To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. I have had niggles about the things you've raised too, especially with respect to my child. But, on the flip side, he found a second hand table tennis table someone he knew wasn't using, took the time to dismantle it and bring it across and my son and his friends absolutely love it and spend hours on it. So it isn't lack of thought and care, it is just not spending money :( And, when I have these niggles, I feel bad because of the time/effort/care taken on things like the table tennis table, and wonder if I'm being mean to judge him just on the money thing.

:( how sad.

I think we saw a stall with products from that company at a festival we went to, and he told me he loves that company for its quality (also local to where he comes from).

FFS - he’s changing you. This is absolutely no way to live. What next, how much toilet roll you’re each using?

Has he been burned in the past? Where’s this stinginess coming from? Sounds like he needs therapy. He’s going to turn you into a tight wad too if you’re not careful.

You sound really nice and I'm glad you can see the funny side but I think you urgently need to have that conversion with him. I'm not grabby at all when it comes to gifts but love giving people nice gifts. I do t care how much they spend on me but I do like it when some thought has gone into it. My birthday is just after Xmas so there is never anything I want for my birthday but my DP will always cook a nice 3 course meal or take me out, put together a bundle of things I like (chocolates, stationary etc) then buy me my main gift if I see something on holiday over the summer etc.

He always gets my DD9 gifts (including an easter egg, asvent calendar etc).

Please increase your expectations. Is he buying you a Christmas present?

It's not the not spending money that's an issue. I'm frugal myself. But I don't take advantage of others to benefit myself.

My DH enjoys a particular type of food which I find over priced. I wouldn't buy it for myself but I buy it for him because it makes him happy.

He is actively acting to short change you, which all the second tables in the world can't fix.

And in my experience, people likr this get worse with age, not better.

I couldn't be a tightwad if I tried, too late for me 😅. Not sure where his stinginess is coming from, but I know his ex-wife is extremely thrifty, and he was the 'big spender' in that relationship. But it was also very fair - she was a SAHM, he was the primary bread winner, they had one account and they shared everything. And, the split was very fair to her (it is very amicable and we are pleasant to each other too).

40 minutes (not miles, people!) costs pence. My partner lives 45 mins away - that’s 13 miles. I drive to his a couple of times a week, to work, round locally and I top up my car with c. £45 of fuel a month.

Sorry OP I was giving him the benefit of the doubt earlier but this isn’t good. And please let me re-stress that those savings and pensions of his will be worth a lot. Likely a lot more than your current income divide.

I will go on a limb here, but it's likely that in his defence he will say that he spends time/effort/care on you and your son. Indeed, this is what you yourself say in your last update to excuse his approach.
But surely, you also spend time/effort/care on him, as well as his adult DCs, partners and the grandchild.
The difference here is that he is being compensated financially (shall I go as far as say "paid") by you for showing time/effort/care.

You play him at his own game. Anything you buy for both of you to consume goes on the shared tab, just like he does. He sounds horrible.

OP, this is a sad thread.
It drips with your utter desperation to excuse the meanest of men who is half living off you.
You are 100% paying to have a boyfriend.
He targeted you when you were very vulnerable and you have been paying for him ever since.

Your priority should be your child, not 4 years of spoiling a lmean loser user.
There is no way any decent man uses a single parent the way he does you.
He absolutely plans on moving in rent free at some point.
You will probably bend yourself out of shape to excuse that too.

You deserve so much better.
So does your child.
In a decent, healthy, normal relationship, we don't pay to be with someone.
You are in effect paying for him, no matter what you tell yourself.

Its very sad to read.

My apologies - i made an assumption there that wasnt fair. If he lost his job and struggled to get an equivalent, that is wholly different than deciding to wind down whilst in a flatshare.

I do agree with others re the beach rental. If hes only there (at Christmas?) with you if its a freebie, is he not better spending Christmas with his kids? It sounds like you did similar last year too. Then next year you can make a conscious plan together. You planning and paying for everything and him tagging along for the ride like a child home from uni isnt a good dynamic to get into. And time alone as a woman is magical (and not something you’ll often get as a single mum with the Dad abroad).

