To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

Yes, I do agree.

Did you go and do the group therapy with women’s aid after you left your husband? You frankly have not picked up all the red flags from this new relationship that had you done the freedom programme or equivalent that you would have and you also have not picked up ALL the issues that this man brings with him. For instance who thinks it’s acceptable to have an hour long bath using someone else’s clearly expensive bath products?!?! NOT contributing to electricity or anything else but spending a good half the week at someone else’s house and using their electricity/gas/food/products - this ALL adds up!!! You are allowing him to walk all over you and he will be much better off than you even with the reduced salary because he will be doing the long bath etc at your house and not at his therefore saving himself electricity costs and by charging his car up elsewhere it costs NOTHING in most places!!! So the whole “car costs” are literally pence driving to your house! He is using you and taking advantage of your kindness and also your vulnerability!!!

you have left one abusive relationship and replaced it with another type of abusive relationship!!!

PLEASE contact women’s aid or your local domestic abuse charity that does the 10 week group meetings that teach you what donating abuse is!! They also highly recommend NOT getting into a relationship until you’ve not only done this course but also other courses and had therapy and left it a good year or so after your divorce!!! For a VERY good reason in that you are vulnerable and men like this and your ex will recognise this and walk all over you

He gets his electricity for his car for FREE!!!! I bet he also goes and charges it at places where it’s provided free more than he charges it at home too! It will literally be pence when you work it out over the month that he actually pays for staying with you and he will he saving a good half of his bills because he’s staying at your house and not contributing!! Who does that!!!!😳😳😳

Yep, think of it as every pound you spend on DP, you are taking away from your and your dc's comfort.

Free? Do you think public chargers are free?

Maybe she means charging at OP's is free for him?

I have to mull over this. I do want what I have with him - but it would be nice if he were less transactional/tight with money, and more proactive about reciprocity with gifts etc.

So the only miles I don't share the cost of are for him to come to mine and to do local trips (i.e a few miles within town to drop my son off to a playdate or go get groceries). If we go on a driving holiday, I pay half the costs of the charging.

Do you enjoy spending every weekend with him or would you prefer some just with your DC and catching up with friends?

Do you invite him - or does he just announce he’s coming?

The reason i ask is that it is lovely to “host” visitors. But this tends to be a one-off and at your invitation and choice of convenient date. Who decided he would be in your home every single weekend and - most importantly - is that what you and DC want?

With his adult kids, we only exchange Christmas gifts - they sometimes pool together and get my DC and Me one gift and sometimes separate ones. I can't do that as there are three of them + partners so it is atleast 3 couple gifts. We don't exchange gifts for birthdays.

My gifts (gig tickets, boots etc) cost several times what his do, but I don't care as much about the cost of the gifts as long as there is thoughtfulness and consideration with his gifts to me. There used to be i.e. he'd see I needed a butter dish and get me a nice one. But there is less of that now.

Your ex sounds dire!

No no, he doesn't charge his car at mine. Pays for public chargers which are more expensive than when he charges at his place.

We fell into this pattern over time. Initially I wanted a day with just my DC and me on the weekend, but my DC is also very fond of him and my DP has become much more integrated into my friends circle and my son's circle too, so we now spend every weekend at mine. We very much enjoy having him around every weekend. The issue is (only) how we split costs.

I was fire fighting after my relationship with my ex. I did get therapy but didn't do this program. I see the point you are making but there are many aspects to a relationship and cost sharing is just one of them. Having been in a toxic relationship, I find it hard to frame using my expensive bath products as abuse. But it does all add up. And, I do need to have some conversations on this and see how those go.

There is a lot of insight in your post.

You are right, I don't know how to frame this conversation I need to have with him, and it might be that I fear upsetting the apple cart on what I currently see as a happy relationship (albeit with this one cost-sharing issue).

I don't monitor my spending too closely - because I don't really have a head for numbers, but I've always lived within my means, and I am conscious of saving too (book things well in advance to get the best prices etc). I put money into ISAs for my son and me, and also into pensions.

And, maybe there is some underlying sense of inadequacy fueling the generosity (and also reluctance to have the conversation). But is reciprocity a bad thing? Appreciating others hospitality and being generous with treating them etc?

I am not competitive around gifting but I do feel people should be made to feel special on their birthdays. I also feel that if I have the money to buy myself something nice why shouldn't I also do that for someone I love.

