My husband being ill makes me want a divorce

[Yoyomelon]

Me and my DH are married 10 years and have 2 young kids. 3 weeks ago my daughter got ill with flu and we all ended up catching it. It was a horrible illness aches/pains high temp for a week and a lingering cough and stuffiness that I still have 3 weeks later. My husband caught it a week after us (mainly because i was taking care of the sick children during the night while he chose to just not get up and help), when I had it I just kept doing everything I needed to do because there was no other option I can't just not take care of my kids because I'm unwell, but since he got ill he has basically taken to the bed the last 2 weeks. We both work full time I took one day off sick as I had a fever and kids were off sick from school so didnt have childcare, but apart from that I continued to work. He has been off sick for over a week now but is doing nothing (this is the same every time he is ill), he is not communicating with me not interacting with the kids, not helping with any of the house stuff. Refuses to see a doctor. He doesn't have a high temp just a lingering cough and stuffed sinus (which I know is horrible) but I keep having this fantasy of being divorced where I can just be alone in the house with the kids and even though il still havebto do everything myself at least I won't have to look at him moping and being a negative energy in the house.
Im sure I sound like a heartless bitch.
Things are not great in our marriage anyway even when he is well. But I think this is just sending me over the edge.

People can react differently to the same virus. Depends on their health issues. A virus here means dh works from home. I go to hospital for four days. Never knew why for years. Then turned out i had a genetic illness. But all our married life i was more ill than him, just didn't know why.

Why don't you lose your shit and say "I TOLD you that I need you to watch the kids until I'm finished with work for the day?"

Why don't you just NOT take food up to him?

I couldn't be with someone as useless and self-indulgent and unmanly as he is.

From the sound of it he was ill for the first week but fancied another week off just to laze about and do nothing because he didn't want to go back.

My DH is immunosuppressed, a sickness bug puts him in hospital for a week. I know that if he doesn't move out of bed for two days I need to be ringing his hospital team on his behalf to be admitted. He would never just lie around in bed for days deliberately for me to pick up the slack.

Reply to him ‘how fucking dare you, you have been so supported and enabled!! I have done everything while sick without you stepping up, then I have done absolutely everything for two weeks while you were sick all I am asking for is some of the support you receive from me That Is All! And no you had better not get sick again because I am not fucking doing everything for you next time after you’ve fucked off and left me to stagger around after the kids while sick, unbelievable you think this marriage can be saved while you take the utter piss and have the nerve to be mad at me about it.

find your rage and don’t back down from his make her shut up anger.

i told mine we were divorcing if he wasn’t someone who looked after me while I was sick.

He’s absolutely pathetic. What does he actually bring to your life?

You’d be less stressed, less tired - and expend less energy on anger - if you kicked him out.

opinions aren’t random and free floating - they come from individuals but they influence and are influenced by the rest of society.

they are the means by which the status quo is retained or overthrown.

Flu' jab every October? I've been taking it for 13 years and got flu once in that time - caught in NHS hospital waiting room!

I'm a little torn, on one half I fully think you're entirely reasonable to be annoyed with this and it would drive me up the walls as well. Equally, I do think you're martyring yourself a bit and also enabling his conscious incompetence.

If you went to bed he would have to buck up, feed the kids etc. I know he won't do it to your standard, but I think this is a long term battle worth fighting. Just because he does it badly doesn't create a free pass for him to just not do it.

I think you need to sit down with him and I'd highlight the difference in what happens every time you're both unwell and highlight the pattern you're seeing. And I'd ask him what he thinks he can do to support you as his team mate more. And then the next time you bring it right back to that conversation and point out what he's said he should do. Hold him accountable. Stop running after him. He'll get the message.

More fool you.

I'm not believing Lennon jingles tbh.

That clearly isn't the case here, is it? Not if he is feeling well enough to demand food made to his specifications. He's a cheeky chancer.

Sadly, I do. There are some very silly women who enable this type of man, and often raise them as well. I blame them as much as I blame the men themselves. They are the mothers in law from hell who blame their daughters in law for the fact that their sons are selfish losers.

Next thing that'll happen is he'll get a DVT from vegetating in bed for so long...

Probably not helpful but it is one of the greatest pleasures of separation to see my ex moaning about the cold he “just can’t shake”, weeks after me and my kids have been in and out of it in a matter of days.

I think you are lucky OP to have your mum help mind your kids 3 days a week on top of childcare and you and DH splitting the chores. One day you may have had to step in. That is more help than a lot of people.

Also why not do a takeaway when really unwell - get your DH to order it and no need to take kids to the shops and then cook at home. Seems like a huge amount of unnecessary chores.

Flu vac is really ideal to get I feel bad for those that don’t they really suffer much more it seems.

I hope the talk goes well OP.

He needs to adjust his attitude. No special meal requests and he takes as much of the load as he feels able to do.

I would also change what you do. If he is ill, he gets soup. If he requests anything else then tell him oh good you are feeling better, do you want to sort bedtime tonight or clean up the kitchen.

When you are ill, do the things you need to make life as easy as you can. That includes expecting more from him. Start with "remember when you had 2 weeks in bed - I feel incredibly ill right now so I will be having the next 2 days in bed while you manage everything and then will update you on if I am able to contribute after that." Don't keep doing everything. he needs to step up.

More fool you. You sound as though you really enjoy you role as being a Martyr.

Often used by women as way of control in keeping men on a level of helpless babies. They know this and will use you to the hilt.

Ugh!! Just too much tbh

It sounds like it's the marriage that's not going well but you're focusing on the illness. People can react differently to viruses. What can be quite mild for one person can be terrible for another so he may be feeling very ill and unable to do much. Or perhaps he's looking for sympathy and that's not the kind of husband you want?

Same here. Once he starts to take the piss (I know when he is milking it and he does try) I lose my shit and let him know that his pathetic act doesn't cut it. I don't put up with this shit.

Some people die of flu so 2 weeks in bed may not be 'excessive' at all.

I bet they don’t die asking for a meal of ‘sausages and eggs’ to be brought to them.

True. I hadn't seen that update when I commented! When I had flu, I couldn't even think about food, not even soup.

This was an issue I raised about women generally on another thread (the one about removal of the Two Child Benefit Cap).

I said that women should make better choices about who they chose to have children with and got absolutely flamed for it.

Creating and looking after another human being is the most important decision anyone will ever make and yet there are some people who don't seem to give it much thought.

Clicked YABU by mistake!
YANBU!! My ex was and is like this. Had zero sympathy for anyone else and always had illnesses much worse when he caught them. If I was ever ill, would suddenly develop it too - even now we don’t live together.