I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

Ahhhh OP @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

I am so sorry you are feeling down and out about yourself. I haven't read the entire thread but there has been some good feedback here.

It's so easy to criticise and find fault in ourselves. I could list so many things I'm not happy with about myself, and I've certainly in my teens and 20's hated myself for ugliness, weight, personality etc. I am now a mother in my 30s and if I thought any of my friends or family thought of themselves the way I did, and you do now, I'd be so upset.

I genuinely think you would benefit from regularly seeing a therapist. Not your GP who isn't a MH specialist but an actual therapist who will listen and guide you in coming out of this sad time.

In the meantime, you've mentioned so many things in your post and comments that are just factually incorrect or contradicting of yourself. For example, you've mentioned you aren't clever enough then told us about your awesome GCSE, A Levels and good degrees. You may not like this field of work, but you certainly are highly intelligent.

Separately you've mentioned not being able to do you hobbies alone for the next 50 years... why the hell do you need a man to go hiking or baking? Myself & my husband have very little joint hobbies, we actually enjoy doing things separately for ourselves. Hobbies and a future partner are not inherently interlinked.

I totally get your self esteem issues though. In fairness most people will be able to pick out things they dislike about themselves. I yoyo with my weight... Sometimes I get really pissed off and lose weight again for a year or so then I get complacent and boom chocolate and snacks creep back in and the gym is gone. That's life. But when it bothers me again, I'll lose it again. You are doing a fantastic thing losing weight... not only for your health but eventually you'll see a drastic change in your image.

I think ontop of going to see a therapist regularly, you would benefit from making a list of things you want to change (the potential costs) and also a timeliness to do these. I'm not talking get it all done within 5 months but be realistic.

Go to a salon and get proper extensions fitted (not clip in ones) but bonded or beaded or weft etc. Yes they are pricey but you work and they'll be attached every day when you get up and it'll just be one less thing to focus on.

Next go and get a price for your teeth! Find out what the payment plan prices would be. You said you enjoy baking so I'd probably try to set up a little cake business on the side to help save toward your teeth. You get a few quid and eventually your teeth will be sorted.

You think you don't look like you've lost weight because you probably aren't dressing for your new shape. For Christmas, treat yourself to a style consultation. They are about £200 for a few hours in a big department store where someone will talk you through the right colours for you, the right fits, and they can offer you tips for where to shop for your price point.

You aren't going love yourself overnight. It's a wrok in progress but you are worth it so put in the effort.

You've had some brilliant advice on this thread, OP. Why don't you pick one piece of advice that you're curious about, and start from there? You only need to do one small thing to get the ball rolling. Maybe start a gratitude journal, join a social group, or buy a self-help book from Amazon. Go for a walk. Pet a dog. Antidepressants may be a good idea, too - worth looking into. Exercise really helps give you energy and positivity. Call the samaritans for a chat. There are so many things to try. They won't all be for you, but give yourself a chance. Be your own best friend for once.

Just start with one little thing. Admit to yourself that you're not 'coming to terms' with how you feel about yourself. That in fact, you're very sad and hurt and frightened and lonely, and you need kindness, love and support - like we all do, and like we all deserve. Including you. Then choose one thing, one way you can show yourself some kindness today.

OP I think this is the kind of post I think people above are referring to. The poster who you replied to here empathised with you and also shared they had lost their partner to cancer. You didn't even acknowledge their tragedy in your reply.

OP, I haven't read all the replies but you do sound quite depressed to me.

If your nose and teeth are affecting your self-esteem that badly then either save or get a loan to get them done. I had a young friend who hated her nose. I couldn't see anything at all wrong with it but she had it corrected and her confidence soared.

I've got a big nose and elephant ears. I'm still 2 stone overweight, although I've lost four and a half with WLI. I've been told, though, that I have lovely eyes and smile.

It makes me sad that at 26 you feel like you're never going to find a partner. My mum used to say there's a lid for every pan. Except mine, apparently 😂

I second this. Although the advice to lose weight is sound, we know that obesity is a risk factor for depression and there's no reason that the depression can't be treated with medication while someone is continuing to lose weight.

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers

Read this again. And again.

With your attitude you are in danger of exhausting the goodwill of Mumsnet, and that's quite something!

I'd love to see you say "I will try" or "thank you for your kindness" – any small indication that you've gained anything from all the kindness you've received.

Read @Starlight1984's post again.

I’m really sorry this has been your experience with the GP it’s all to common for people with bigger bodies and so invalidating that so often they can’t see beyond a persons weight.

Don’t get me started on the BMI and how terrible it is as a marker for health. All I can say is I used to be a lot slimmer but my mental health was in the ground. Now I’m bigger (bigger cloths size than you) but I’ve done an immense amount of internal work on myself through therapy (private and NHS) and I feel so much better about myself and my coping skills to get through life, so arguably I’m healthier now than when I was slim as I’m not living with chronic anxiety.

