turns getting up with poorly children in the night, look after me if I was ill, and let me look after him if he was ill. It's not a "well, you know what men are like!" situation.

I think you need to have a serious chat when he is better. Arguably the problem is not him resting when he is sick, the issue is you not being able to rest when sick. Everyone should be allowed reasonable time to recover. Next time you are ill you need to declare yourself unwell and go to bed and he needs to take time off to do childcare. If he refuses, call a very expensive emergency nanny service to cover those days and I can guarantee he won't let that happen twice.

...in sickness and in health

Is over 2 weeks in bed reasonable for a non life threatening illness though?

Like it just was not that way in my house growing up, yes you got a couple of days to recover but then you got up had a shower and tried to rally. I could even understand a week with this illbess because its horrible but its been over 2 weeks and no sign of him getting out of bed. Genuinely even when my dad was dying he had more get up and go than my husband has with the sniffles.

Is he wearing the Dressing Gown of Doom??
They like to dress for the part and sniff/cough performatively.

Like you OP, I remember so well struggling through illnesses when my children were tiny because I had no option to do otherwise.

that's on you.

In our house the sick person is taken care of. And when it was sick DCs we shared care.

OP - please tell me you weren't going into an office and making other people sick?

Martyrs are fucking annoying. YANBU OP, but for the love of God don't be a martyr about it.

No I work from home.

I don't mean to be a martyr I'm just stating the differences of when he is sick versus me with the same illness.
Prob comes off a bit like I'm trying to be a martyr though

Is he getting up for food / drinks or are you providing them? If so just stop doing anything for him meals included and stick to it. If he asks why, tell him hes taking the Pxxx

I had the same issue ( and other issues). They just seem able to drop any responsibilities the minute they sneeze.

My DH is soon to be my ex DH, but this was one of many issues but far from
the most serious issue, but indicative of a wider problem is taking responsibility for the house and children. Ie they think they are just ‘helping out’ rather than being jointly responsible.

sorry, i was harsh. I hope you're feeling better yourself.

Just do the minimum possible, and muddle through. When he gets up? You need to be very clear with him about what he must do, ill or not.

And you really do have to cut back on what you do when you are ill.

Why did you keep doing everything you usually do when you were ill? You say there was no other option but there was-your DH steps up while you recover?

Whoever’s ill in our house does have however long they need in bed while the other steps up. We’ve been lucky not to be ill at the same time but we both take time to rest and recover properly when unwell

@LennonjinglesI’m sorry you’ve tolerated this so long. When do you think you’ll crack?

I'm dropping dinners up to him or sometimes he will get up. To be fair he's not eating much. All of our appetites are still a bit off. But yesterday for example after kids came home from school I had some work calls so I asked him to get up to watch the kids in the living room until was finished at 5 but at 4 he came up to the office and announced he was going back to bed so I had to try juggle the kids and work calls then go food shopping with kids in toe, cook dinner, I'd asked him to help kids with their homework but he hadn't so I had to do that while dinner was cooking. It was like 6pm at this stage and heard nothing from him. He text at 6.30 asking for me to bring him up Sausages and eggs (I'd already told him I had made fajitas and didnt have time to make something else) I dropped up a chicken wrap and chips upstairs and he ate most of it and stayed in bed until this morning when he got up and had some fruit and yogurt then went back to bed. It's been 2 weeks of this. When will it end ;-(

Not at all OP.
I totally appreciate your frustration and I hope you are able to have an open conversation with him

Was he this fucking useless before you had children with him?

How do so many women end up with piece of shit men as co-parents? At least you’re contemplating leaving, which is a start.

No, you are not a martyr, he's pathetic.

I am Old (very) and I have probably had a day in bed 3 times in the last 20 years. One was an adverse reaction to a jab, one was food poisoning, one was flu. One day for each. My DH is the same, we just soldier on.

I honestly would say "FFS get out of bed, you only have flu, one day in there would've been enough, you are taking the piss, and to let you know, the food and drinks delivery stops NOW"

I have no idea why you are pandering to him.

You are enabling it. He’s able to get up and get his own food. If he won’t watch the kids downstairs, take them up to his room and leave them there.

When he is well, does he pull his weight?

More fool you for putting up with this for 35 years and raising your sons to be the same!

I cannot abide the whole "man flu" narrative.

Yes when he was sick he was always a nightmare so that's on me.
He's mostly hands on with the kids and does a fair share of housework when he is well.
But we don't have a good marriage anymore very little intimacy, no real connection or fun together just kind of like housemates. I've tried raising the issue but he refuses to talk about it and doesn't want to do counselling

He’s a lazy arse who’s appointed you as the default parent (his parent too by the sounds of it). Not sure what the rest of your relationship is like but if it’s not great then maybe contemplate losing this loser.