How to prevent grandparents from smacking our child

[Newparent101]

Sorry for the long post, seeking your wise advice!

My partner's dad (aged 70) uses smacking as a way to "teach", which I'm totally against. My partner, however, thinks I'm being unreasonable and that smacking is an effective way to discipline. I just don't agree.

We have our first baby, who's 4 months old. My nieces are 7 and 3, and the grandfather smacks them to "teach" them when they've done something wrong. My sister in law told him she doesn't want him to smack her kids - the grandfather (her father-in-law) stopped speaking to her for a year. Now they have made up, but he smacks her girls again.

I want to find a way to prevent it from ever happening in the first place, and have already told my partner that if his dad (or he) smacks our child I'll immediately take our child away and she won't be seeing her grandfather again.

But of course I want to prevent this ever happening in the first place. I suspect my father-in-law won't listen to me if I state this boundary (given he ignored my sister-in-law for a year and now smacks her girls again). My partner refuses to "lay down the law" with his dad. What's more complicated is his parents don't speak English (they're german) and my german isn't very good.

Anyone have any advice on how to make sure this doesn't happen well ahead of time? Would really like to prevent being in situation where I need to keep our daughter away from him, and also want to ensure that first "smack" never happens. My partner says it's up to me to speak to his dad, but I know his dad won't listen to me. But also struggling to get my partner to acknowledge just how damaging smacking can be (he's also defensive, since of course he was smacked by his dad as a child). My partner and I have had numerous conversations about it already but I can't seem to get through to him.

It will happen as he does it with other children and his son, your partner, isn't strongly against it. So in that case he will never be alone with my child, ever. If he asks why, you say you don't want child smacked.

I think there is an option C - never let your child be alone with GF and be very clear from get go your child will not be smacked by anyone. Any hint and they will not see your child.

It does sound as if there's a bit of family conditioning that's gone on that they tip toe around or placate GF. That's a longer one to unravel.

I would say that just because your partners been smacked and conditioned to think it's not that bad doesn't mean he will continue it on. I was smacked as a child (1980s/90s was pretty common) I have never raised a hand to my children. Having my own children made me realise just how bad it is.
I did raise it with my parents and they apologised said it was the only discipline they knew. They have never and would never smack my children but I also made that boundary clear.

This.

He’d get a smack he wouldn’t get up from.

True, we stay with them for max 10 days at a time so I could just never leave our daughter out of my sight and try to intercept each time the grandfather does to "discipline" (hit) her.

Hadn't really worried about DH hitting because I just can't picture him ever hitting anyone - it's more I get the impression he's terrified to criticise his dad. Agree if he ever did hit her that would be a much much bigger problem, but yeah should really pin him down about whether he actually is against hitting (and is afraid to criticise his dad) as I'm presuming, or if he really thinks it would be ok to hit and doesn't want to admit it out loud

If somebody used violence towards my child, I’d call the police

I’m not sure that’s correct. You can report a safeguarding concern regarding violence to towards children regardless of who has done it. If my child told a teacher that I had hit them, that would be reported. If a teacher actually witnessed me hit my child, that would definitely be reported.

It’s also illegal in Germany to hit a child and socially unacceptable so him being German is no excuse.

Given that the GF lives in another country he is not your problem your DH is. If he genuinely sees no issue with smacking tiny children and your baby grows up to be a challenging toddler, and kids really are difficult at times I fear he would resort to hitting them, and let’s face it smacking is a nice way to write hitting isn’t it? How are you going to keep your child safe from their father, stay together and watch them like a hawk, split up and not be there to intervene during his custody time, what a nightmare I think counselling for your DH may be necessary. Also never agree to move to Germany, to be close to his family, quite frankly the further you are away from that man the better.

Good idea about the counselling!

Hoping it never happens of course, but if DH was violent towards our daughter and so we split up, I'd be able to find a way to get sole custody/ensure he can't look after her unsupervised, because of the history of abuse, right? Or does it just not work that way in reality?

Ask your DH what he’d think and do if his father smacked you to teach you a lesson. Presumably, he’d be horrified. Why’s a child any different? Children are more vulnerable.

Tell him he needs to get explicit agreement from his father that he won’t be violent to your child. But I still wouldn’t leave my child alone with him, as he clearly has no respect for his grandchildren or their parents.

If he won’t talk to you, it’s his problem.

In my experience even the most awful and abusive dad get contact with their children, if they can be bothered that is, and often they’ll persue contact to get back at their ex for daring to break up with them.

I would let him (your partner) know that if his father hits your child you will be calling the police. It’s abuse and you will not allow.

It's worrying you're actually thinking this through? Absolutely great you're on board it might be an option... But worrying no the less. I'd also be worried in case it turned into a "stripping of cultural roots" issue. Highly unlikely! But mad things do happen!

You just need to sit DH down and say look physical admonishment is not going to happen in this household. We have a new baby, and I'm telling you from the off this will not be acceptable for our child. I understand that you experienced it.

However, times have changed. It's not acceptable, and we will not be doing that as parents. Regardless of your childhood. It's not an option in 2025, and we will not be raising our child that way. Then that's end of. His response will literally tell you all you need to know.