You need to start doing some inner work on yourself. Do you follow any good Instagram accounts? I am not talking about faux body positivity ones but ones that are actually real and authentic. I found just filling up my online space with content like that really helped me see things differently and helped me push back when the doctor comes at me with you should lose weight or BMI chat.

Health is so much more than just weight and if your mental health is in the ground that’s going to take a huge tole on your physical health too.

I’d recommend @intuitive.eating.ireland on instagram and also would recommend looking at the work of Aubrey Gordon she has an excellent podcast called Maintenance Phase, and a documentary called Your Fat Friend, which is excellent. You can build yourself up to be firmer with the GP and say I am not here to discuss my weight I need help with my mental health snd self esteem so please can we not discuss my weight during this appointment.

In short, I know how disheartening it can be speaking to the GP but there is help out there beyond that if you look for it.

Can I ask you to do one thing, please? Never refer to yourself as a turd again. I know it was probably supposed to be semi-joking but if you refer to yourself as a turd, it frames your whole idea of yourself. Perhaps somebody said it to you, more than once, when you were growing up. Perhaps your mum said it about herself. But you are not a turd.

I've had half a glass of wine so I feel like saying a bit more. I've not had any man seriously interested in me for over 20 years (quite a few non-serious but that's another story). It broke my heart for a long time but now I'm kind of relieved. I can do whatever I like without some old wanker getting under my feet. At the age of 49 I left the UK without a job to go to. I'm not a very skilled person, no degree or anything. Long story very short, I'm still "abroad" at nearly 64 and this is where I will stay. Fingers crossed I will be in my nice job until I retire in a few years. I have dual nationality now. Sometimes you don't know how good you are until you have a go. Get outside of your comfort (or discomfort) zone. And, as previously mentioned, I'm fat. Not really attractive any more. Very single. Prone to awful depression. But having my own little adventure, doing my thing.

Find your thing, and do your thing. Just do something, try something.

I was simply stating NHS orthodontic treatment for under 18s is not a given.

And not everybody is happy to have crooked teeth.

I am in awe of your weight loss! That’s amazing. You’re clearly more incredible than you know OP.

I don’t think that’s fair at all.

Having seen your posts on other threads, you seem extremely angry, resentful and unhappy about life in general. Is this really about your looks, or is there much more going on for you than you realise?

Bless you I hope you find someone special.

One of my children is older than the OP yet they were seen by an NHS dentist roughly 20 years ago about teeth. They were advised that the alignment was so slight it was not worth tackling and now, as an adult, it's clear that was right.

BUT the point is that my DC was referred for an assessment.

Join the “average club” where the majority of us are! You’re only 26, no need to panic, also even if you are as unattractive as you think you are ( which I doubt) it’s not going to stop you meeting someone and finding love! That’s not how evolution has played out- if only average or attractive people procreated then there would be no unattractive people in the world - but there are probably millions , those “ugly” genes are being passed on because they found someone who saw their inner beauty. Also Look up Hollywood celebs before they got plastic surgery and their teeth done !

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive.

I don't think this has anything to do with how you look, I think it's that you don't love yourself. I know that sounds wanky and it probably sounds clichéd to read it, but no-one came poverty you if you dont love yourself. They're not 'feeling it' because of the vibes you're giving off.

Deprioritise a romantic relationship and concentrate on your relationship with yourself and building your self esteem.

I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone and ordered two dresses I’d never normally wear, for Christmas parties I’m going to

That's great. I hope you have a lovely time at the parties.

Get over it? This is life

Don't be nasty.

The majority of the population are not conventionally attractive. Attractive people are the minority. Take a walk outside in a busy populated area and see how many of these people are out with spouses. The answer will be most of them. I have met many women who look how you describe yourself. They’re all married

Given what I witness with my own eyes everyday, I’m willing to bet that part of the reason men are not interested in you is due to your personality or attitude. This theory also fits in with the fact that you make initial matches on dating apps, but after talking they claim they’re not interested in meeting. Think about that.

While men are visual creatures, a lot of them are also realistic. Most of them won’t write off a woman of equal levels of attractiveness, based on her looks alone. After all these men also crave love and companionship, and realistically speaking, are also aware their options may be limited.

I think you need to take a step back and think about how you come across to people. I’ve noticed your responses to posters are not personable in anyway. Just short, blunt, and negative. And also very much all about you, despite the fact these posters are sharing their insecurities and bad past experiences in an attempt to make you feel better. (I have quoted one of your posts as an example below underneath this post) Are you coming across like this in text to the men on the dating apps, or even in person by any chance?

It appears that therapy may be beneficial in your case.

Following on from my post just now, this is what I was referring to.

You sound amazing to me.

Says somebody who has never suffered. Nobody chooses depression.