I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

What area of law interests you?

Criminal. I could never practice it, but the study and debate of it is fascinating to me. Sadly it doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a lot more intelligent than I am

I don't think that's a good attitude for them to have. They do owe you, because they should have found the money before. I don't want to be nasty, but I cannot fathom a parent refusing a child dental care even if it isn't 'essential'. People on here sometimes say the bar for men is in hell, but I sometimes think the bar for parents is as well.

You need to love yourself first! Please PLEASE go and see a therapist, you are actually doing really well (job, hobbies, interests) so go get some kind counselling and work on your self esteem before thinking about romance 🙏🏻

You sound physically quite like me, OP. I’ve got fine hair, a big nose, a snaggle tooth and I’m a size 16. Without make up, I have eyes like a mole. On bad days that’s all I see. And my double chin. I have a lot of bad days

On good days, I see that I have lovely full lips that people pay for filler to achieve. My boobs are relatively “up”. I have an hour glass figure that looks good in dresses. Long legs. I don’t look like the contemporary definition of beautiful- I’ve been told a number of times over the years that Ive got a look of having stepped out of the 1920s- , but with my hair and make up done, I am I think sometimes quite striking.

I definitely look better thinner, but life is what it is. I’m too busy right now to diet. All things in their season.

You need to look at yourself kindly, like you would a friend.

I would love you to do the exercise I’ve just done above. Look at yourself on a good day, and list what is lovely about you- then really focus on that. Every day, remind yourself of what you have- and do not, I repeat do NOT, define yourself by the contemporary beauty standard. It isn’t real. And it isn’t, objectively, always very beautiful in the classical sense.

A lot of dentists do finance options, make a 4 year plan to have your teeth done for your 30th birthday.
Try saving 50%.
Another thing, which might feel weird to begin with, but wearing a wig or hair piece will really help your confidence, it might take colleagues a week or two to get used to it, but why not.

Hardly nothing Op.
You’ve clearly got some brains to have got 2 x 2:1s.
Can you focus on what else you’ve got, ie there must be lots of other skills, traits, strengths you’ve got, that are positive and valuable, to be celebrated.

I am so sorry you are feeling so low.

For now, I would park the online dating as it can make the most confident, beautiful people feel like shit.

Concentrate on making yourself happy. I agree with everyone else on your terribly low self esteem. Get the braces, find hobbies that make you happy; get counselling. I go to a gym with many beautiful gym bunnies - they are the nicest people - you have been very unlucky if people are laughing at you.

The vast majority of people are average looking. But the people that attract people towards them (not just the opposite sex) are the people that are positive, kind and confident. I am still working on the confidence myself as I am naturally awkward. But I find that in groups, trying to click with one person helps me.

In terms of what you have to offer (one person mentioned work abroad), kindness, willingness to learn and help are all that are needed. You do not need some amazing skills to volunteer for example.

Make yourself happy first ( and helping other people can make you feel good.) After, that when you are in a better place, you are in a better position to meet someone. And a hobby group, volunteering etc is always a better way to click with and meet someone:)

Lots of ugly people in relationships out there. You just need to get out there more, start a new hobby that gets you involved with people like parkrun or something.

don’t be so down on yourself. I am objectively pretty ugly too and have a husband and kids… it’s all about spending time with other people and letting that bond slowly develop with people.

Can I go to the therapy for this? It feels like a bit of a piss take

What @TiredofLDN just said 🫶🏻🫶🏻

You are being so very hard on yourself. If a friend came to you and told you this was how she was feeling how would you talk to her? We are our own harshest critics and we need to learn to talk kindly to ourselves.
Look I am fat and have pcos so am positively bald in places I have had psoriasis all my life so have had periods of horrendous skin . I am infertile and menopausal. But I am here doing the best I can with what I have . I'm twice your age and spent far too long apologising for all my flaws when I was younger. Please don't do that any more.

OP go and check out Invisalign tomorrow! Get busy. You’re great. Sorry you had a tough time at university but congratulations on coming through with great results. Believe in yourself!

You sound depressed.

I also have very fine hair that won't take a style so I have it down, layer it and wash and go. I don't even blow dry it. The secret is finding a great hairdresser who will help you work out a great style.

I would see a therapist about low self esteem. Also you are so young. Focus on enjoying yourself, developing a skill like singing, baking (you say you're great) and join groups that welcome your contribution.

Learn to love yourself and the rest will follow.

Hi OP, first of all you’ve done amazing to lose weight. I think you sound interesting and like you’d be good company. I’m not saying you are ugly at all however my two cents..

I have always felt ugly. I have pale skin, dark circles and I’ve a huge nose. I have had all sorts of comments in my life about it. I hate photos, I don’t like seeing what I look like I just feel awful.

What I did when I was younger was to find things to do to distract myself from looks. What do you enjoy?
What are you passionate about?

I always loved music and sitcoms so I made myself very knowledgable about both, listened to classic albums.
I’d be the person to go to for those topics in a quiz!

