To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

but he has no problem letting this unequal situation go on and on

I think you need to ask yourself why you only made a point "half-jokingly". Why couldn't you make it seriously?
And I agree with pp that the watch was a swap, not a gift, and that this man's behaviour around money sounds worse the longer the thread goes on.

I guess coz I don't want to upset the apple cart, and I still struggle to feel entitled to being treated better? And, I do care for him, and am always looking for other explanations (than the ones being offered here!). I must take responsibility for that.

And, while it is sad to have my niggles confirmed, it is I guess good to get perspective that this isn't normal behavior around money (and not just us having clashing approaches/cultures around money)

I think this is why people recommend breaks between relationships. Jumping from one serious relationship to another creates issues. You’re projecting past issues with your ex onto your current relationship.

Healthy relationships include open and safe communication. Generosity, equality, kindness. Not analysing the last penny spend and feeling afraid to mention something in case it upsets him. He’s applying ridiculous rules to the relationship inconsistently. Of course you have a problem with it.

If nothing else, I hope this thread has made you trust your instincts and see that if you feel there’s an issue, there’s an issue. It’s not in your head.

So 3 months after your toxic relationship ended, you went straight into another relationship. You didn’t take any time to reflect, work on your boundaries, understand your own needs, learn how to spot red flags and just enjoy taking time for yourself and your DS without a man? You were still at an extremely vulnerable stage and it’s very unlikely you were in a good place for making healthy choices regarding putting boundaries in place.

Are you scared of being alone? Because not only did you seemingly rush into a new relationship barely pausing for breath, you seem to be making numerous excuses to justify this man’s behaviour.

No!! A gift should be something you like, bought because you like it, with you in mind. Not something he's swapped with you for an item of yours. Not something he can't use himself so has passed on. A gift doesn't have to be expensive. But these are cheap things in all senses of the word.

Yes, I think ideally there would have been a break between relationships. I have struggled with projection, and still do, but am getting better. Generosity, equality and kindness - absolutely. But my not raising issues is on me. His not being proactive about addressing (and even seeing) the unfairness is on him. Yes, and this thread has definitely helped give me perspective and confidence. It is honestly MN at its best, so thank you all! I will talk to him on the weekend and report back.

All true, probably :( I am not scared of being alone (I felt alone for much of my marriage), but I was gagging for it as I was in a sexless relationship and the sex was spectacular 😂And, he is a very kind man, funny, positive, happy, helpful, so I did fall in love after - not my plan or expected.

And seriously, I did take my time introducing my DS into the mix though, and I was and still am very protective of my time with him. We take holidays just him and me. And, have not seriously considered living together because of of my time with DS.

OP, you don’t bring it up. You get rid of him and go enjoy your life.

I would love some cool company in my villa (it's just an apartment but villa sounds much fancier!). Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this. And, to read it to your DH. Good to have a male perspective too!

thanks for the outrage on my behalf :)

I worry about this. I don't want to squash myself down to meet him where he is at on money/generosity/gifts as it wouldn't be me. Thank you for your kind words.

I haven't finished reading the thread yet, but this is a brilliant post!

He doesn't charge at OP's

Yes, she said that after my post.

You just need to compartmentalise with him and charge everything to the joint tab. You can continue to be generous to your dc and to those who are generous to you.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet - if there are two practical things I hope you will take away from this thread it is these:

• make a list of the main issues and concerns raised, reflect on them, and then discuss them with your therapist.
• make a promise to yourself that henceforth you will prioritise your own best interests and those of your son.

You wouldn’t be squashing yourself down. You can still be generous but with limits. It’s the difference between knowing who is worthy of your generosity, and who is not. This man is not. In fact your generosity is papering over some serious cracks. You describe happy times with your son and your friends but it isn’t happy at all, it’s a covert contract of exploitation and silence. You both know what’s going on, and you also know on some level this relationship depends on you continuing to over function and stay silent.

Women with a history of abuse often feel they have to prove they’re nice, and interpret having boundaries as being mean. That’s not a failing on your part. It’s a survival skill that develops when you have to appease unsafe men. And when your ex met you, vulnerable and fresh out of an abusive relationship he’d have spotted it immediately.

A previous poster has said this is financial abuse and I agree. Financial abuse is not about sums of money. It’s about entitlement, control and exploitation. Unless this conversation results in a sincere apology and immediate changes you should consider ending it. I agree with a pp who had concerns about him planning to move into your house.

A couple of further thoughts- in defence of the OP taking up with her current partner so quickly after the breakdown of her marriage, I did the same. At the time I kept telling myself it was too soon, but I went through an awful divorce & having my DP was a godsend.
on the gifting front, some people are not good at choosing gifts. My DP always wants an exact list of what is wanted ( same for his kids.) I was/am dismayed by this, but I have learned to accept it. So I don’t think this guy will ever come swooping in with a little box containing the perfect diamond earrings, bracelet, etc, that will delight you. Not in his DNA. On the other hand, giving you his son’s sweaty second hand Apple Watch is a big No, and he should be called up on that.

I do think OP, sorry me of the things you are defending him with as examples of him being lovely are fairly standard and not standout lovely.

Like the table tennis table - after 4 years together I can't imagine any normal person not bagging and transporting a free table tennis table for the kids he regularly sees and cares about. It's nice enough thing to do, but the gift comes from the person giving it away - its not (to me) an amazing act of selfless service by your DP to bung it in the car.

Your gratitude for the watch swap and the fact you didn't roar with laughter, thinking it was a joke when he suggested it was your gift. Did you want a second hand apple watch?

I'm not materialistic either but he's beyond thrifty and out the other side of tight, despite being able to spend the cash well enough when he was married previously.

It does sound like your perspectives on 'normal' are a bit off, understandable after a horrible time with your ex. But it may be worth speaking to someone about.

This is about you knowing you can expect nice things, you can demand a fair financial deal and you don't have to buy anyone's love.

So do you feel you’ve compromised and are ignoring the red flags regarding his tightfisted attitude to money because you’re enjoying having a great sex life and company after a dead marriage?

Or speaking up that he wants you to pay half

Op, just because he says this is what is going to happen eg. We will split this and you will pay for this because I drove does not mean that that is what will happen. You can either say 'no, I don't think that's fair because I paid for x' or you can say 'I would like to think about that and come back to you because I'm not sure it's quite right'. If you are waiting for him to come up trumps and suddenly be generous and thoughtful, you will die waiting. So either you knock this relationship on the head or you say to him very clearly 'If I am covering the entire holiday rental, I expect you to cover the entire food and drink bill while you are visiting, otherwise it isn't fair.' You can also say eg. ' I will not be taking the wineI bought. You can buy wine because I have paid for the rental.

Be clear and direct. He may not like it but that kind of shows that he is knowingly taking advantage of your generosity.

There is a bit of that going on - he isn't good with gifts. I might have to just agree a budget with him and insist he follow through both for my son and me. It is an odd way to do this, but better than getting sweaty second hand watches I didn't ask for, and my kid getting board games from a charity shop!

Yup - I'm going to have to be clear and direct. I'm traveling for work, and will only see him over the weekend. Will have a discussion then. Have to brace myself - hate talking money!