DS injured DN on purpose!! Tell SIL?

[Novemberfairy]

We were at SIL’s Sunday for a just a family get-together. DS (12) and his older cousin (17) are normally very close. They always mess about, playfighting, wrestling etc and i’m forever telling them to pack it in before someone gets hurt.

They were doing their usual roughhousing when DN suddenly screamed. Everyone assumed he’d landed funny or twisted something. He tried to play it down but was pale and holding his side. SIL took him to minor injuries later.

SIL messaged Sunday night saying DN has a shoulder sprain and two cracked ribs. I felt awful, but we all genuinely thought it was just a stupid accident from messing about.

Then DS came to me this afternoon. He confessed that he meant to hurt his cousin. Not to this extent but he admitted he’d been getting wound up because DN had been teasing him earlier about being small/immature. He said when they were wrestling he “used a move to hurt him a bit”. His words. He insisted he didn’t want to cause serious injury but he did act on purpose and intentionally made him suffer.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand he clearly acted impulsively and now feels dreadful. He’s 12, not a monster. But on the other hand he intentionally hurt someone and the outcome was really serious. SIL and DN think it was just a freak accident.

Do I tell SIL the truth? Do I make DS tell her himself? Or is it kinder to handle it privately since he didn’t understand the potential for real harm and is already feeling guilty?

Has it always been good natured play fighting? Given the 5yr age gap and the fact that DN (who is now 17) was teasing your DS about his size, has there actually
been bullying going on for years, DS hasn’t liked or been able to say anything (as he’s getting the message about how
lovely it is that the cousins get on well) and this was the last straw. Does your DS actually want to spend time with his cousin?

Op, there is a lot of specific information here. I would be asking for this thread to be deleted before it gets picked up by a journalist whilst you decide what to do

@HouseWithASeaView no they usually get along and I think it was just a one day thing.

17 v 12, someone was going to get hurt, weren’t they? I am surprised at myself, I’m zero tolerance for violence, but it sounds like macho pecking order establishing that you are in young male groups. I wonder how many times your DS has come off worst and this time he is big enough to fight back? They both need to learn how manage their testosterone rage and physical power. I’d not tell my sister in law but I’d get both of them into some sort of disciplinarian sport.

He didn't act impulsively though, did he?

He was wound up from earlier and used it as am opportunity to hide a deliberate act of malice.

I wouldn't tell SIL but I'd look seriously at it behind closed doors because it's quite a nasty thing to do and I think he's only told you as he knows it's wrong and it's a bit of a cry for help IMO or else he would have stayed quiet.

but it does sound like the older child was bullying the younger child.

Bit ridiculous of the older one to say the 12 yo was immature when he’s the one ‘wrestling’ with him . I wouldn’t tell your SIL but I’d be zero tolerance on this type of behaviour in future although in our house play fighting had stopped by much younger than 12 !

Then maybe time to stop that.

Like others have said, there's fault on both sides. Honestly, a 17yo is to all intents and purposes a full grown man. He should know better than to be rough-housing with a 12yo boy. There's not a MASSIVE age difference, but the maturity difference "should" be huge.
It sounds like both boys have got a shock. Your son in that he can actually do someone real damage if he puts his mind to it. And your nephew because now he'll know that if he teases and teases someone to breaking point, he might well come out on the rough end - even to someone smaller, and in his eyes, weaker.

I also agree with others that a martial arts club would be good for your son. They are super-strict on discipline, and using your strength appropriately. It would be good for him.

I think the degree of injury was accidental. Unless he knew what he was doing, ie he does a lot of boxing, he’s probably shocked himself he’s done such damage.

i would take him round his cousins house to apologise face to face with a box of chocolates bought out of his own pocket money. It would have to be a good apology too. You should consider maintaining their relationship for the future.

But then I’d say well done for being honest and apologising, be more careful in future.

