I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

Don’t know about others but I have learned a lot from this thread that has been a bit of an epiphany to get me to shift my mindframe from low to healthy.

If the teeth were so terrible they were affecting OPs life she would have been offered free orthodontics as a child . I doubt they are any more crooked than most people .
Btw I have one tooth at the bottom that is crooked it hasn't affected my life in the least because I don't think about it.

If that has been one doctor on those occasions, do not take it as given. You are entitled to seek further help from another GP at your surgery, to tell them how low you are feeling, you can be any size and feel low. Perhaps a low dosage of anti-depressants may help you tackle your low self esteem.
Ask the GP about therapy, I'm not sure you would get this free on the NHS but recommendations of a local therapist may be given.
Love yourself, I know it's easier said then done, but I honestly believe you can turn things around, you deserve it. Good luck OP

OK OP maybe not therapy

But is there something you could do today that could be the start of a comeback?
What do you reckon about volunteering?

I’ve been exactly where you are @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers.

wasted my 20s worrying about looks and that no man was interested in me.

Fixed my teeth and weight. Worked hard. Built a career. But never tackled my crippling self loathing and low self esteem so when I did attract men it was abusive types who could smell my lack of self love and desperation. My 30s and even very early 40s were a litany of dating disasters. I never believed I was good at my job and didn’t deserve promotions or higher pay.

A while back, whilst on a train, two young women laughed at me and called me ugly. And something clicked with me. So what. Who cares if I’m ugly? I no longer do. I wrote a thread on here about how freeing that realisation was.

And life has gotten better and better as I’ve integrated that into my life.

I am older, saggier, greyer but happier than I have ever been.

My teeth which I spent a fortune on straightening and whitening are wonky again as I didn’t care enough to keep wearing my retainers. I think they do give me character.

My hair is thinner and greyer - I bleach the grey stripes to make them more noticeable. People comment on them all the time.

My face is older but I wear bright red lipstick to attract attention to it. I think it looks cheery.

My poor old body that I’ve hated for so long is now lifting heavy weights and getting fitter than I’ve ever been. I have muscles! Me who was always a couch potato.

I am highly respected in my professional circles because I truly do not give a shit about people pleasing any more so speak my mind. People listen to my expertise and I earn more than I ever have.

And yes, believe it or not and despite the username, I met someone who could have been made for me. He - in his own words - worships the ground I walk on. He’s old and grey and a bit saggy too and had a rough go through life himself so we don’t look like loves young dream but we are obscenely happy and content with each other. I genuinely wake up every day excited to spend it with him even if the most we have planned is a trip to the super market.

But had I not dropped my baggage about my looks and ‘value’ I would never have believed anyone could love me the way he does and would never have been able to accept it.

It wasn’t the rest of the world who was rejecting me all those years. It was me rejecting me and telling the world not to bother with me. You might think you don’t say anything self deprecating to the men on apps but it will be leaking through because you are so so down on yourself.

I agree you need therapy - NHS self referral will be CBT most likely which I don’t think is enough for you. You may need to look at some private options. It’s worth the investment. Just please stay away from ‘life coaches’ who talk in toxic positivity cliches.

As a few other posters have said you also need to start being kind to yourself. Radically, intensely, overwhelmingly kind. Treat yourself as you would a tiny version of yourself. Pour the love you are looking for into yourself. It’s a cliche, but it’s true. It’s also very very hard when you are used to being your own worst enemy.

No one is going to be able to love you until you not only believe you deserve love but understand how to accept love.

Doesn’t mean you’ll never have bad days. Or have body issues. But if you can chip away day by day at the hate you have for yourself, you’ll get there.

You have a whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it hating yourself.

Maybe try to separate out how you feel emotionally and what you can aim for in terms of your appearance.

I don't see anything 'wrong' in having things done if you are really unhappy with your looks.

However, even if you had your teeth, nose and hair fixed and lost another 5 stones or whatever, would you be happy?

