DS injured DN on purpose!! Tell SIL?

[Novemberfairy]

We were at SIL’s Sunday for a just a family get-together. DS (12) and his older cousin (17) are normally very close. They always mess about, playfighting, wrestling etc and i’m forever telling them to pack it in before someone gets hurt.

They were doing their usual roughhousing when DN suddenly screamed. Everyone assumed he’d landed funny or twisted something. He tried to play it down but was pale and holding his side. SIL took him to minor injuries later.

SIL messaged Sunday night saying DN has a shoulder sprain and two cracked ribs. I felt awful, but we all genuinely thought it was just a stupid accident from messing about.

Then DS came to me this afternoon. He confessed that he meant to hurt his cousin. Not to this extent but he admitted he’d been getting wound up because DN had been teasing him earlier about being small/immature. He said when they were wrestling he “used a move to hurt him a bit”. His words. He insisted he didn’t want to cause serious injury but he did act on purpose and intentionally made him suffer.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand he clearly acted impulsively and now feels dreadful. He’s 12, not a monster. But on the other hand he intentionally hurt someone and the outcome was really serious. SIL and DN think it was just a freak accident.

Do I tell SIL the truth? Do I make DS tell her himself? Or is it kinder to handle it privately since he didn’t understand the potential for real harm and is already feeling guilty?

Yes it’s weird for a 12 and 17 year old to play flight.

luckily this is a good reason to end it, they are too big and being too rough.

its good your son told you its an opportunity to talk about managing emotions he can’t lose his rag like that and hurt people. Assess whether its a random one off or does he need some therapy.

I wouldn’t say anything to sil , he did something he knew may hurt but he didn’t intend to crack his ribs. But I would keep a closer eye on things when they are together. There’s obviously some toxicity there and your son is still a child you should be protecting him

But your son should apologise for going too far now you know the extent of the injury

Don't tell her. I was on the receiving end of this, albeit the children were much younger. But it still forever changed the relationship with SIL and to some extent how I view DH's family. They tried to brush the whole thing under the rug and protect the nephew, when it was clear he had significant issues. Since then I keep an eagle eye on DD to make sure she's never alone with her cousin. He still has explosive tendencies and I personally think he could end up in trouble with the law later on.

You also need to reframe the "he's 12, not a monster" thinking. It's absolutely not normal to deliberately injure someone at that age. There is no such thing as "one offs" if the starting situation was relatively harmless. It wasn't like he was being attacked and had to fight for his life. You have to find some sort of intervention because puberty won't make it any better. It sounds like a fast track to becoming a domestic abuser or even worse.