Fiance smashed my phone

[PinkLady365]

Hello

I am expecting a flaming but here goes.
I have a baby daughter. I live it the house my fiance bought with his ex. I moved in with him after we had dated for sometime. We always said he wanted to sell his house and for us to buy somewhere together. That was the plan. But as I look around there are so many unfinished big projects. He said he doesn't have the time to complete. He said I need to do more housework whilst on maternity leave so he isn't doing much in evenings and so can do this. I was puzzled as he does some housework in evenings, as do I, but he isn't picking up my slack. Also, it's maternity leave. Not housework leave.
Anyway, I have started doing lots of housework while trying to entertain a baby and I try and take my dog and baby out on walks to save a job later on (ie walking dog). But I have found that despite this, he will still relax after his work. Yes he is spending time with us as a family but not finishing major projects. Ie half painted rooms, ripped up toilet flooring, leaks never fixed, etc.

I have offered to pay for a handyman or decorator to fix these jobs but he refuses my money and I don't want to go ahead and book these jobs as I'm not on his title deeds.
Also, my little girls nursery is the room his ex girlfriend used to learn to pole dance. I feel uncomfortable about this and hate it. He said I'm unreasonable and I'm the only one who thinks this way. He never told me this, I snooped on her social media and recognised the room.

Anyway, it all came to head today as I stood on a nail head in the little bathroom (also flooring up!) And it ripped another hole in yet another pair of socks and went ballistic.
I started texting him and arguing saying I had enough. Telling to chose between me or the house. To get off his arse fix all projects etc. He then tells me he doesn't finish projects as I do f all around the house whilst on maternity leave. I listed everything I had done. He dismissed it. He then dismissed me saying I walk my dog and little girl together to save a job. He said I have only done this twice. I then listed all the dates as I checked all photo dates on my phone. He then started shouting. clesrly as i proved him wrong. Telling me im austic as i get fixated on tiny details. I shouted back. I told him he only has time for the things he wants to do and not house projects. He then told me he I was an abuser. I did stop him walking away from me many a times but I saw red. He then shouted in my face after tenth time i pulled him back and I just said to him "I'm not scared of a fat angry bastard like you". He then looked around and grabbed my phone and repeatedly threw it to the ground until it was smashed to bits. I now cannot use it as the screen has come off, literally.
He said to be together I need to change my ways but I have been pretty shaken. I have looked at hotels in area but don't want to leave my dog with him. I don't know what to do. He said he broke my phone due to his "years of abuse".
Did I cause this?

Maternity leave is a full time job.
My ft job is bloody easier and I manage a department!
Women with your mindset expect and accept the bare minimum.

You need to separate. Both of you have behaved unacceptably. Neither of you are able to work amicably to find a solution, and both want to constantly blame and rage at eachother instead of working together.
This isn't a relationship, it's two people who care more about being angry and feeling in control than working together and supporting eachother.

I can read, thanks. You said you walk your dog sometimes….

“Go for walk after with baby and me or sometimes with my dog if I have no group”

I’m struggling to get my head around how you can’t even manage to give your poor dog a quick walk during the day yet are so furious with your DP for working a full time job and not doing DIY on top in the evenings after work that you resort to violence.

He doesn’t listen to you or respect you and it’s lead to toxic behaviour from both of you. It’s not going to change, he’s not going to suddenly start prioritising your wishes.

When i have my baby i prefer to drive ten minss down the road as the pavements in town are very narrow and not enough room for a pram and big dog. When I don't walk dog during day, I walk her in evenings. I said sometimes I take her with me and baby. I don't do this if me and baby are out at a playgroup then I don't go home and back out again. I go out later with just my dog and dad spends time with daughter. I don't see the issue here.as I said above, some women expect the bare minimum.

Wait i see how you've misunderstood. You read my 1st reply and then not 2nd. It's directly under it. Don't be lazy and read enough to fit your narrative.

She gets an extremely quick walk first thing in morning. A long walk in afternoon of early evening. Then an extremely long walk before bed. That alright????

Why on earth did you have a baby with a lazy man you don't like?

Don't call him a lazy man. His fan club will defend him.

You pulled him back but he's a man and could have pushed you off and just left the house, instead he decided to damage property. I mean this is a bad relationship that has started to become physical so it's time to end or start counselling and some anger management for both of you.

I'm sorry for being rude to posters above. My emotions are high at the moment and all I'm reading are attacks. I am ashamed of my behaviour. But I haven't been lazy during my maternity leave. I recovered and then have done housework while looking after baby, dog and going to groups. It isn't my job to do all housework or diy. Housework, in my opinion is split as working parent works ft and maternity leave parent is looking after baby. I don't have my feet up watching Netflix when she is napping.
I am sorry again. I am being rude my head is a bit fussy right now.

I'm sorry you've been living in a house in this condition without your partner addressing these serious issues. I honestly think that if he has been content to live with the house in this state for this length of time (with a pregnant women and then a baby living in it) that he's not going to come around to your way of thinking any time soon. If he saw the work as a priority he would make time to do it or he would hire someone to do it.

I think, for your own health and your baby's health, it would be best if you found somewhere else to live, and left him to live in his building-site house, because it seems as though you're practically a single parent anyway given his negative behaviours and lack of protective attitude towards you and the baby.

I genuinely hope things work out for you and your baby - you both deserve to be happy and safe.