Have you had careers advice at all? Doing 2 degrees then working below your intelligence is not good for your wellbeing. You've got the ability to do so much more. You just need to find your niche.

If you really want your teeth done, most dentists offer payment plans so you get it on credit, paying monthly. Invisalign or braces are around £2K.

Your hair- have you had blood tests for iron etc? And your thyroid?

Have you tried thickening/ volumising shampoos?
There are always hair extensions but again, at a cost.

Move to Australia. You're young enough to get a working visa and the warm weather will cheer you up. You're depressed and need a change in lifestyle.

I have incredibly fine hair that falls out constantly and to compliment it I also have a face full of scars and disabilities, it never slowed down my ability to attract people who wanted relationships with me at all.

Looks are such a tiny part of dating. Yes it might attract lots of random attention off strangers in a bar etc... but 'meet another human' is literally just the bare minimum first step and if you leave the house you meet people all the time it doesn't need to be 'he bought me a drink and asked me out'.

The majority of dating is PERSONALITY (which usually comes from confidence, this is what people get crushes on, its all the weird silly quirks that make us unique which can include unique features and their effects they have on us and how we own them) and also COMPATIBILITY (this is what comes from talking to people you meet and just getting to know them, empathizing on similar experiences and finding out if you fit in each others life ideologies).

Love isn't an instant 'first sight' thing, thats a hollywood lie only 'lust' exists at first sight and lust isn't love. Love grows slowly over time them more time you spend with someone and the people you fall in love with can often be people you didn't get asked out by the first time you met. I have loads of friends who had been friends with people for years even decades before realising how compatable they have always been and getting together etc...

You descriptions of your self sound like you may have dysmorphia to be honest, if you truely see 'no difference' in a 150lb weight loss (thats a impressive amount, I have struggled to lose 10 bloody pound this year) their is something wrong with you ability to independently judge yourself because theres no way you loose nearly 11 stone and don't look different.

If you have issue with your self view and confidence that will negatively effect the first step of personality. I know it sounds cliche but you need to at least make peace with yourself (you don't have to 'love' everything about yourself but you do have to apologetically exist) before you can be confident enough to be with others.

Seriously?

The negativity to every suggestion is exhausting here. If OP won the lottery, it wouldn't improve anything. You won't find a boyfriend this way. So find someone to unravel your mental health issues.

I'm bowing out now and hopefully this thread has helped someone.

This is a sad thread to read. You’re very young and a lot can change. Let’s be honest, some people are naturally more physically attractive than others and have an easier time but there are things you can do to improve things. I’m not pretty, I’m not fat but I have a long face small eyes and wonky teeth. I could have done something about the teeth but the other bits I can’t change. I also have thin fine hair. My advice would be to focus on what you can change. I do my hair as well as I can, wear colours that suit me and have found a style of dressing that suits me. I look as good as I can and then forget about it. Dating apps weren’t a thing in my day but if they had been I don’t doubt people would have scrolled past. I met people, including men by joining things I was interested in where they would be ( a rambling club, a political party etc). I just got involved and got to know people and eventually made relationships. I didn’t go there just to find a partner but I did. I suggest focusing on what you can change. Your achievements show that you’re intelligent so you could get experience to lead to a better job. I met one boyfriend volunteering ( he did painfully dump me but that happens to people, attractive or not). I agree that some therapy is expensive and rubbish, look at CBT online. Continue with getting to a weight you’re happy with, get nice clothes, make a plan for a job you would be interested in. I’m older now and I would have liked to be pretty but I have had a very happy life in spite of having a face I wouldn’t have chosen. Some people are unkind but would you really want to associate with them. Accept what you can’t change but change what you can. Good luck. PS don’t make the mistake of going out with just anyone and being grateful for crumbs, you’re better off on your own. You deserve someone who truly cares for you

Seriously? Yes. Why? Because you know her or can advise better, I'd imagine.

