I got all dressed up and DH called me Mr Bean. AIBU to be upset !?

[Christmaspuddingpinky]

I work in a role that usually requires quite casual dress, but on certain occasions I’m required to attend formal meetings.
Today I woke up super early, before the children, washed and blow-dried my hair, put on a full face of makeup, and wore a dress. I actually felt really good for a change.

I went downstairs and was greeted by my DH, who said, “You look like Mr Bean.”
I replied, “I feel really nice today—why would you say that?”
He answered, “You just look like Mr Bean when he’s all dressed up in his jacket and suit. I’m only joking, for goodness’ sake.”

I can’t understand why he couldn’t simply say that I looked nice. I’m not a supermodel, but I made an effort and felt good. I’ve worked hard to shed weight after the babies and slowly feel good again . His comment felt unkind to me. I always acknowledge it when DH makes an effort; I wouldn’t make a silly remark knowing he was feeling good about himself.

I know would like more sex . We have had two small people but when he makes me feel like this, why would I want to?
He always says he’s “only joking” and that I’m too serious, but his comment really felt unkind. Maybe he doesn’t fancy me (which is fine), maybe it was a joke, or maybe it was a put-down.

AIBU to be annoyed, or am I just wasting my time?

DH is a good dad, does a lot of housework, and is generous with money—we share all finances, and he earns a lot more. I mostly feel loved, but I occasionally get frustrated by his “jokes.”

It was unkind, he needs to acknowledge that.

And the first thing that came into his head was to make a nasty dig at her appearance? I'm wondering, do you have one of those husbands? He'll have trained you to minimise his rotten behaviour ~ men, eh, what are they like?

Apparently harmless (and generally unfunny) “jokes” in this vein are a classic negging technique, employed by some/certain men through the ages, to make a woman feel unsure of herself and “keep her in her place,” as the worst types still doubtless say when they think they can get away it.

I’m not saying your husband’s the worst type, OP, the majority of men aren’t in my experience, but it’s definitely a tactic of the insecure man who feels threatened by his partner’s independence, attractiveness, perceived power or whatever, that’s designed to put her on the back foot.

Ignore it for now and have a good day, but I’d definitely talk to him about it another time and explain why he should be better than that.

“Maybe he doesn’t fancy me (which is fine)”

Is it though?

Jokes only 'work' if they get an audience. In the face of his (seriously unfunny) jibe, you could just dissect it in a cold manner when you get home tonight; something along the lines of 'well, despite you comparing me earlier to an ugly socially awkward man, I felt fabulous all day and had an excellent day at work. Jokes must have two things: wit and some degree of truth, yours my dear had neither.'

This wouldn't bother me one bit, me and DP always joke about what each others wearing and don't take it to heart. He called me a traffic cone the other day when I wore an orange dress and said at least people will see me from afar and I found it hilarious 😂

Assuming it's not just straightforward "negging", his explanation makes it seem like he wanted to make the point that you were dressed in more formal business attire when he's used to seeing you in casual clothes even for work? It might be a somewhat logical association from a casual acquaintance who's never seen you dressed for a professional meeting, not from your husband who presumably sees you dressed that way periodically and likely knew you had a big meeting this morning.

I think you are taking it the wrong way. He means you are going from normal clothes to this posh persona. He was just being silly.

In what universe is Mr Bean posh? 😂

He lives in a bedsit for Goodness’ sake 😂

Only you know how much it hurts you, and if he is always been a joker.
The fact it hurt might mean there are underlying issues you need to address.

Unless you were wearing a brown/tweed suit jacket he was being an arse.

I think many men would still like a "housewife" someone who waits on them hangs on their every word ,is "there" all the time .Of course such a person doesnt exist any more (if they ever did!) Seeing you dressed up ,going out to work and earning money makes him feel threatened .So he retorts to some silly throwaway comment to make himself feel better.Ignore ,Ignore,Ignore .As for more sex that sounds like every bloke that ever lived!

and then again, if someone is looking self-concious, commenting on that isn’t likely to be at all helpful.
unless you’ve got a genuinely helpful suggestion re someone’s appearance which can be conveyed in a supportive manner, then if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything.

What is your relationship like in general?
it seems to me that he meant the clothes not you personally.
Even so its a bit out of order when he knows you are off out. Most decent people would say you look nice.

I think you’ve had a sense of humour failure, OP!

I don't understand the generosity comment.
He earns more than you but you share (equally??) the bills and that makes him generous?

Yes he does do the same with men he knows. I also am hugely confident to pick him up on all/any of it so he doesn't get away with it! Just to be clear: I am not condoning it at all!

Except the OP says she mostly feels loved and he is a good husband and father. So what's more likely: he's suddenly decided to become a bully and undermine her confidence or he just made a stupid nonsensical joke?

I've never heard anyone say men don't know any better as an excuse, that must be the people you mix with. I certainly don't excuse any one, however I had a bil who absolutely opened his mouth and put his foot in it. In every other way he was lovely.

Op describes her dh as generous and hands on and she mostly feels loved.
In his case manipulative and sly seem unlikely but op knows him best.

This.

God, what an utter wanker he is. I don't think I could ever have sex with him again. How hurtful of him.

Look up "negging" OP & then start counting all the ways he does this to you.

I'm pretty sure the "Mr Bean" comment wont be a one off.

I agree it sounds like he is trying to put you back in your place. What is he usually like? Are there loads of these ‘jokes’ or is he normally a nice person?

OP, there's a few things going on here I feel. You say that you feel mostly loved and that he's a good husband and father. You also say he's unhappy with the lack of sex and then say who would be in the mood when he makes jokes like this. You say it's fine if he doesn't fancy you.

In a healthy marriage, I don't think it should be "fine" for you and your husband not to find each other attractive. I understand why you wouldn't be feeling amorous after this made a joke that upset you, but you don't say whether this is something that happens all the time. It seems to me like he made a stupid joke without intending to hurt you, the kind of joke that you either brush off or laugh at if things are good but are hurt by if things are maybe not so great.

How is your marriage really? It seems like there might be more beneath the surface.

Yes, I agree completely, and by no means was I condoning the comment. I think this kind of humour is unkind, as I believe I said in the post.