My husband being ill makes me want a divorce

[Yoyomelon]

Me and my DH are married 10 years and have 2 young kids. 3 weeks ago my daughter got ill with flu and we all ended up catching it. It was a horrible illness aches/pains high temp for a week and a lingering cough and stuffiness that I still have 3 weeks later. My husband caught it a week after us (mainly because i was taking care of the sick children during the night while he chose to just not get up and help), when I had it I just kept doing everything I needed to do because there was no other option I can't just not take care of my kids because I'm unwell, but since he got ill he has basically taken to the bed the last 2 weeks. We both work full time I took one day off sick as I had a fever and kids were off sick from school so didnt have childcare, but apart from that I continued to work. He has been off sick for over a week now but is doing nothing (this is the same every time he is ill), he is not communicating with me not interacting with the kids, not helping with any of the house stuff. Refuses to see a doctor. He doesn't have a high temp just a lingering cough and stuffed sinus (which I know is horrible) but I keep having this fantasy of being divorced where I can just be alone in the house with the kids and even though il still havebto do everything myself at least I won't have to look at him moping and being a negative energy in the house.
Im sure I sound like a heartless bitch.
Things are not great in our marriage anyway even when he is well. But I think this is just sending me over the edge.

My H does the same and I feel the same way as you. It's a constant source of stress and resentment in our home as he gets sick at least every 2 months and takes to his bed for a week or ten days.

I've no advice for you so just commenting in solidarity. When I can afford to I'll leave.

I cannot abide the whole "man flu" narrative.

Nor me. My DH moans and whinges when he's not 100% but if he were to go to bed for two weeks, we would be having serious words!
I just ignore his whinging.
Don't get me wrong, when he is really ill I look after him so well. It's happened before when he ended up in hospital and I could not have done more. But I won't put up with pathetic man behaviour.

OP.. are his work OK with this 2 weeks off so far?

Let’s face it……some men are so mardy when they’re ill……man flu springs to mind!

Because as mothers we are used to just get on with things. The children and their wellbeing is our priority whereas for many men they think of themselves as no1. My DH moans that I always have so much attention for the children but none for him. I told him that the children are my number one because he's already number one in his own book.

I do think you are being a bit of a martyr.

You can’t have been that poorly if you only needed 1 day off and was able to do all of your normal things.

I was ill and as a single parent there were some things that I had to do but most of it got dropped.

He is obviously being dramatic too though.
A couple of days or a bit more is fine but 2 weeks is way too long.
I think at that point it’s more psychological.

I am someone who pushes myself even if I am poorly and so I am definitely more in your camp and this would really annoy me.

Tell him, today, that either he sorts himself out or he goes to the doctor.

And stop dropping off food upstairs for him, for Christ's sake.

Me too, it drives me mad. Why are we still excusing this bullshit? He doesn’t get to be more unwell or helpless than his wife because he has a penis.

I do think though that people have different tolerance levels and ability to crack on.

I’m a ‘take to my bed’ person when I’m properly poorly. I know it does me no good to carry on and struggle through it so I don’t.
My husband is very caring and supportive when I’m ill and will take control of stuff.

He likes to keep going and it bugs me because he’s ill for longer and he’s quite annoying when he’s ill. I’d like him to rot in bed a bit more!

He’s completely taking the piss, but you’re going along with it as if what he’s doing is normal.

if he’s well enough to want food, he’s well enough to come downstairs and eat whatever you’ve cooked. He’s treating you like Deliveroo and you’re behaving like Deliveroo instead of telling him he needs to get fucked, because he’s taking the piss and you’re starting to hate him.

Why are you sending food up?

but at 4 he came up to the office and announced he was going back to bed so I had to try juggle the kids and work calls then go food shopping with kids in toe,

well, at that point i'd have sent the DCs into his bedroom with him and carried on working with a closed and locked door.

And i would have left them with him to do the shopping too.

(but then, i don't have a DH who behaves like this so who knows, really?)

as for food: nope. He gets what you have made, and he comes down to get it or he goes hungry.

If my DH spent two weeks in bed, I would think he was seriously ill ! And I would be ringing 111
Wouldn't happen in this house. With him or me.

OP... tell him to go for a long walk, the sun is shining, fresh air will be good, and when he comes back, get dressed and shape up.

Someone else happy to reinforce and enable this. Do you have children? I hope they don’t have the same messages that they take forward into their adult life and relationships.

It shouldn't be the norm though. We shouldn't just shrug at this - it's wrong and basically reveals through it's extremity the other inequalities and exploitations in your and the OP's (and many/most women's) relationships.

ie it's fundamentally the woman's job to do all the shitwork, and anything the man does is 'helping' and out of the goodness of his own heart.

How am I enforcing or enabling by simply having an opinion?

What would he say if you asked him why he thought it was fair that when the kids are ill you get up in the night with them and he doesn't. Does he really think it's fair that when you're both ill and struggling, but there are still kids that need at least a minimum of looking after (eg homework can wait but they still need food and to get to school) that he gets to opt out but you don't, so you end up doing both your shares. Why does he get time to fully rest and recover but you don't.

Having read your update that you've told him you're not happy, but he won't talk about it or do counselling...what's his long term solution then? Is he happy? Does he honestly expect you to stay in an unhappy marriage forever or does he think you should split$

And this is absolutely not the norm in my house.

That's what I think. Like 2 weeks in bed is excessive even for a flu I think like some coughs can linger on for months so I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I think he wants to be fully 100% before coming back to the land of the living but you don't get that luxury with young kids.

I still remember my second husband sitting in the lounge wearing a woolly hat on with the central heating on really high. He had a 'flu.

He thinks things will miraculously improve somehow. He doesn't want to split just thinks we are in a hard season and need to white knuckle it through

tbh, OP, given your other posts, it is ducks in row time.

Check if you would be ok on your own, and then tell him: he shapes up or one of you ships out. It is good that he is usually hands on, etc, because you can do 50/50 with the DCs.

I get it, coughs last for ages (I have asthma so it can be a month or more) but you put on a mask or something and get back to it.

Let him recover from the flu, and any post viral tiredness. That takes rest, rehydration, nutrition.

Incidentally he was right not to see a doctor - just being able to travel with flu would be unlikely, plus he would be infecting all those in the waiting room (including vulnerable people) and the practice staff too, so reducing that service.

Then sit him down for a calm, controlled conversation about equality, equity, respect, mutual care. Ready for next time.

Then go to Boots together and set up a practical medicine cabinet, ready for next time. This is NOT YOUR JOB. It's for both of you to agree and do together.

Next time they are sick, let them get on with it. With the level of care they gave you.

Maybe it's you feeding and watering them that's the problem

Exactly what I thought . Spreading it round to everyone she comes into contact with at work .

2 weeks is ridiculous. I only got 2 days in bed when i had sepsis.

But if we are both sick at the same time then what? While him not stepping up when I'm sick is annoying it's not the biggest issue its more him believing that he is justified to just stay in bed for weeks when sick and not engage in family life or responsibilities until he feels100%. In my book that's not realistic.