DS injured DN on purpose!! Tell SIL?

[Novemberfairy]

We were at SIL’s Sunday for a just a family get-together. DS (12) and his older cousin (17) are normally very close. They always mess about, playfighting, wrestling etc and i’m forever telling them to pack it in before someone gets hurt.

They were doing their usual roughhousing when DN suddenly screamed. Everyone assumed he’d landed funny or twisted something. He tried to play it down but was pale and holding his side. SIL took him to minor injuries later.

SIL messaged Sunday night saying DN has a shoulder sprain and two cracked ribs. I felt awful, but we all genuinely thought it was just a stupid accident from messing about.

Then DS came to me this afternoon. He confessed that he meant to hurt his cousin. Not to this extent but he admitted he’d been getting wound up because DN had been teasing him earlier about being small/immature. He said when they were wrestling he “used a move to hurt him a bit”. His words. He insisted he didn’t want to cause serious injury but he did act on purpose and intentionally made him suffer.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand he clearly acted impulsively and now feels dreadful. He’s 12, not a monster. But on the other hand he intentionally hurt someone and the outcome was really serious. SIL and DN think it was just a freak accident.

Do I tell SIL the truth? Do I make DS tell her himself? Or is it kinder to handle it privately since he didn’t understand the potential for real harm and is already feeling guilty?

Those hormones are raging! He know’s he has done wrong, it wasn’t a “fair fight”, no more of it and let it go.

It's pretty unusual

If your sister finds out it was deliberate, and you lied about it by omission, she may well go to the Police, but it will harm your relationship regardless.

Goading is not an excuse for an assault, he told you he knew what he was doing and is old enough to understand the consequences.

The prevailing view in the responses is horrifying - if a child does something wrong they need to be taught how to do things right. It was cracked ribs, not a split lip!

It might be normal for toddlers...but no, tbh it's a bit weird having boys that old just randomly fighting?

Ah, come on. Don't be such a grump. Give yourself over to the dizzying pleasure that can only come from the resolution of the enigma represented by a gender neutral noun. Life's not that long a stay, to quote the poet. And the English language lends itself to this sort of thrill. Don't fight it! It's terrific fun!

Iv 3 boys who are now teens and this is exactly why rough housing/wrestling/play fighting was banned when they were small

Someone always gets hurt. Teens are impulsive and do stupid crap

This is nonsense. A child and a young man were willingly roughhousing, it went too far and one of them got hurt. That’s not GBH.

I don’t think there anything to ‘confess’, really - your nephew knows exactly what happened and is probably aware that he goaded your (much younger) son into reacting. Of course it was a silly thing to do, but 12yo boys aren’t known for their cautious and analytical approach to risk. Hopefully this will be a lesson to both of them.

Sounds like the bully DN got put in his place, what’s not to like?

Bet DN won’t be teasing DS again.

DN will know DS did it on purpose but is saying it was a freak accident so he doesn’t look the beaten one.

If the 17 year old has been taunting your 12 year old about his size and weight to the point your kid busted a couple of his ribs on purpose, I'd say they get along a lot less well than you think and they should be separated for a while.

What were you guys thinking letting a 17 year old physically fight with a 12 year old anyway? That needs to stop.

It looks to me from the outside that your nephew has been bullying your son. Sit down and have a talk with your son about it.

He confessed. He trusted you and clearly felt bad. He didn’t Intend to hurt DN as badly as he did, so I’m not sure there’s much to tell SIL to be honest, and to what end? Damaging relationships and losing trust… not worth it imo.

I would look at DS socials, work with him to understand if this was impulse control or something else and try to keep an open mind as to the best way to help him control his anger in future.

Sounds like the bully DN got put in his place,

That's my take on it also.

Shame he seems to have felt he couldn't rely on the adults though & was looking tactics up.

"Playfighting" at any age is ridiculous, unnecessary and dangerous and there is absolutely no need for it.