evan supermodels hate bits of their body, well done on losing so much weight, average dress size is a 16, please be kind to your self smile dress to show off your good bits,you have lots, a kind heart, have a sense of humour be kind, please believe you not not ugly, take care of yourself xx

Well done on your weight loss. That's amazing 👏 There's a fasting group on here, I'm on. Or you can join another type if weight loss group on here. Being part of a community will help with the motivation. I fast a couple of days a week and it really helps with the weight loss. My neighbour has very fine hair and bought a good quality wig. She looks amazing now! It looks like her own hair and looks like it's had a blow out every morning! If you wanted to straighten out your teeth you could look into invisalign. They are less intrusive than braces. My friend had them done and could pay monthly. Her teeth took a year and look amazing now. Make sure you go for a walk each day, it does lift your mood and mental health. You are still so young! Only do these things if you want to for yourself, not or anyone else. I like improving myself as it makes me feel good.

Hi OP, you seem super critical of yourself and need to love yourself without the validation of another person.
I have lots of amazing friends who are employed in the NHS on band 2 scale and they are really making a difference to the service.
As for baking, I am worse than useless myself and would love to be able to do this.
Congratulations on your amazing weight loss.
Please remember that most people aren't naturally beautiful in the conventional way and I don't like my early morning look at all like many others.
Step by step.
Skincare, nailcare, bubble bath, fresh air are all examples that can make us feel better.
Please take care and don't rely on a relationship to validate yourself.
You are you.

Hair wise..just try this once. Apply conditioner..the cheap argan oil in a tube from Poundland or any conditioner..to you dry hair and leave it on for half an hour. Then wash hair ..i use albert balsam from Aldi..then dry your hair. It should be better. Then use whatever curling option you have.

So try again, only choose your own therapist, find someone good, and really work at it.

You need to find a good therapist you can connect with and be open and willing to listen.

Get the braces. Do one thing and it will help.

Most people have 2k worth of stuff in their attic that they could sell. Do whatever you need to do to get your teeth sorted. You can do that one thing.

Get a bank loan and get the braces first. Spread the cost to something manageable. It’ll be a huge confidence boost. One thing at a time but I’d start there.

Can you join some likeminded people so you don’t hike and watch sport alone?
A walkers/ramblers/hiking group? Not necessarily to meet a man but so you don’t feel so alone?
What about a group who also watch the same sport?
Do you get on with people at work you could socialise with?
You sound very low and depressed, and it’s very hard to get motivated when you feel like this. Could you speak to your GP? Or self refer to counselling/ mental health support?

I think some posters forget that saying 'NHS Band 2' means nothing to many of us.

I have no idea what that means in terms of salary - if it's a clinical role (assume not) or admin. But I assume it's not a high salary.

What I do know @AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers is that you can do better than what you're doing now unless you enjoy the work.

I'd suggest you talk to a career coach (many are qualified psychologists so they do have 'proper qualifications' ) and get some insight into what you want to do, and how to get there.

More income will help you in many ways so if you choose to, you can spend on your teeth, hair, and even your nose.

It won't sort out your underlying low self-worth but it will be a start of liking what you see in the mirror and that's a step in the right direction.

Youre 26 and speak like your life is over. Its barely even started. You could achieve anything at 26.

Why not?

You say you hated criminal law but is that the real issue? Because your academic achievements whilst not exceptional are v good and easily enough to be a criminal law solicitor.

weight/teeth/hair is cosmetic and potentially fixable

but YOU are your biggest issue

RuPaul kind of sums it up if you can’t love yourself how in the hell are you going to love somebody else

I will add to that how in the hell is someone going to love you.

you can’t expect people to love you when you clearly don’t - I suspect you are a perfectionist who has an idealised version of how someone should be, how they should look, how intelligent, confident etc that you always fall short of.

and because you fall short you doubt and hate yourself- and if you do that that is the version of you you project to the world so that is who people react to.

until you at least try and fix that, or accept who you are and start to love yourself