@Newparent101 id ask your husband that does he understand you will not tolerate HIM ever raising a hand against your child.. hopefully he’ll act shocked and explain he would never do that.. then ask him to confirm how you will discipline together without violence..

smacking sounds.. light. It softens the act itself. Just a little smack…it’s an act of violence.

you’d never do that to another adult to get your point across so why is it acceptable towards a child who’s only understanding will be the adult they are meant to trust and turn to can’t be trusted and might hurt them.

if you can get husband to agree to no smacking in your family unit.. move onto why you feel no one else should be able to discipline your child with violence either. And that he has to be on board or you will feel he can’t be trusted to stick to this agreement and protect his daughter or stand up for her.

can you imagine giving his DF a smack if he did something you deemed naughty? Elbows on table in a restaurant? Give him a little smack. Didn’t say thank you or please. Another smack. What’s good for the goose and all that…

stop saying smacking. Use more violent language and see how he feels.

maybe look at counselling for his daddy issues as well.

Your partner needs to stand on Buisness and start getting comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. If I’ve said don’t spank my child and you do it we’re going to have issues

I’ve never trusted my father in law, who was along these lines with my husband. That’s despite my husband clearly laying it on the line and saying if he so much as touches them he’s out of their lives.

So they weren’t ever left to my in laws to look after, my parents did it all. Shame because my MiL is lovely.

Be there at all times and unleash hell if he so much as looks at them, your Sil should do the same.

If I saw him doing that to a child of fuckin smack him and see how he like it. What a fucking psycho.

I was actually quite worried about the same thing, because I know full well that my partner's parents used smacking as discipline.

My Child was the first grandchild, and thankfully they are entirely different with him. Seems they have softened with age, and they are actually too soft now and scared of any form of discipline, which shocks my partner who was grew up with a pretty strict/angry mother especially.

Unfortunately you already have proof that this isn't the case.

For me, I was fully prepared to escalate if things happened, but I would presume good intent.

That meant that

First, I'd discuss it, and give them a chance without restrictions (discussions were translated messages, due to the language barrier)
If they did do something, then I'd progress to no alone-time with them
If they still did something when I was there, then no-contact.

I understand the argument for not risking it, and not giving them a chance. That would depend on whether you think the grandparent has any capability of changing at all.

This. This one 👆

Tell them in no uncertain terms that the first day they smack your child will be the last time they see your child.

Does your partner plan on smacking your child.

Look around for some good parenting of toddler classes. They are often offered by schools and give options and ideas for discipline instead of the old fashioned smack.

You and your partner will witness your child being naughty, nasty, telling lies, hitting others, breaking things etc. and having some solutions to discuss and trial will be less confronting.

These tools will encourage and enable your husband to not repeat how he was smacked. Many, many people were smacked but most have migrated to gentler forms of child control..

Never leave your children alone with FIL.
He has no desire to change. He is of a different era.

Keep your kids away from that child abuser. My mother was an abuser too. Regularly smacked myself and siblings. She was never left alone with any of my DC. My nephew was regularly babysat by her (my sister valued her nights out more than her kids) and was regularly hit. Ended up in hospital once after sustaining an injury trying to dodge her.

Just go completely no contact.

I would refuse to have anything to do with him. I couldn’t run the risk. You will be walking on eggshells waiting for the moment when this happens.

Maybe by refusing to see fil, he will offer complete reassurance thar he will never lay a hand on your child. I am not sure I would believe him.

Your dp is very weak and cowardly. I would worry he quietly agrees with his father, there is a lack of conviction on his part.

Your fil is an abuser that uses physical violence and the silent treatment as a way to control others.

Those poor children being openly physically and mentally abused in plain sight is truly awful op.

It’s simple then to enforce a no smacking (hitting) rule by only seeing the grandparents in Germany or Spain because you have the law on your side. Hitting a child has been illegal in German since 2000. That’s a whole generation of kids, who should have been brought up violence free. And since 2007 in Spain, where those kids will now be adults too.

You can then tell your dp those are your terms for allowing contact with your child. And it’s not for you to talk to his dad. That’s his job because they’re his parents otherwise you will refuse any and all contact, supervised or otherwise.

You’ve just got to maintain that boundary fiercely to be the stronger voice to your dp. It’s illegal in those two countries and if his father lays a finger on your child, you personally will report him. No ifs. No buts. He’s scared of his dad by the sound of it. Show him a way to stand up to him.

I would leave the first conversation here and stuck record that conversation then walk away. And go at it again another day when he starts arguing again. This time so he gets the gravity of the situation you could tell him you know the law now and you are in your rights to report any violence you see to the police if you witness the grandfather laying a finger on the cousins again. Tell him if no one else cares enough about vulnerable children, you do. And enough to take the risk that it may rupture the relationship with his parents.

I would also put the boundary (not the bit about reporting the cousins) in an email to your dp (and keep that email safe) in case you split up as evidence that right now he cannot keep his children safe around his parents. Refusing to allow him to take your dc abroad to see his parents as minors may possibly be seen as spiteful by the courts.

The way to elicit change is to maintain a cast iron boundary that makes it harder to argue with you so that it is easier for him to enforce a boundary with his dad.

Well I wouldn’t have had a child or married someone who would let his parents smack his child as a starter but we are where we are.

do not leave your child unattended with this man. Lay the law down. First sign then the in laws are cut out.