DS injured DN on purpose!! Tell SIL?

[Novemberfairy]

We were at SIL’s Sunday for a just a family get-together. DS (12) and his older cousin (17) are normally very close. They always mess about, playfighting, wrestling etc and i’m forever telling them to pack it in before someone gets hurt.

They were doing their usual roughhousing when DN suddenly screamed. Everyone assumed he’d landed funny or twisted something. He tried to play it down but was pale and holding his side. SIL took him to minor injuries later.

SIL messaged Sunday night saying DN has a shoulder sprain and two cracked ribs. I felt awful, but we all genuinely thought it was just a stupid accident from messing about.

Then DS came to me this afternoon. He confessed that he meant to hurt his cousin. Not to this extent but he admitted he’d been getting wound up because DN had been teasing him earlier about being small/immature. He said when they were wrestling he “used a move to hurt him a bit”. His words. He insisted he didn’t want to cause serious injury but he did act on purpose and intentionally made him suffer.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand he clearly acted impulsively and now feels dreadful. He’s 12, not a monster. But on the other hand he intentionally hurt someone and the outcome was really serious. SIL and DN think it was just a freak accident.

Do I tell SIL the truth? Do I make DS tell her himself? Or is it kinder to handle it privately since he didn’t understand the potential for real harm and is already feeling guilty?

Agree with all of this.
definitely no need to involve SIL though

Your child is watching videos online “how to case injury “ and has broken ribs and you want to brush it under the carpet??
ok then

97% of the blame lies with the moronic parents who are allowing two boys to fight, for play.

2% with the 17 year old because he's bigger, older and should be smarter than to fight a pre-teen.

1% with the 12 year old

Don't tell SIL, nothing good will come out.

Talk to your DS about this shit. Wherever this hobby of his comes from, it has to stop.

I can't believe a 17 year old would be playing fighting with his 12 year old cousin. That's a massive age gap. How many years has this play fighting gone on? If since your DS was small it could be a case of years of bullying/abuse and your DS snapped.

However, what your DS did is totally unacceptable as it resulted in a hospital visit and broken bones. I would be concerned that he used enough force to seriously injure an almost adult. I imagine the cousin is embarrassed about being the victim of a 12 year old. I would be concerned that there may be some sort of revenge in their next play fight so you need to put a stop to this now.

I'd probably be monitoring what hes watching on tik tok, but it sounds like a play fight that went too far. Definitely a big learning opportunity.

I remember that red rage of wanting to literally kill my brother on occasion when I was young though...

I dont necessarily think play fighting is a bad thing though, if done appropriately...

Careful you don’t crack a rib with that stretch.

hopefully that is a shock for them both,
they are stronger and more powerful than they think

Is your ds bigger and stronger than his cousin who is five years older ?

Tell your DS to speak up next time somebody is taunting him, rather than sticking his knee in the bully’s chest. Tell him in future, he only uses self defence if his own physical well being ..or his life is in danger. Not just because his feelings are hurt.
It’s a lesson to him but it has to be talked about. He has to learn how to defend himself properly so I would ask about professional lessons for him.

It’s a lesson to your DN also. He will now know that he has to watch how he conducts himself in future. Taunting is cowardly so let’s hope he has learned that lesson now, albeit the hard way. I’m sure he must be feeling embarrassed.

I think you don’t need to tell SIL anything really …unless she wants to talk about it, in which case you tell the truth.
I hope the two boys apologise to each other and move on from it quickly …maybe after a bit of time apart while it’s all so raw for them both.

It’s never done appropriately. Someone always goes too far,the risk of accidental injury isn’t worth it, someone always loses/gets embarrassed/gets frustrated, especially with a significant age difference of 5 years like in this case.

I think your DS was stupid and this has given him a much-needed shock. But I don't think he actually intended to harm his cousin to the extent he did - I imagine he just didn't think at all. He wanted to make him go "ow!". Lots of teenagers will intentionally try to hurt someone with their fists or their words because they are learning how to manage their emotions. He's had a good lesson in the possible consequences.

I don't think telling your SIL achieves anything at this point. But absolutely no more play fighting. It's not appropriate anymore especially with the age gap. And I think martial arts for your DS is a good shout.