So, my DP has a rental two bedroom and he has a flat mate, and I have my DS with me most of the time (his dad lives overseas and has him part of the holidays but not during term time), so no I rarely go to stay with him.

For me it isn't the cost of the gift as such but just some sense of symmetry. For various reasons (we were out camping) this year I didn't get even a cake or a card or a meal out on my birthday (the backpack arrived before we left). He did take me on a nice walk, and I cheered up, but in general I did get very upset about that and I made a point of it. Even a pair of earrings from the craft market he thought I might like would have been nice.

So when you got upset, he took you on a nice walk, but did he then actually get you a card or present, or even a slice of cake after that?

Your partner is living in a flat-share but has still made a conscious decision to cut down at work.

I would be concerned he is planning to move in with you. Before he broaches this, id fully think through the financial implications for you and your son.

I dont think there is anything wrong having a “tab” when you are not married and both have separate children. But i worry he wants you to subsidise/provide a lifestyle. If im wrong, he will not react negatively to an open discussion about finances.

Not at the time (some months ago) but since I've (half-jokingly) made an issue of it over the months, a few weeks ago he bought an Apple watch off his son for £50 (he had upgraded) and gave it to me in exchange for my Fitbit (which he uses). He couldn't use the Apple watch as he doesn't have an iphone. He did say that this was going to be my birthday gift. Does this count???

This just gets worse! You need to set some clear expectations around thoughtful gifts to you. He really does sound like he is using you and enjoys been a weekend cocklodger

I don't think he's planning that, no, atleast not in that scheming way. He would like a house with a garage/garden and is happy to drive out to it, while I live in a maisonette in a nice part of town close to all the amenities. I cycle/walk everywhere and that's the way I'd like it to stay. And, we haven't seriously discussed it. But, yes, if we do move in, we will absolutely need to have a proper discussion,and I will get proper advice.

He lost his job (company moved countries), and had trouble finding another, so has decided to take a pay cut and do something more rewarding. Not quite a conscious decision to cut down work.

OP - Your boyfriend is a total tightwad but worst of all he is mean of spirit. He spends every weekend with your son, Christmas and holidays and yet he makes your son a card for his birthday. He knows your son's interests, hobbies etc. Mean of spirit.

He spends generous amounts of money on his adult children - lets you do the same for his 3 children but gets your son a charity shop board game and you get a book of home made service vouchers (bet he made you pay for he cost of materials too!). It's such a shoddy way to treat a child in your life.

You keep saying he is transactional, if so, why didn't he refuse the boots, the gig tickets, meal out etc. Why didn't he say -no this is too much, return them, we agreed no gifts. Of course he didn't because he benefits from your generosity and your low bar setting. He is exploiting your inability to raise the tropic

Where is the thought? Where is the wanting to do something nice for someone you love? Where is the spontaneity? It's not even about the money. The trouble with tightwads is that they see every penny pinched as a win and it becomes the be all and end all for them. They will never love you more than the inbuilt calculator clicking in their favour.

Up thread, you say that if you asked him to pay half of the beach rental - he wouldn't come. What sort of relationship is that? What is the win for him - being with his love, only if she's paying for it. Rather than offering to pay a fair share to a single mother, he would sooner not go. What does that tell you?

So he is not emotionally abusive, it doesn't make his behaviour okay. Divert some of the money this relationship is costing you into some more therapy - look into installing some boundaries for you and your son. You don't have to settle.

I was afraid this wouldn't go down well with this crowd :). It felt off to me too but didn't want to say anything because it is an apple watch after all. Even though, I am not very techy and use it only to tell the time 😂

Ask him to split rental of trip 50/50th offer him the money for half the car charge and drink wine with a friend before you go or say you forgot to bring it. He’s being really selfish Watch this closely it’s a red flag and not an indication of a good man as he’s lightly selfish and inconsiderate with other things. He’s ripping you off always Everything you pay for or towards him he’s happily taking knowing you are on your own with a child to support. He’s taking the piss he pays car insurance and running costs for the car anyway stop paying to host him every weekend it probably costs less than £40 to drive to you and home again don’t offer the take out anymore ask him to pick it up on his way if he wants it. I wouldn’t invite him anymore go to his sometimes get a train your also cleaning probably waiting on him he’s showering heating ect running costs for house are much more than the car! I really get a sense that you are being used.

That was a swap. Not a gift.

Someone asked earlier how you knew he had his eye on those expensive boots.