I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

Yes. It’s becoming more clear that looks are probably not the issue here.

Be proactive @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

1 Find a dentist and get a quote for braces and a payment plan.

2 Consider a career coach who is well qualified- many are psychologists, also do CBT. (Don't dismiss all coaches.) If you can't afford that, there are loads of books out there which help you with career choice.

3 Keep on with the weight loss.

4 Get your hair done and maybe think about getting a 'free' make up make over at a counter in a store.

5 Join some clubs or classes and make friends.

That's brilliant. Have a lovely time at those parties!

OP I am late to this party, have skimmed a bit and read your posts. Have you looked a the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation website? Just have a wander through it, see if anything strikes a chord. My DD could have written your post, and when challenged on it she'd say it's not depression etc., it's the TRUTH. We can all feel shit about our appearance (body dissatisfaction) but when it stops you doing things you want or makes you terribly unhappy then it is time to take action. I agree entirely with what you say about the GP probably dismissing your feelings as entirely weight related, although they might offer anti-depressants (could be worth considering) but if it's BDD you'll need specialist support. Anyway, just a thought: https://bddfoundation.org

What a lovely post. And so true. I have much less to lose and am finding it difficult to motivate myself even to just get started.

I just want you to know that I was you at your age. I fucking hated myself. Now I'm nearly 50 and I have got a lovely husband and 2 kids. I can't say I love myself but I know I'm not ugly and never was despite the straggly hair, wonky teeth, and weight.

What fixed it? Not losing weight, you'll be flabbergasted to hear. Finding a good therapist, doing things that made me feel like myself, and having less contact with my parents. Worked a charm.

Even if you are ugly (I bet you're not) the truth is that won't stop you finding a partner even if media/social media tries to convince you otherwise. Dating apps encourage shallowness and you have to have rock hard self esteem to deal with that, but in real life pheromones, confidence, and twinkly eyes will work wonders!!

I agree 100%. Sadly I'm not so sure that the root of OP's problems is about her physical appearance. But it's easier to blame that.

Thank you, that's a really nice thing to hear. I'm not amazing but I will never regret the slightly bonkers idea to run away to another country. Fortunately it was pre-Brexit so I was able to get my five years residence and then nationality before everything went a bit tits up.

Op I have two female single friends who are both objectively gorgeous. You know what? They have had a rough time on dating apps. Dick pics galore and men getting to know them simply to try and bed them then run for the hills.

It is very easy to feel alone, but you are far from alone. Very few people find it easy to form a good relationship.

So the thing to do is not focus on the relationship. You have to focus on changing the conversation you have with yourself about this.

Several of the most attractive women I ever knew were very large, and not “pretty”. Fabulous women who were adored by many men and women alike. That’s not to make you feel bad about yourself- but a lot of people are not as superficial as you think, the people worth knowing.

You have had a tricky time as a child, you didn’t love yourself by the sound of it. And then uni around the lockdown period was very hard. Academically successful but not certain of your next direction in life; wanting to be wanted. It’s a familiar tale but it doesn’t need to define your future.

We don’t really reach maturity until our late 20s - you are still just a baby adult, you have so much time. Devote your energy to yourself “inside” and learn to accept and love all the parts of you. If that means therapy then go for it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

People of all shapes, sizes and looks find love @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

I think it’s more about feeling at peace with yourself and being open to others. If you’re afraid to smile that is probably going to have a much more detrimental to relationships than having crooked teeth. I honestly think you’d be better off getting some support for your sense of worth and value than doing anything physical. I’m sure you have many wonderful qualities!

I’m coming to terms with the fact that at my core I don’t like much about myself. My looks, my personality, my job, my abilities.

I’m going to look into therapy but sadly the budget is tight right now. I’m also going to try and do one thing a week that challenges me to like myself a bit more but I don’t know how successful that will be

I cut back on food at one point to afford therapy. It was brutally hard work, but transformative. A friend of mine does an extra freelance job to afford hers. I’d urge you to try to find a way to manage it.

I’m currently trying to cover some of the commitments I have from my pay each month with paid surveys and things like that. It’s not much but if I try it every night, it’s something

This is one of the few times I would suggest taking out debt to fund braces or a nose job. I think it would improve your quality of life immensely and would be totally worth it.

Congratulations - amazing weight loss! You've proved you have courage, dedication and determination by achieving that success. That's part of your character.

At uni I had an acquaintance who was very overweight. Her hobbies included church bell and handbell ringing, and a well known TV series with a huge fandom. She had the best social life because she worked at it.

Time to take control and stop throwing rocks under your own feet, like you're currently doing - you'll only trip yourself up.

Carry on mastering your weight.

Get something sporty going on - a walking group is a great start and very social.

Bump up your hobbies and interests. What do you love? What would you like to try?

