How to prevent grandparents from smacking our child

[Newparent101]

Sorry for the long post, seeking your wise advice!

My partner's dad (aged 70) uses smacking as a way to "teach", which I'm totally against. My partner, however, thinks I'm being unreasonable and that smacking is an effective way to discipline. I just don't agree.

We have our first baby, who's 4 months old. My nieces are 7 and 3, and the grandfather smacks them to "teach" them when they've done something wrong. My sister in law told him she doesn't want him to smack her kids - the grandfather (her father-in-law) stopped speaking to her for a year. Now they have made up, but he smacks her girls again.

I want to find a way to prevent it from ever happening in the first place, and have already told my partner that if his dad (or he) smacks our child I'll immediately take our child away and she won't be seeing her grandfather again.

But of course I want to prevent this ever happening in the first place. I suspect my father-in-law won't listen to me if I state this boundary (given he ignored my sister-in-law for a year and now smacks her girls again). My partner refuses to "lay down the law" with his dad. What's more complicated is his parents don't speak English (they're german) and my german isn't very good.

Anyone have any advice on how to make sure this doesn't happen well ahead of time? Would really like to prevent being in situation where I need to keep our daughter away from him, and also want to ensure that first "smack" never happens. My partner says it's up to me to speak to his dad, but I know his dad won't listen to me. But also struggling to get my partner to acknowledge just how damaging smacking can be (he's also defensive, since of course he was smacked by his dad as a child). My partner and I have had numerous conversations about it already but I can't seem to get through to him.

If you smack my child you’ll never see my child again. It’s up to your partner if he wants to see his parents just wouldn’t allow my child to go with him.

You learn how to say in German “if you ever raise a hand to my child you will never fucking see them again.” And you punch his lights out the second it happens.
And I’d be telling my weak as balls “partner” that my child will never be with his father without you present.

Never leave the child alone with GP.
I would remove myself and my child if it happend once.
It's your partner's job to say this to his father but lacking this I would tell him no. Of course he understand basic English.

I'd just say it's illegal in the UK. If he researches otherwise then I'd say he obviously understands English enough to listen to you saying it's not acceptable.

Tell your DH it's not the dark ages anymore and old age isn't an excuse for an adult to assault a child. If he's too much of a wet blanket to advocate for his child then they'll not be seeing his dad. End of.

Look at the thread about smacking children 70s /80s.
Sorry don't know how to link.
The Gf would be told straight his antiquated ideas are not fucking welcome and fuck him off if he sulks and put your dh straight that nobody smack your children.

You tell him firmly that if he ever lays a hand on your child then you will remove the child and he will never see them again.

If I were you I’d be concerned though that you’ve given your baby a father that doesn’t want to protect them from harm. What kind of a parent doesn’t want to make an effort to prevent their child being abused? I’d be utterly disgusted with him and ashamed of myself for allowing such a man to father my child. I honestly can’t understand why any woman would think such a man is an appropriate person to have a child with. He literally gives no fucks if a grown man hurts your child.

Here in Scotland all forms of physical punishment of a child are illegal, thank goodness.
I would certainly never let this man be alone with my child.

Tell your husband his father will not be seeing your child without you there and that won’t even be happening until he tells his father that he is not to ever lay a finger on your child.
Also tell your husband that you will contact social services and the police if his father so much as lays a single finger on your child.
Print out or email your husband the legal implications so he knows you are serious.

He snacks a 3 year old? And he hasn't seen them for a year because of the smacking, so was smacking a two year old?

I don't think you are going to be able to leave your child alone with this man. And by alone I mean without you because it doesn't look like you can rely on your dp either, sadly.

My nieces are 7 and 3, and the grandfather smacks them to "teach" them when they've done something wrong. My sister in law told him she doesn't want him to smack her kids - the grandfather (her father-in-law) stopped speaking to her for a year. Now they have made up, but he smacks her girls again.

What's more complicated is his parents don't speak English (they're german) and my german isn't very good.

If you genuinely believe that she in danger and you CAN'T protect her and her father WON'T protect her, then don't let your daughter see her paternal grandfather - not just "not alone", but not at all.

My partner refuses to "lay down the law" with his dad.

OK, so then the baby doesn't see your partner's dad, full stop. If her parents won't protect her, who will?

Are they British?

Please never ever leave your child alone with this putrid power freak horrible abusive man

Also report him to social services and the police for physically assaulting these defenceless children , infuriates me 😡😡

Also is your dp scared of his father? Because why is it up to you to speak to him?
I'm so angry on your behalf.

Btw my DD's bf is German and against at smacking so it's not necessarily a cultural thing.

Even if it was, you have the ultimate say over what happens to your child so it's no excuse.

You never allow him unsupervised time with your child. If you see a situation where he might feel like he could step in and use his assault as discipline, you will be there first to be a parent and handle the situation.

if he ever hits your child, you leave and don’t go back.

I wouldn't have had a kid with someone who thinks smacking kids is ok, but I realise it's a bit late for that.

I honestly would refuse to have my kid around him, how dare he? And how dare your weak, spineless partner not stand up for his own child?

Thinking more about it, tell your dp that if his father even threatens to touch your child, you're leaving him. And mean it.

Let him do what he sees fit with that information.

Also I think it's a double sided issue as you said your DH also believes it's "okay"? Obviously it's not, and it raises issues about what his conduct will be around your child growing up?

Can you join a parenting class together or give him some articles regarding it? Essentially a hit child is a scared child. The only thing it'll teach them is fear, and that's not a lesson anyone needs (as I'm sure you're well aware).

Frankly I'd also throw out the notion that a grown man "smacking young girls" is giving peadophile vibes 😒 I get that it's probably unlikely he is... But it basically doesn't reflect at all well. And I'd actually probably say that to him.

I'll never forget seeing a "respectable" German speaking couple (briefly) smacking their one year old as he sat in his high chair in a posh Alpine ski hotel and presumably did something they thought naughty (throw his food?) I remember thinking this is obviously considered normal. I thought it was shocking. This was thirteen years ago.
Could you reframe to your partner that it is not smacking it is hitting. And he is much larger than a little child. What would he think of someone hitting him or hitting his child? How would that make him feel? Or hitting you ?

What happened when he was a child was charitably a cultural norm and maybe still is in his parents' circle . But times have changed. It isn't acceptable now.

My husband is German and grew up in the 70s and his parents never smacked their children nor did he ever smack ours. But I can see that in some circles perhaps it was considered normal ?

This.

There are 4 billion men on the planet. Why get involved with this toxic family in the first place??

Never leave your child alone with them, ever.

Honestly my mama bear would be unleashed - I would smack him if he smacked any child in my presence. How dare he hurt little girls 😡

This, but it’s too late now. Splitting up will sometimes leave the child alone with Dad’s abusive family.

No unsupervised time alone for him and your dd.

Very clear in the OP that they're not

Try reading the thread 🙄