I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m really very ugly

[AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers]

And I don’t know what I can do about it

I have very fine hair. It’s like baby hair. It’s nothing health wise (I’m not losing it), there’s a lot of hair on my head but each strand is just so fine. I can’t style it or do anything with it. I have to get extensions to feel comfortable wearing it down. I take all the supplements and use all the serums but it doesn’t change a thing.

My teeth are crooked but I can’t afford braces. I didn’t qualify for braces on the NHS as a child and my parents wouldn’t pay for them because they thought my teeth “added character”. Now whenever I smile it looks like I’m missing a tooth at the front. I don’t smile with my mouth open because it just looks awful.

im fat, I’ve lost nearly 150 from my heaviest but I’m still a size 16-18. Nothing looks good on me and I want to hide my body all the time. I look the exact same as I did 150lbs ago.

I could do with a nose job, my nose is crooked and big, but I can’t afford it.

sometimes I just feel like giving up, I’m 26, I’ve never had a romantic relationship because nobody has ever found me attractive. I’ve tried all the dating apps but whenever I suggest meeting up with a guy he turns round and says no because he’s not feeling it. I try to meet people in person but nobody is even interested in talking to me.

it just feels like it’s been such a long time on my own already, the thought of doing another 50 years on my own just fills me with dread. I just want to cry when I think of my future because I feel like I’ll never meet anyone because I’m just genuinely ugly.

To sum it up, pretty much. Lose weight, eat healthier, and grief is “like waves in a harbour”

You are clearly so lacking in self esteem that you are talking shit about yourself.

You have 2 degrees in criminology and law yet don't think you're that intelligent? Are you joking?

You definitely need therapy to work in your self esteem. You can even get self help books that focus on self esteem and confidence.

No-one here is going to agree with you that you are ugly, fat, unintelligent etc as that is clearly not true and is just how you perceive yourself.

This is why I asked the question about private therapy as you agree the terms, boundaries and tackle one issue at a time

I'm your age too, I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way, I know this really must really take a toll on your mental health.

My teeth have always been a huge insecurity too but a few years ago I decided to do Invisalign on a monthly payment plan (I also wasn't eligible for NHS braces as a teen and my family couldn't afford them privately) - this is one of the best things I ever did for my self esteem. I get so many compliments on my teeth now and I always used to feel insecure when speaking. Is this something you could do?

You can join a walking group and meet new people who also like walking, you can use your baking skills to bake for a charity like free cakes for kids or the cake initiative both great charities or you can offer to bake for charity cake fairs. You can join a sports club or a friendship club where people watch sports together. Don't focus on meeting a partner focus on meeting new people through things you love.

I haven't seen you but I know you don't look the same after losing 150ibs that is impossible.
if you look around you will see that not every couple is conventionally beautiful what makes people stay together is personality and shared interests .
The issue is not what you look like but your depression, and your perception of yourself.

In that case it wasn't a professional therapist / psychologist you were speaking to.

No, it doesn't. The NHS qualification for braces is aesthetic. One of my daughters had an overbite that qualified for NHS treatment. The other had a less pronounced overbite that didn't.

And if people decided against having kids on the basis that in twelve years' time they might not be able to afford braces for their teeth, we could start knocking down primary schools tomorrow.

Manifest my arse.

Why can't people in Gaza maifest a good life?

OP, maybe start with one thing. The teeth , you can get interest free credit. My teeth are appalling but at 68 and broke, its too late for me. fee fre to DM for a chat.

It was. It was private therapy via the suggestions on the patients know best portal through my GP

If you were under 18 and in the UK tooth braces are free if a dentist assesses you need them .
When you say your teeth are crooked do you just mean not perfect and artificial looking like a celebrity?
Given you say you look the same having lost so much weight I bet you are the only person who notices your teeth and your fine hair.

Bloody well done on the weight loss! Thats a fantastic achievement. I’m sure it is noticeable, can you get on Vinted to try some new styles without spending too much?
Hair - can you change the colour so it looks less fine? I never style mine, wash, dry, straighten so it’s not a frizz ball but then its always in a ponytail.
If your conscious about your nose can you go get a make up session at boots to see how to use contouring to help? I think you can book online, they are 20 minute sessions.

Absolutely no professional therapist / psychologist who you were seeing for grief / bereavement issues would tell you that you "just need to lose weight and eat healthy".

In fact, unless your weight was the specific reason you were having therapy / counselling then it would never get mentioned full stop.

I think it's clear that her teeth might not even be that bad from how distorted and negative her replies have been about clearly positive things eg the degrees, the 150lb weightloss, being only 26...it's like talking to a wall.