I don’t know whether you should tell sil or not, but I feel a bit sorry for both boys, however your son is 12 wrestling a near adult, I don’t think that’s ok. At 17 he’s an adult size male. I feel a bit sorry for your ds, the adults around should have put a stop to this ages ago.

I find it hard understand why adults are watching this happen. What about when they were 10 and 15 or 8 and 13. No wonder your ds ‘did a move’ probably fed up of being beaten up.

Im
ao sick of women on here excusing their boys disturbing behaviour towards women. Every day there’s another thread making excuses. OP, your son behaved awfully and you need to do something. You should tell everyone involved so they can make an informed decision to stay away from
your revolting kid. He did it on purpose. Old enough to know better and you have no intention to do anything about it.

You should be monitoring that!

Bloomin' heck. Your 12 year old hurt a 17 year old almost adult male hard enough to break 2 ribs? That is a serious anger problem. I would be worried.

I honestly don’t know if I would tell SIL - you know how she would react. But your DS did intentionally hurt his cousin, he just didn’t realise how much he could have hurt him

I think that changes things a lot. It was basicaLly a “Hail Mary” move in a “I’ll show you who’s weak” fit. He had no actual first hand knowledge of how the move would work or if it would work, or the degree of damage it could cause. Or any of the risks associated with it.

Yes, he showed poor self control AND judgement but… he is 12!!

I’d probably stop him from watching those videos for a while. A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing as he has just found out.

Is he watching MMA because it sounds like he is from how you’ve described the move. He’s 12 not 2 and you are attempting to minimise what he did by saying the 17 y.o was teasing him. Mind you I think it’s pretty odd a 17 y.o would even entertain the idea of play fighting a 12 y.o. You need to have a very stern “I’m very disappointed in you”conversation and not tolerate any shit about teasing means it’s ok to break someone’s ribs

I would be disgusted if my child did this. That was a really nasty and dangerous thing to do especially as he is only 12. I would be seriously questioning what he is watching online and my parenting.

I’d make him fess up. It wasn’t in the moment he was worked up from earlier and planned to hurt them.

What happens when someone else winds him up. He knows mum will sweep it under the rug. Dangerous.

Also no more YouTube.

Not necessarily, awkward position, more force than necessary and inexperience and it can easily happen when copying fighting moves.

I think there are several things that need to happen here. Firstly tell him you really appreciate his honestly and owning up - that took some guts, he obviously really trusts you. I wouldn't break that by telling SIl as i don't think there's anything to gain, but there are several things he needs to agree.

Obviously the play fighting has to stop now, a get well soon card with an apology from DS and some treats for DN from you all.

You also really need to talk through with DS how he should have handed this situation. When his cousin was teasing him how could he have handled it differently? What could he have said, what should he have done.

The next thing is that whatever rubbish he is watching that has led to him knowing moves like this that can really hurt people need to stop. His internet use needs to be strictly monitored.

Finely it would be worth considering him taking up martial arts of some sort as others have said to help him with impulse control, defense and only using moves appropriately and safely.

I think 99% of the time play fighting one person gets wound up and takes it too far. He didnt mean to hospitalise him did he? I'd just ask him if he feels guilty would he like you to confess for him so he can apologise? It's more how you show him it needs to be handled.

I don’t think I would tell them that your son intentionally went in a bit harder. He was still play fighting and did not intend to cause this level of damage.

I would say that this kind of rough-housing is over. They are too old for it as it can now cause real consequences.

I would also get your son some counseling if you can to help him deal with his guilt and to help him learn to process his impulses.

I'd be extremely concerned about this OP. I'd be looking to get my child into therapy if they did something like this. That's really not normal and the fact he said he wanted to hurt him a bit shows it was premeditated and thought out.

ETA you should also be monitoring the content he's looking at online!

I agree with PPs who say 'playfighting' nearly always ends up going too far. I can also imagine a 12 year being so wound up by 'teasing' (basically taunting) that he goes too far.

I wouldn't tell my DSis but I'd ask for a bit of respect and thoughtfulness from both the kids. And maybe get a chess board?!