@Catsbreakfast what has it got to do with anyone's behaviour towards women?

I can’t believe how many people are trying to stick up for this 12 year old. This is not normal behaviour. I’d be very concerned if this was my child that had caused this level of injury to someone and had actually meant to cause harm. The way he has snapped is scary and you need to get him help with this.

Its a reach to say the 17 year old is bullying the 12 year old. All OP has said is that he was calling him small. This is normal winding each other up.

You need to tell SIL so they can decide if they want to press charges or not.

I think you need some parental controls on what he’s accessing/watching. They need to get together and mutually apologise. I’m really surprised this rough housing has gone on, continually by the sound of it. It’s massively inappropriate, I’ve never seen it in my mostly male relatives.

I waded in when 2 brothers were doing this waiting at pick up time. I absolutely hate it, the elder one (in this case!) was seriously hurting his brother from what I could see. Maybe I’m over the top, but my brother used to really hurt me when we were (forever) left home alone.

I agree with this.

He may have wanted to show he was strong not small and weak but I really doubt he meant to break bones or do any lasting damage. Roughhousing can be really... well, rough.

That doesn't meant he shouldn't be full of remorse however. It's good he has fessed up.

He looked up how he could hurt someone, this is more than accidental

No it isn’t. HTH.

Where exactly did you get that information from?

If the older child is still an immature bully or has some aspect of these behaviours, that is also not ok. A seventeen year old has a lot more mental agility and physical strength usually. The game of one-upmanship stops. I actually think your son did what he could to put this five year older cousin in his place when adults weren’t helping. Maybe he’ll learn now. Or maybe you all will.

FGS stop him accessing violent content on YouTube and why is he on TikTok? He’s 12.

Yes personally I think a 17 year old and 12 year old cousins play fighting frequently and to this extent is weird. you said in your OP you were always telling them that someone was going to get hurt. Fairly certain you shouldn’t need to have those conversations quite so much with kids past primary school age, they’re not toddlers.

I have two teen boys, rough play was pretty rare and any rough play always involved the eldest using too much force and frankly being an arsehole so I didn’t let it happen.

Im not sure that a 17 year old should be playing fighting with a 12 year old!!
12 year old spa with eachother, hopefully similar sizes and muscle mass etc....
I dont like the thought that anyone got hurt but honestly, it sounds like your son got wound up ( testosterone probably has landed on him heavily recently and boys literlaly get adult dose of it and have to work it all out pretty quickly without warning) he would be forgiven for lashing out especially if being threatened/ goaded...even as a joke. Im not sure the body and brain especially at that age know quite how to hold back or differentiate between play and defending self. Very, very sorry that Older boy got hurt but also, he is almost classed as an adult so really the play fights need to stop.
Maybe have a word with ds but if he has already come to you worried about it, shaming him further wont help anything I don't think.
Its serious, the broken ribs but also happens relatively easily if at wrong angle. A friends husband broke 3 ribs when he folded over and then fell from a half seated position onto some Wellington boots ( i know a bit random)
Sorry for the injuries though.

I wouldn't mention it. I can't find it in myself to feel particularly sympathetic for the 17 y/o. Play stupid games (fighting, 'play' or not), win stupid prizes. The same thing or worse could have occurred accidentally, to either of them.
The 17 y/o was fighting with someone 5 years younger than him, for heaven's sake. It's a good lesson for him not to mess with someone, even if you assume they're weaker than you. In a few months it would be treated as an adult wrestling with a child. Hopefully they'll both learn from this.

Doubtful, I am a black belt since I was 13 and one of the things you're taught is to never use your moves outside the dojo unless absolutely necessary. Karate teaches self restraint too. Would be a really good sport to get ops son into, I learned so much in karate that I still to this day use in my daily life (the mental side of it not the moves 🤣)

Unless your son has learning difficulties of some kind, 12 is above the age of criminal responsibility, and really should know that hurting someone deliberately is wrong.