Invest in the kind of precision haircut that would suit fine, smooth hair, from an empathic hairdresser.

Treat yourself to hair, skin and body care products. And teeth whitening strips.

Get a professional bra fitting and some beautiful underwear.

And the job - look at other ways to bring money in.

Change starts with little steps.

You can’t say all this and not send a picture in 😩

I suspect the better you feel about yourself, the less you will be upset by your perceived physical short comings. I would suggest starting this journey of self love with self care. Focusing on healing your physical & mental health by feeding the body medicine like healthier food choices, exercise & inspirational reading/watching/listening to books/podcasts on better mental health & life coaching.

Most importantly small bites first. Just something small everyday & build on it. Nothing drastic just small goals each week.

Good luck!

As a life purpose, being attractive to men is a pretty low bar (you say no-one has been into you, but have you been into someone? It's not a one-way thing, and please work on your self esteem before some massive creep senses you're vulnerable and swoops in). Kindly, you're 26, you have the chance for an amazing life ahead, which I don't doubt will eventually include a partner and your own home if that's what you want, but that shouldn't define it. Take up space, do things you'e interested in, and enjoy the little time we all have. Also, well done on ditching a job not right for you, that amazing so young!

The thing is that people who aren’t ugly will always say it doesn’t matter what you look like.
I am also ugly and I wish people would just acknowledge it instead of pretending that I am not. I have dated, but one of my partners once said, when I’d dressed up - you can put a pig in a frock but it’s still a pig.
It has made my life much harder, being ugly. I see the difference in how attractive women are treated and it is huge.
I accept that huge parts of life are not for me / I am excluded from because I am ugly.

Of course in your case it could be low self-esteem talking, I don’t know. But sending solidarity anyway.

If you want braces most private dentists will offer monthly payment plans. You’re 26 and employed full time… ages to save up for the things you want. Especially when done with your jabs… my mates braces were about £70 a month.

Big nose? Doesn’t really matter. There are plenty of big nosed people in the world and they’re not all single. I wouldn’t recommend surgery but that is an option if you save for it.

I’d recommend you carry on with the weight loss - I find the biggest difference visually is between a size 12 and size 18. That’s when people usually drop from overweight/obese to healthy weight. If you can’t see it at that point then it’s in your head.

Most of us Brits don’t exactly have luscious hair compared to other ethnic groups so I wouldn’t stress about that. It’s part of many of our genetics to have fairly fine hair it’s not a big deal. When I tie mine up it’s barely the thickness of a pencil… my husband doesn’t care.

Certainly plenty of people considered ‘ugly’ by the current standards have partners so that’s not the main barrier. My sister is model beautiful and a successful doctor… she’s still single in her 30s. Some people are just unlucky, it’s not a personal failing so stop seeing it as a symbol of how bad you are. It’s luck not deservedness.

I would give a lot to be 26 again (but knowing what I know now, of course!).

Time and youth are absolutely on your side.

I have to say that society in general doesn't help those who feel badly about themselves. I gained weight over the past couple of years, but when I look in the mirror I quite like what I see. I think I am an attractive person. I look different from when I was thin of course, but I don't think I look worse. HOWEVER, the message from society is that what I am is equal to ugliness. Look at the way the media deals with celebrity weight gain. It's appalling. So, even if you feel good about yourself the media will surely tear down your confidence. I would like to lose the weight, mainly for health reasons, but I have to admit it is also to fit in and be more acceptable. When I lose the weight I will probably be told how wonderful I look now, the implication being that I don't when I am fat, which - in my opinion - isn't true.

It’s so sad that you feel this way about yourself. I think if we are being honest appearances ARE important and it’s a fact that appearances help you get ahead and it obviously impacts your happiness. I’d do everything that I could to fix it.

I was not a naturally beautiful person but made the absolute best of my appearance and changed it through some subtle surgeries.

I am happy and successful in many ways and I think a huge amount of that is down to appearance.

Nose and teeth could be fixed in turkey with natural Vaneers’s (go for a shade 4 or below to avoid “turkey teeth” look) for a combined cost of £4500 then say £700 for flights and accommodation for the week it would take. Take a loan or borrow the money from family and repay over time.

Lose the weight, diet if you can or weight loss injections. At less than £200 a month I bet you would save that amount on convenience food.

I really do think no woman is truly ugly and just lazy. You can fix it if it matters to you.

Rather than fluffing about I hope this advice is helpful to what you are struggling with.

That’s an incredibly unhelpful and actively damaging post that says more about your own insecurity than anything. Suggesting that women who don’t diet or drug to lose weight and have surgery or dental veneers to ‘improve’ their appearance are ‘lazy’ is both ridiculous and misogynistic.

Look at how they take the piss out of Judy Finnegan, Pierce Brosnan's wife and Fern Britton.