It is concerning he chose to hurt him in this way. You need to be having conversations about what is acceptable, consider getting him into some form of martial arts because they will teach him to not do this. I would also strongly encourage you to be more strict with his on-line content. Do you monitor what he's watching? What child restrictions do you have in place?

Do not tell!

Absolute hyperbolic nonsense

It’s interesting that a lot of people are ignoring the fact that a 17 year old (almost a fully grown man as someone described the cousin) has been bullying a 12 year old child. I think both sides are at fault and both need to apologise. The physical violence is unacceptable but so is the bullying. The cousin should know better and should be called out on it. Same as the 12 year old. OP I’d be keeping a very close eye on their interactions as to be honest it doesn’t sound they are as friendly as you probably think.

I would not tell SIL but I would make DS apologise for hurting them and that would be the end of any rough housing.

I have boys with an age gap that is similar. We have to stop the playfighting, inevitably someone gets really annoyed and lashes out. The age gap for the playfighting is not working.

You need to be monitoring what he is watching.

I (F) used to wrestle with my brother and his friends as a kid. It’s very normal behaviour to wrestle. It’s clear to me that this was an accident - yes, he meant to hurt him, but he didn’t mean to HURT him. It’s typical kid behaviour to take your frustration out on someone physically but not “mean” to. It’s all part of growing up and learning to control yourself. I definitely second PP saying to get him into martial arts, and also to apologise to Dn and his family. I think he should confess that he was upset and took his frustration out during the wrestle, but never imagined he would hurt DN like that and he has thoroughly learned his lesson. I would be really positive and encouraging towards DS about him coming to you, that’s really brilliant! I wouldn’t punish him or act furious because he came clean and will apologise to those he hurt. How we repair things is the most important part of getting things wrong and it’s a great life lesson.

I really think both boys have been failed here.
I have boys, they have cousins and I have seen even a hint of this, nor would any of us tolerate it.
The 17 year old should not have been name calling, and the 12 year old should have been protected from this.

Have a good look at yourself in this because your son has been let down, so take responsibility.

Tell your son you let him down and he let himself down.
Absolutely do not allow this to occur again.
Talk to your son about his emotions and how he felt.
He can apologise for the consequences but I think you should be pissed off with yourself that it has come to this.
Talk to him how not controlling his emotions can have unintended consequences like this.

He acted in anger and understandable irritation and he needs to fully understand that this can end badly.

You need to tell SIL.

Seek support from his school etc. grounded until further notice.

your son literally committed GBH with intent.

Your son may not have realised the move could have caused such a nasty injury. However, by his own admission, he was angry at being teased, and deliberately set out to hurt his cousin. So yes, your son knew the move could hurt his cousin, just not to the extent it did. I don't see what you would be gaining by telling your SIL the truth. Did your son apologise to his cousin at the time? If he did, then leave it at that. If he didn't then he needs to apologise for hurting him. Going forward, you need a conversation with your son, regarding his behaviour. Yes, it may have been impulsive and he didn't think through the consequences. Yes, his cousin teased him, and being 17, he should have known better. Your son needs help in managing his emotions and what to do when those emotions become too much, and he feels he wants to lash out. Your son is 12, so those teenage hormones are beginning to whizz around his body, at certain points boys get a testosterone increase, which can effect their mood and emotions.

So the natural consequence here would be tighter parental control on what he's looking at online?

They always mess about, playfighting, wrestling etc and i’m forever telling them to pack it in before someone gets hurt.

And have they ever packed it in?

Has your son ever said that he doesn't like it & wants his cousin to stop?

Boys do wrestle and play rough however a 17 year old is far too old to ‘playing’ like this, and at 12 your Son should understand that serious damage is a consequence to trying to inflict what I assume he thought would be a minor injury.
House of boys here, very small age gap between the older ones and then 6 years between the middle one and youngest and we are very strict about ‘rough housing’ with each other because even the ones closer in age have big size/strength disparities and obviously the concern is with one being a lot younger/smaller serious damage can be a consequence.
Im sorry to say that you and your sister as adults have let the kids down and caused this, because this behaviour should have absolutely been stopped years ago.
I wouldn’t tell your SIL it was done on purpose but I would suggest to your son that he go and apologise.
When my oldest ones have forgotten about physically scrapping/wrestling I got them to read about the man who killer someone with one punch…. Actions have consequences, my 12 year old is stronger and taller than me, he could easily cause injury to a skinny 17 year old if provoked.