And by the way, I will include your DS, who also shows time/effort/care when he thinks of your DP for gifts for example. He is young but you've clearly raised him by example.

Your DP sounds lovely and thoughtful! My DP did say he had something in mind for Christmas. I've decided to scale down though after my and my DC's birthday and previous Christmas experience.

Sorry if I’ve missed this. What actually is the joint tab? An excel spreadsheet that you can both access and update in real time?

Have you jumped from your ex to this relationship? I’m wondering if your ex being the way he was is making you feel grateful for anything better. Half the population of single guys will be better than your ex, it doesn’t mean you have to accept incompatibility just because he’s otherwise nice.

Money and showing love is a huge part of life. Think very carefully what this transactional relationship is doing to your life. Is that what you want?

So some online bank accounts will allow you to have a running shared tab with another account holder, so you put expenses you incur on your card on that tab and it will ping the other person that your half-share is x,yz.

If it is a cost you would incur anyway - the rental or his car - that does not count towards what you do together.

Otherwise, you need to be able to have a clear conversation about finances and come to an agreement. Too many couples are reluctant or inhibited about discussing money but it should be a basic discussion and reviewed on an ongoing basis.

Its kind of weird that its often harder to talk about money than sex.

Agree you scale it down and also clarify with him about gifts for DC's, is he buying your DS something etc. You need plan when your going to talk to him about how to make things fairer ( although I'm firmly in the camp of LTB and quite annoyed on your behalf). You could even ask chatgpt how to raise this with him

To answer your question, I met my DP three months after the relationship with my ex ended, and with therapy and support (including from DP, and good friends) I have grown stronger through these last years. I did very much feel grateful for my DP, given my ex, especially initially, but there are lots of good things in the relationship too. I do have to have a conversation with my DP.

Part of my problem is that I'm reluctant to raise issues. I used to with my exH, and he would gaslight me, yell, scream, deflect etc, so every situation got immeasurably worse once I raised an issue. Makes me nervous to raise an issue - I've worked on that, and have gotten more comfortable raising things with my DP (because he is usually receptive), but this money thing I have added cringe-issues raising.

It is interesting you should say that, because we have talked about sex but not so much about money...! And, he was receptive and we sorted it out. Let's see if that is also the case with money...

Yes, I do want to check about DC. I was a bit miffed on my DC's behalf that he hadn't gotten him a gift. He did ferry him and his friends to bowling etc on the day, so he is there doing acts of service, so feels churlish to make a point of a gift. But perhaps I need to expect more, as all of you have been saying!

You desperately need to look at therapy to help build self esteem and self respect.
You sadly haven't a scrap of either the way you continually pay for this man to spend time with you.

You could be in therapy several times a week for what you pay for him to live off you at the weekends.
This would be a great long term investment in you.

Have you given any thought to what you are modelling to your child?
Would you like a daughter/son thinking yours is what constitutes a normal healthy relationship?

One party mean as possible, the other half spending money hand over fist?

My teens, and children in their 20's know yours is not a healthy dynamic.

Get into therapy, before this loser is living with you.

You went from one abusive relationship into another.
This is financial abuse of you, you just don't realise it.
That you feel so uncomfortable bringing it up is a huge red flag.
Therapy could really help you.

Again, you deserve better than this.
Do it for your child if not yourself.

Yes, time alone is magical, that's why he was only ever invited to join me for the second week. I actually thought he might be with his kids from Christmas which is why I didn't even think to plan this together from the start. But, we do need to discuss this trip properly too. On the weekend when he's back at mine!

A bit harsh to me and my DP, but therapy and perspective is much needed, I agree! My child doesn't know how the money is split/paid for etc. And, he appreciates the time my DP spends with him playing/mathing etc, and he sees us having a giggle and doing things together, so not too worried (yet) on the role modeling score.