DS injured DN on purpose!! Tell SIL?

[Novemberfairy]

We were at SIL’s Sunday for a just a family get-together. DS (12) and his older cousin (17) are normally very close. They always mess about, playfighting, wrestling etc and i’m forever telling them to pack it in before someone gets hurt.

They were doing their usual roughhousing when DN suddenly screamed. Everyone assumed he’d landed funny or twisted something. He tried to play it down but was pale and holding his side. SIL took him to minor injuries later.

SIL messaged Sunday night saying DN has a shoulder sprain and two cracked ribs. I felt awful, but we all genuinely thought it was just a stupid accident from messing about.

Then DS came to me this afternoon. He confessed that he meant to hurt his cousin. Not to this extent but he admitted he’d been getting wound up because DN had been teasing him earlier about being small/immature. He said when they were wrestling he “used a move to hurt him a bit”. His words. He insisted he didn’t want to cause serious injury but he did act on purpose and intentionally made him suffer.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand he clearly acted impulsively and now feels dreadful. He’s 12, not a monster. But on the other hand he intentionally hurt someone and the outcome was really serious. SIL and DN think it was just a freak accident.

Do I tell SIL the truth? Do I make DS tell her himself? Or is it kinder to handle it privately since he didn’t understand the potential for real harm and is already feeling guilty?

I cannot see any benefit of telling SIL but that is seriously disturbing behaviour and I would be very concerned. What safeguarding are you putting in place moving forward? So he doesn’t end up arrested for assault?

I think I would leave it but make it very clear to them both they are too old for that kind of daftness.

Any play fighting stops now with this incident. Hands off each other. He apologises to the cousin for hurting him. Then you leave it there.

A 12 year old boy injured a 17 year old boy? What was "the move" he used and where did he learn it?

since he didn’t understand the potential for real harm and is already feeling guilty?

He's 12, not 2. Of course he understood he could potentially really harm him.

I don't really know what you should do for the best, but you definitely need to accept he knew that harm could happen.

Does your child do karate or similar? To have learned 'moves, to hurt someone a bit'?

When he said “used a move”-does he do martial arts of some sort? Because I can’t really visualise how it happened……

I'm thinking WWE

‘Play’ fighting has to be off the cards from here on in. I would make him apologise to his cousin face to face as well.

He used a move to hurt him a bit, and intentionally made his cousin suffer, but you're saying he didn't understand the potential for harm?

Tell your nephew. It's his choice if he wants to continue have having contact with your son or not.

It takes a lot of force to crack ribs, if your niece or sister in law decide to report this to the police that could potentially lead to ABH or GBH. He’s 12, unless he has significant additonal needs he understood what he was doing.

What will he do when someone else gets on his nerves? He needs support to change his behaviour.

I’d come down on DS like a ton of bricks but probably wouldn’t say anything to SIL. DN is significantly older so should know better than to get into rough play that goes too far.

I’d be going nuclear at any hint of rough housing in the future. Complete ban from now on. To be honest I’m not sure why you and your SIL have allowed it go this far.

The “move” he said to me was that he pulled his arm down and then at another point kneed him in the chest.

I think this needs to be brought out into the open with family present. There's fault on both sides.

Your son deliberately hurt someone badly. N could have gotten a pneumothorax from those broken ribs and as it is, he's in pain. Apologies are necessary.

N needs to stop taunting your son about his size. The bullying is done. He needs to apologize to for winding your son up until he snapped. FAFO.

From now on, hands to themselves. No roughhousing, no fighting, nothing.

A 12 yr old did that to a 17yr old and the 17yr old didn't say anything?

Does your son do any type of fighting club that would give him a massive advantage with a boy 5 years his senior? Or did he just try something random/something he saw /heard about and hoped for the best?

The 17 year old will know that it was done on purpose, but he may be keeping quiet out of embarrassment, I doubt they will carry on wrestling together now.

Did your son apologise at the time?

he didn’t understand the potential for real harm

That is not true because

he “used a move to hurt him a bit”. His words. He insisted he didn’t want to cause serious injury but he did act on purpose and intentionally made him suffer

You have to tell your sister in law and nephew. He deliberately wanted to hurt him and he did!!

@Onemorestepalongtheroad Is it that unusual for cousins play-fight though? Obviously I won’t allow it again but is it that weird?

@sandyhappypeople yes he did and pretended it was accidental. We believed it at the time.

I'd actually enroll your son in a (good, trustworthy) martial arts group or boxing club.

I know this may sound an insane reaction, but hear me out!

He will learn (if the teachers are good) what's appropriate and what isn't, and how to manage his strength. At the moment he clearly doesn't know, as he intended to hurt his cousin a bit (and that's genuinely not unusual between cousins and subs - my brother once punched me as hard as he could in the arm, and he is a lovely lovely person) but ended up hospitalising him! (Kinda). He needs to learn discipline.

I (female) used to get into playfights in school and hurt others just because I was wild and didn't know what I was doing. My dad enrolled me on a karate group, and they taught me physical discipline and how to contain and control my strength and scrappiness. And plus the opportunity to train hard and fight in competitions took the edge off my excessive energy, and was a healthy way to work out anger.

Hope this makes sense, I am not sure if I have expressed it too well.

I don't think your son is a monster, but I do think he needs a bit of guidance. Good luck! X

I would leave it but I would also make sure it was the end of any play fighting (or even actual fighting) between them.

I would not be furious with the 12 year old because he trusted you enough to come and tell you the truth. His conscience was obviously troubling him so he does have empathy. This could be a one off. He has surprised himself and is sorry about the consequences. He has explained that he wanted to prove that he wasn't 'small'. The older child should not have been teasing him. So hopefully they can both learn from this.

I would tell him that I was glad he came to me and was honest enough to own up. What he did was wrong and he must never, ever attempt to hurt someone again. All playfighting has to stop.

We all make errors of judgement. I would not tell SIL because I don't know how that will make the situation any better.

@GagMeWithASpoon No he doesn’t but he looks at this type of content on YouTube and TikTok.

Also I second karate or other martial arts type of defence class. The prominent word being 'defence'. The first thing my karate instructor taught me was to run away if I could. Avoid fighting at all costs (except in competitions). Then you build from there. It's great exercise and will give him appropriate skills for life. Cut out the youtube videos which are just choreographed violence.

I agree with this.