You can try to make your body the best it can be.
Do you enjoy any exercise, weights, sports?
This can be a good focus point. Don’t bother with gyms , choose something you can do cheaply and (maybe) alone.
As you get better and your body gets stronger you will gain confidence.
You may develop the exercise to doing it in a class/with others and could surprise yourself by meeting people , friends, through these avenues.

Chose 1 area of your body to focus to try to make yourself feel a little better.
Teeth sound like your main area of concern. Could you speak to the dentist about a credit plan for potential treatments? I know my dentist offer this.

Remember you are worthy of love and happiness.

Sorry if this sounds trite, I wish you all the best x

What really stands out in your first post is that you lost 150 pounds. This is remarkable. I'd love to be a size 16-18. At that size you can still pick nice things up in shops. It's a really nice size (says I, around a size 24 right now). You also had the guts to start over in your career. What comes across is that you are very determined.

I'm pretty old now but I remember the yearning in my 20s and 30s for men who weren't interested. You can waste years like that. All I would say, is find something to like about yourself, and then something else, and do things you enjoy, just for the enjoyment of them. If people are laughing at you in the gym, there is something wrong with them, not you.

I have very very fine hair and have a short bob which makes it look thicker and is much easier to maintain and very cheap to cut and colour.

Ditch the expensive extensions and faffing with your hair and spend money on teeth instead. There’s always hair bands, hats and wigs to cover hair. There’s no way of hiding from bad teeth (if they’re as bad as you say).

Baking is wonderful. Creative and a giving of love to others through feeding them beautiful things. And everyone loves cakes.
I am c.size 14/16 and I find lots of flattering things to wear - I choose things that suit me whether fashionable or not and go for the flamboyant and the unusual. You can do the same - striking is a darn sight better than pretty, too!
You could fix your teeth - discuss a payment plan with your dentist, they will surely have one. (I actually don't understand about not qualifying for NHS braces as a child, though. My DD had very mildly incorrect teeth and she had braces to correct them.)
And of course you will have your own home and romance. You need a boost to your self-esteem - and your soft hair sounds lovely, just get it properly cut.
And if you hate your job then start thinking about a new career (it's never too late).

I don't think attacking her parents is particularly helpful. OP has said she didn't qualify for NHS treatment as her teeth weren't actually that bad, she's clearly being overly critical about her looks.

OP please go to the GP. If the last one wasn't helpful, try someone else. Did a previous GP really tell you to just lose weight when you had been self harming? Because that's outrageous.

I agree with PPs that it's the negativity rather than your looks that's causing the issue. You really need some help with your self esteem.

I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

Bollocks. Nobody - literally nobody - loses 150lbs without look radically different. That's more than 10 stone. It's physically impossible to lose over 10 stone without looking any different.

You're obviously very depressed and have major problems with self-esteem and body image, and you need help. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, but posts like this aren't going to help you. You need professional counselling or therapy.

I wish you could see how young you are and how many opportunities you have.

The horrible experience is clouding your judgement. Would you consider a career as a youth support worker or youth probation officer, your degree would be welcomed, the money in youth support is very good.

A friend of mine is on €50,000 as a support worker for youth reach. She has a degree in childcare that was transferable.

I think you would be great at it, empathic and compassionate.

I'm rooting for you.

Most people are mediocre, it's a great place to be! We all have a place.

You are so young! Anything can happen, and life can change quickly. Be open to new things!

I know many people who thought they'd be alone forever then suddenly met someone, myself included - I was single for a decade, then at 36 met DH and within 11 months was engaged. It's so hard when you don't have the certainty of knowing when you'll meet someone. I wish, with hindsight, that I'd been bolder in asking people out but I didn't have confidence for that until I was 40!

Hair, noses and teeth don't matter. Do you think only people with thick hair, perfect noses and straight teeth have happy marriages?! But you can save up for braces if you want to - make a plan! Congratulations on your weight loss.

I have found it very common amongst my friends that the older we get the more confident we get in who we are. Be patient with yourself.

Also - nothing wrong with baking. The way to a man's heart etc.

I’m a band 2 in the NHS too Op, IT based. I love my job. But would you tell me my job is shit? If not, why do you think it’s ok to be this unkind about your own job situation? It would be pretty unkind of you to tell all your colleges they’re also shit for being band 2’s no? I think you really should consider seeing a therapist, you may be able to access this via occy health. And a trip to your GP would be beneficial.
By the way, baking is an excellent hobby! And well done on your amazing weight loss.

Sack the gym for something with more of a community spirit. Find a local fitness class in a hall somewhere . Any of the dance fitness classes I go to or run are just full of people who can be nervous to make friends, and it happens there eventually!

braces are bloody expensive but good orthodontists can have fair payment plans. Don’t go to a dentist for that, shop around and see if it can be made affordable

genuinely though I think therapy for your self esteem and mental health will make everything else fall into place, I think this should be a priority.