To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

No, I was kidding about gagging for it! I did get swept away initially, but notwithstanding this one very glaring mismatch (red flag) he is generous and kind in other ways, and he's made a big effort with my son, who adores him. I do have to weigh everything up in the balance. This is also ultimately solvable - we just split everything clinically - not the way I'd like to do it, but it would resolve the disparity.

If you are splitting costs of the holiday then if one of you outlays the cost of actually going then the other does the cost while your there but if you split whilst you are there then you should also split the cost of going
For the day to day cost I don't see why it matters who pays for what but if you both insist then everything gets split 50/50 apart from the car as he uses it most I would suggest you pay for maybe 20% percent but realistically I don't think you should pay anything for the car as that is his responsibility

We don't live together or have joint accounts, and when we leave it unclear, I end up paying a lot more is how it has panned out, hence the need to be clear and split. I don't like it, but that seems to be the only way it won't lead to resentment.

Well, we will be here if you need us to toughen up your spine, or to hold your hand if it goes badly! Being able to assert yourself about money in a relationship is important, same as any other kind of self-assertion. It's about fairness. It's also about generosity and thoughtfulness as you've noticed, which involves more than just money though money can be part of it. Talking to him about money and expecting (at least!) fairness doesn't make you selfish or unkind or "transactional".

You need fairness first and foremost. Without that he's a definite dump! You do also need generosity from him - less clear cut but something to keep in mind before you make any commitments.

So if you don't live together you don't really have any day-to-day joint expenses (or at least that's how I see it) so strictly speaking when you are spending time together split straight down the middle 50/50 in my opinion

how do you bring this up? 'Dave, you're tighter than a gnats arse and you need to get your hand in your pocket, pronto'

Come on @whyohwhyisitalwayswet, he's taking advantage of you most of the time and for the rest... well what a totally joyless relationship that your partner keeps tabs on every penny he thinks you owe....

Call me old fashioned but absolutely fucking not would I be paying for a man to come to my house to drink wine and eat takeaway when the only contribution that man was making is getting in his car. I’d sack off the man and use that money on my child.

I do too. I am exactly the same as you. But just be clear and concise.

I know I sound like a broken record..... but you seem quite vulnerable, and I would strongly urge you to work through all this with an experienced counsellor.

As it is, you will continue to second-guess yourself, give him the benefit of the doubt, and let him trample all over your (weak) boundaries.

In practical terms, make sure that...:

• you don't let him take advantage of your ingrained generosity
• he doesn't become a cocklodger
• you don't end up as his nurse with a purse

And always remember: you need to look after number one (and your children...) - because no one else will. At the end of the day it really is up to you,

I could NOT be living like this with anyone. What a tiring and tit for tat way to be with someone. How have you not got the ick??

He had no qualms asking you to split everything, so split the villa, food etc etc and all the expenses associated with him staying with you. He’s saying you’re not taking into account his car expenses, he’s not taking into consideration your household expenses.

Right? I can barely believe this. Especially with the beach house example. So OP paid for the house, for the food, for the wine, and then he went and put a couple of croissants on a 'shared tab'? A few quid?

That would have made me see red, and I would have kicked him out then and there. Brass neck, it's an asshol-ey behaviour, I wouldn't do that to anyone, partner, friend, relative, acquaintance, anyone. If someone would be so generous as to invite me to their beach house (rented or whatever), I'd definitely bring nice food for everyone/take them to dinner/pay for takeaways and wine at least.

Splitting expenses is fine; I do that too with the man I'm seeing (also don't live together). Similar situation: I don't drive, he does; I have a child, he doesn't. Yet he doesn't bill me for his petrol, mot or insurance, and the other expenses are split fairly. There weren't any deep conversations about money because he's not a stingy arsehole, but if any convos like that were needed, I'd go bluntly and straight to the point.

The thing is - he knows he has been getting a good deal financially from you and hasn't done anything to remedy that. So it isn't about him being scrupulously fair - it is about him being happy for you to subsidise him.

