How to prevent grandparents from smacking our child

[Newparent101]

Sorry for the long post, seeking your wise advice!

My partner's dad (aged 70) uses smacking as a way to "teach", which I'm totally against. My partner, however, thinks I'm being unreasonable and that smacking is an effective way to discipline. I just don't agree.

We have our first baby, who's 4 months old. My nieces are 7 and 3, and the grandfather smacks them to "teach" them when they've done something wrong. My sister in law told him she doesn't want him to smack her kids - the grandfather (her father-in-law) stopped speaking to her for a year. Now they have made up, but he smacks her girls again.

I want to find a way to prevent it from ever happening in the first place, and have already told my partner that if his dad (or he) smacks our child I'll immediately take our child away and she won't be seeing her grandfather again.

But of course I want to prevent this ever happening in the first place. I suspect my father-in-law won't listen to me if I state this boundary (given he ignored my sister-in-law for a year and now smacks her girls again). My partner refuses to "lay down the law" with his dad. What's more complicated is his parents don't speak English (they're german) and my german isn't very good.

Anyone have any advice on how to make sure this doesn't happen well ahead of time? Would really like to prevent being in situation where I need to keep our daughter away from him, and also want to ensure that first "smack" never happens. My partner says it's up to me to speak to his dad, but I know his dad won't listen to me. But also struggling to get my partner to acknowledge just how damaging smacking can be (he's also defensive, since of course he was smacked by his dad as a child). My partner and I have had numerous conversations about it already but I can't seem to get through to him.

Removed cross post

Agree. DH’e too scared to of his own father to defend his DC from the same abuse. He needs to work on this before you go spend time there.

He needs to be the father in the situation. He needs to find the power in himself to tell his DF “no” and stand by it. If he can’t do this you can’t go.

Personally it's about morals more so for me. I wouldn't stay with them on principle and you're also setting your boundary that for as long as he believes in harming children then you will not be staying around them regardless of your child's age.

Someone has to put their foot down with this man. You could invite him to yours and say smacking is not allowed in your house.

It's easy to say not to see him again/allow your child to be with him but reality isn't that straightforward but I would definitely be controlling the situation as much as I can.

Honestly don’t put yourself through it. Keep a firm boundary for your daughter, some solidarity for SIL and do something you enjoy. We had several years at dreadful PIL with a SIL whose MH issues dictated everything. You can’t get the time back.

Make your partner set the boundary. Ideally he needs to say why.

Someone that foul does not deserve extended time with GC. I wouldn’t go no contact, but keep it short so DD is with you ALL the time.

'Do you agree that DC won't be harmed by FIL at the young age of 6 months? '

You expect the forum to promise you that we can predict and control FIL's behaviour? If your DH has a problem with revisiting his childhood as you set a boundary to his father perhaps it's needed, long overdue and it is for him to deal with. You look after yiur daughter.