DS injured DN on purpose!! Tell SIL?

[Novemberfairy]

We were at SIL’s Sunday for a just a family get-together. DS (12) and his older cousin (17) are normally very close. They always mess about, playfighting, wrestling etc and i’m forever telling them to pack it in before someone gets hurt.

They were doing their usual roughhousing when DN suddenly screamed. Everyone assumed he’d landed funny or twisted something. He tried to play it down but was pale and holding his side. SIL took him to minor injuries later.

SIL messaged Sunday night saying DN has a shoulder sprain and two cracked ribs. I felt awful, but we all genuinely thought it was just a stupid accident from messing about.

Then DS came to me this afternoon. He confessed that he meant to hurt his cousin. Not to this extent but he admitted he’d been getting wound up because DN had been teasing him earlier about being small/immature. He said when they were wrestling he “used a move to hurt him a bit”. His words. He insisted he didn’t want to cause serious injury but he did act on purpose and intentionally made him suffer.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand he clearly acted impulsively and now feels dreadful. He’s 12, not a monster. But on the other hand he intentionally hurt someone and the outcome was really serious. SIL and DN think it was just a freak accident.

Do I tell SIL the truth? Do I make DS tell her himself? Or is it kinder to handle it privately since he didn’t understand the potential for real harm and is already feeling guilty?

they were both messing about. They are both as guilty as each other. Your son is now feeling very guilty which is a good thing as he’ll not do that again. I don’t believe he deliberately wanted to really hurt him and the nephew shouldn’t have been teasing him. All a bit of a mess. But luckily no one died.

Me neither how ridiculous and nothing would be gained by telling the truth here.
See this as the time to stop their crazy ehaviour for good.

Roughhousing is supposed to be very good for boys development. Perhaps they've both had plenty of development for now and both families need to insist that the only physical contact between the cousins from now on is a warm hug.

I think everybody who is at all interested or up for it should learn a martial art. Not only for the physical and self defence elements, but a good dojo will absolutely teach them discipline and when it's appropriate to use force or not.

Your DS fucked around and found out. It sounds like he feels awful and will hopefully have learnt his lesson.

Bloody hell. But DS has owned up and regrets it. No point in telling SIL it was deliberate. But do say that it's time the roughhousing stopped because the boys are too old and strong, and that you'd like all the parents concerned to stop it immediately if it starts.

They are 12 and 17, not 5 or 6. It's weird and definitely not normal at that age.

not sure I would tell SIL but there gotta be consequences, he hurt DM on purpose, broke his ribs, this isn't just a little oops. he is 12 - over the age of criminal responsibility. You don't seem to understand how serious this is. Does he have additional needs, any sort of learning difficulties?

Well he wanted to do a move that hurt him a bit but he obviously didn't mean for this outcome did he ? He's clearly not disturbed otherwise he wouldn't care so much.

There's a fair bit of rough housing in our family and every so often there is a moment where it takes a turn and you can see someone is annoyed. It doesn't mean anyone is a sociopath.

He meant to hurt his cousin and obviously that's wrong. He should apologise for taking it too far, maybe get him some chocolates or whatever but if everyone else is willing to drop it I'd move on.

Me too

Yes, i think it is unusual, i've certainly never allowed wrestling or any kind of 'roughhousing' because someone invariably always gets hurt... and being the smallest/youngest as a child, it was ALWAYS me.

Kids and Teens often don't know their own strength, at 12 he's probably surprised himself how much he did actually hurt his cousin by not realising how strong he is.. he'll be in puberty and starting to bulk more muscle.

I wouldn't tell SIL, but i would certainly ban wrestling.

I wouldn't say anything, it was an accident, as he didn't mean to cause his cousin so much harm.

...towards women?

I may have to go back and read the whole thread again.

I genuinely hope your SIL keeps her child away from DS. That is psychotic.

Agree with this.
Hopefully they have both had a fright and learned a lesson about provocation and keeping one’s cool.

Op it must have been much more than roughhousing to cause such injuries, why has this ever been allowed to continue?

I would be organising counselling and anger management strategies.
He needs to write a letter of apology and a gift for DN. there needs to be an agreement that no physical contact will take place ever again.

I wish people would just write 'nephew'. I also had to reread to check if DN means niece or nephew.

I felt that referring to DN as 'he' throughout the first and subsequent posts was a bit of a giveaway.

The first paragraph doesn't have any pronouns.

Does everything need to be spelled out for you?

The first para doesn't refer to DN either. It's just 'cousin'. The second para makes it clear.

So, actually, there's nothing to go on either way in the first.

It's a very clever trick to lure you onto the second para, and then you're hooked.

Hooked, but fully informed.

Cousin is a gender neutral term. Nephew would have been clear.

You clearly do need everything spelled out to you, how tedious.

I think there are awfully big things being made of this by some people. Maybe those who didn't grow up with brothers. It is, imo, perfectly normal for children in "play" fights to cause enough temporary pain to win the fight. That's kind of the point of that kind of "play".

Your son mistook his own strength and caused actual damage. He's very embarrassed and ashamed about it. He confessed to you and I think that shows real maturity and is where it should end.

No, no! I know it's gender neutral! I was just enthralled by the suspense, the giddy anticipation between the first and second paras.

I guess that the PP who was berating us for excusing violence against women just didn't make it that far. I expect the excitement was too much.

I probably wouldn’t say anything. The 17 year old is almost an adult and said hurtful things to your 12 year old.

I do think it’s a bit odd for a 17 year old to be play fighting with a 12 year old as there’s obviously a bit of a size difference. Maybe your ds felt threatened which is why he pulled out this move?

I think it’s time to say ‘no more play fighting’ now bones have been broken?

I suggest you get out more, it really wasn't that exciting. And preferring plain English isn't a crime.

Good news that he feels awful and told you about it. That says a lot about his character. Perhaps his cousin is keeping quiet about it, perhaps he doesn’t realise your son knew what would happen…etc. No more play fighting from now on and as others have suggested, martial arts is a great idea. And as @Seriestwo says, someone was bound to get hurt.

What’s a 17 year old doing play fighting with a 12 year old anyway? I can only imagine an immature 12 year old kid reacting in anger to an almost adult man picking on him. Punish your son of course, but keep him well away from your nephew who provoked him for kicks(and had it backfire on himself). No need to say anything to SIL, handle it at home.

I think this is a red flag - him watching content on how to hurt people. It’s great he’s open with you - I am wondering if he needs some professional help. I know my son had late puberty and was small for his age for many years - it’s difficult when you are small and boys around you filled with testerone surgers are looking like men.

Does your son feel vulnerable? Does he feel angry at being small? Is he being bullied at school? It’s prob normal to feel like hurting someone who is picking on you - but actually hurting them is crossing a barrier. There is a fine line because 12 year olds don’t know everything and do push boundaries … but he might need some professional guidance on how to deal with his anger and to make sure he does not push this type of boundary. It’s not that easy to crack ribs.