That is what I think you need to reflect upon.

Stop buying wine and takeout. If he wants that he can bring it or buy it.

How gave you not got the massive ick from this?

He's a tight sponging get and that is soooo unnatractive..

I'm not being sexist, I just think the penny pinching, parsimonious, tightarsed calculated accounting underpinning every pleasurable thing, to make sure you carry most of the financial burden and he always profits is so fucking grim. Yuck!!

I'd have no problem with a man or woman being treated generously by a partner who had more money or whatever but this, this is the ick on steroids.

How anyone has the audacity to balance the cost of their own cad against you buying food, wine, etc.

Just no..

If you refuse to bun him off over this then you need to have a fairly brutal convo about his icky pennypinching and sponging off your generosity and how it has to stop.

And stop bloody paying for everything. Put everything on a shared tab, whatever that is..

I think youre being shafted.

When you treat he doesnt offer his half.

He never treats.

40 mins of petrol (which is probs about 15 miles) doesnt equate 2/3 days for food and wine. Thats before the takeaway thats probably £30.

And hes trying to pin insurance and car servicing on you - for a car he uses much more for his commitments? Is he taking into account the cost of running your home - is he going to contribute halvsies for your gas electricity and water for half the week too i.e. a quarter of each bill, his half of the half of the week hes there?

I think its awful that everything he does for you has a cost, its one thing to split dinner bills, and a take away cost but to drink your wine, eat your food, let you pay the take away and say well I pay to get myself here for the free buffet.

And should it matter - a petrol or diesel car is 13 - 18p per mile on average. 40 min drive suggests hes 15 - 20 miles away at most. So worst case scenario its costing him £3.60 to drive to yours.

An electric car costs about 2p - 8p per mile to charge. So could actually cost him as little as 40p to get to yours if hes charging the car off peak.

Yes, I agree with all of you, I have been feeling like a mug, hence the need for a brutal conversation. It will be had over the weekend, and I will report back. I also need to make some changes: curb my generosity (and cringe factor relating to account keeping) and scale down my gifts.

Let us know how you get on. If hes worth having around he will apologise and work on a fairer solution going forward

Theres nothing wrong with your generous nature its just a need to balance it woth boundaries. Givers need boundaries because takers dont have any. Best of luck

Omg op he started the tab thing so you need to like ok yes don’t see it as treating him treat it as you both pay your own way you should not have to pay for the weekend just because he drove to you. He is tight and that’s probably why he has savings and pension only be generous with the people who do it back. See him as a partner who wants you to go halves when your at the rental he pays half of the food and drink he never treats you so you don’t owe him also you do have a kid to support so your not wealthy are you. Mirror him honestly don’t think about it. I would do this and every little thing would be on the shared tab. He’s not going to change and don’t move in with him ever.

I’m cringing along with you as I find it equally hard to talk about money. I also have to have a money conversation with a close family member that I help out regularly, as she is over generous with friends, and one in particular who comes with her child, brings a single bottle of wine but then stays for the whole weekend eating and drinking and taking showers.
I think I’ll buy the book first.

I think it's time for you to put things onto the joint 'tab' and don't hesitate. If he queries it then that will be a very reasonable thing to have the 'conversation' which has been so long coming that you are rattled and resentful. I would be resentful too in your shoes.

I can’t believe you are intimate with this man. He is no better than a troll on a bridge.

OP - I replied up thread when I called him a tightwad and said he treated your son appallingly. You constantly state that you struggle to discuss finances and are unsure how to open the conversation. Would you consider showing him this thread? You have only been factual about how what he pays for and in the latter pages when posters are calling him all sorts you defend him, praising his other traits. Perhaps reading other posters reactions may open his eyes and give you a stronger footing.

Do NOT show him this thread!!!

I think it would be great if op showed him the thread!

We have said everything that he needs to hear