But was he or she accredited by the BACP or equivalent? Thoroughly qualified? Because I’ve had a fair amount of therapy in my life, in different countries, and no therapist has ever told me to lose weight. That’s not in their remit.

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers I find it very interesting when someone recalls what someone else said to them. If you were in bereavement counselling it’s extremely unlikely that they said ‘lose weight’. It’s very likely however that they discussed with you the importance of self care. Totally different but totally understandable that to you this translates as ‘lose weight’.

And you have lost a LOT of weight. Huge congratulations.

When I was in therapy there was a small picture on the wall with the words, ‘Thoughts are not facts’. If you read back through the replies you’ve had a lot of support. How can you use that to move forward? Presumably you posted last night because you wanted something to change? I genuinely suggest starting with your thoughts.

Get support here, from friends and family, from professionals. If you want life to change you will need to work a bit more unfortunately.

Yeah it will be the same cherry picking and distorted recall of events of when men disappeared after asking to meet up. Most men will chat to meet up even if they aren't feeling it as they are very sex driven.

Plenty of ugly people with boring jobs have partners who adore them.

Y’know what really makes someone unattractive? Someone who is unendingly negative and mopey. I don’t want to be around someone who is whining about being ugly, boring, having an uninteresting job, oh I’m 26 but I’ve already decided I’ll never own a home and will die alone.

I have sympathy for you OP, I really do but you are absolutely determined to be miserable and so you will be.

You aren’t talented in art or music?? We don’t live in Bridgerton times where young ladies are expected to entertain the local gentry with a tune or two on the harpsichord. Do you honestly think those of us that are in relationships are dazingly our partners of an evening with our art skills?? Trust me my husband would much rather I could bake than produce a decent painting.

& what kind of exciting jobs do you think everyone has? Of course some people have interesting careers but most of us are in offices, or shops or hospitals working to pay our bills.

I mean this in the most positive way possible, you are not special. You are not so uniquely ugly. Your normal. Your jobs isn’t so utterly dull. It’s normal. Your hobbies and interests aren’t ridiculously boring. They’re normal.

You’re normal OP. You’ll likely have a normal life like the rest of us. Most of us didn’t own property at 26, we weren’t married to handsome men who adored us and we weren’t travelling to exotic locations with for our fascinating jobs.

If you are on social media, get off it immediately and get out in the real world. Have a wander around a shopping centre and look at the people you see there. Are you honest to God so much more hideous than the people you see out in the real world? Do you honestly only see super attractive people walking around with their partner and kids? How many of them do you think play an instrument or work on their “art” regularly?

You could have said a general thanks.

Sorry but this is a total pity party.

In fairness some professional therapists / psychologists are shit.

I experienced one similar to what OP describes.

Braces are only free if you fall within specific criteria they use to determine necessity. If it’s simply a cosmetic desire, even as a child you won’t necessarily be lucky.

Yeah looking back it was very wishy washy. A total waste of time and money

@AutumnLeavesandKnittedJumpers Not sure if you missed this response, but it's spot on. You talk about what little you have to offer, assuming that makes you unique. Very few people have anything to offer which makes them special! Most people are just pottering through life, trying to make the best of it.

In reality you sound like you have depression. Have you ever been on/would you go on anti depressants?

You have no idea what her teeth are like though!
The NHS provide free orthodontics for children. There is no income assesment if an orthodontist assess that a child under 18 needs a brace it is provided at mo cost.
OP may not have film star shiny teeth but I doubt that anyone notices them. I am sure they don't stop her making friends and I bet even if she had her teeth done now she wouldn't feel any different because the issue isn't the teeth it is OPs perception of herself

I'm really struck by how capable you seem - great GCSEs and A levels, 2 degrees - all whilst struggling with your mental health. Changing careers, losing a lot of weight.

You've had so much advice, much of it kind and thoughtful, from people who have felt the same.

Do you feel able to make a plan to be kind to yourself? What would be your first step?

I do agree with that. Even the NHS ones can be shit. I was recently referred for some CBT therapy through my local IAPT service for OCD, which I was diagnosed with 10 years ago and which I intermittently struggle with. The therapist I was assigned through IAPT basically decided herself that I didn't have OCD but it was more general anxiety based instead. Despite the fact that I clearly have OCD and was diagnosed with it by a clinical psychologist. She then started treating me for general "worry", which surprise surprise only made me worse because the treatment wasn't appropriate for OCD, which is what the problem was in the first place.

I've since learnt that IAPT therapists aren't qualified to diagnose or question diagnoses so I might make a complaint to the IAPT service.