The thing is, you’re on a mum’s website. Most of us have had mat leave looking after 1 baby. And you’ll look back at the time and think how easy it was. Mat leave with your first baby is the most relaxed time you will have over the next 18 years, particularly if you have more children.

Once you get back into full time work, juggling managing childcare, looking after your children in the mornings and evenings, preparing meals for everyone, making sure homework gets done, keeping pets fed and walked, organising house stuff, doing life admin etc etc etc, mat leave with 1 baby will seem like a holiday in comparison.

This is why PP’s are saying you could do a bit of DIY as mat leave with 1 baby isn’t actually all that stressful or time consuming.

Also, if it really is that bad, don’t you want to just get on and do a bit of it? To improve your own home life for you and your baby if nothing else? As it sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse with your DP. I understand the principal that you shouldn’t have to, but surely it gets to the point of it just needs to be done now so start doing it yourself?

I did want 2 children but can't see a way forward with this man for that. I love him I do but I have so much resentment right now. He keeps telling me to be happy and thankful I have a home and that's true but it isn't homely and I hate it now.
Last week I cleaned out a cupboard in the kitchen with all his stuff. I counted 32 water bottles. I told him he doesn't need all of those and to pick some to clear space. He refused as "I'm not a child don't tell me what to throw out". He keeps telling me to take initiative clean out cupboards, make space for my stuff but it's all his stuff and he won't throw away or move 🙄🙄

I have been incredibly rude above and I am sorry.

No one is saying that’s okay - but you can’t really use that as an excuse to not put the graft in yourself.

its time to grow up. You’re a mum and you’re raising a baby in an unsafe house in a toxic relationship that you are equally responsible for.

Stop making excuses, leave and set up a safe secure and clean home for your child to thrive in.

He has no time, nor disire to fix up the house right now.
You are tired and fed up with broken promises.
You were abusive to him and clearly not liking him - only seeing him as a route to a joint house purchase.

He was abusive to you, shouting and abusive to your phone.
He finishes a long days work, as do you, and he is then met with challenges to work on.

It is obvious that neither of you have the time for a relationship and certainly no time for house projects.
Your daughter's room is a non issue.

Can you not both look at the bright side - you have a roof over your heads, a delightful baby and jobs.
The two of you are toxic together; you don't bring out the best in each other. You are naturally NOT a good match.

Choose drastic change or separate.

Sorry too but you sound unhinged, getting into arguments with people online and in real life indicates that you are dysfunctional?

It sounds like there is so much anger in this relationship. It doesn't sound like it's working so what are the options here?

I agree that you have both behaved badly, but I have sympathy for both of you.

I think the period of maternity leave, particularly the first one, is a time that stresses most relationships and can start huge resentment building.

Most couples go from relatively similar lives - both going out to work full time but then both having free time to relax at the end of the day - to one of your lives changing completely (and both lives affected by the new baby).

From his perspective, he is going out to work hard and ‘needs’ to relax at the end of the day. That’s normal and what he’s always done. The problem is he doesn’t see or properly value what you are doing in the home, and views it as you having ‘time off’ whilst he’s working hard…and then he gets home and he’s been nagged about these jobs around the house. Maybe deep down he realises that he’s bitten off more than he can chew, and is overwhelmed, but too pig-headed to get someone in.

From your perspective, you have been stuck at home all day with the baby. What you do on maternity leave isn’t difficult stuff, but that’s the problem, it can turn into endless mindless drudgery. Then he comes home and doesn’t appreciate anything that you’ve done, thinks that you’ve been sitting on your arse, and then sits on his arse whilst you’re still doing stuff for the house AND you’ve got the night shift to do. On top of this, he gets to go out of the house, but you’re the one who has to look at all the shitty unfinished stuff and put up with the leaks.

This is before you start with any changes in dynamics about who is bringing what into the family and who has the most important role and who is the most tired.

It’s a tinderbox. We didn’t have the issue of all the diy around the house and my husband was helpful, but my God, sometimes I would seethe seeing him sitting there with his iPad moaning about how he had to ‘unwind after a busy day”. I had colleagues who returned much earlier than planned from mat leave because they just couldn’t be doing with this aspect of things.

If both of you want to fix things, then you’re going to need to sit down and talk. It’s tricky as there will be the tendency to go back down the road of defensiveness and anger about the DIY. However, you do need to talk about how you are going to keep the household and family life running now, as it is only going to get harder in the future. If you go back to work, then between you, you will need to manage two jobs, the household, the dog and a toddler/preschooler, and then the school run/homework/clubs. If you go back to work part-time, if you don’t get things straight now, you run the risk of being minimised because you are ‘only’ part-time and the resentment building further.

I don’t know if your relationship is too far gone. I do know that this stage of life is a flashpoint and that what is going on now is not acceptable for any of the three of you, so it has to either end, or change.

Yes, you are. And so is he. You need to split up, your relationship is toxic and you are treating each other dreadfully. Unfinished DIY projects are no reason to manhandle someone and call them names, and he shouldn't be retaliating by smashing your stuff. This is very unhealthy for your child to grow up around. You both need to grow up and realise your relationship isn't working.

His house is never getting fixed. Stop talking about and thinking about it.

You need to put your DD first. This relationship is toxic. Start planning where and when you will move.

That being said, I am also going to challenge you a little as well.

I meant absolutely what I said about feeling the drudgery of maternity leave and the feeling of wanting to stab my husband in the eyeballs when he was slumped on the sofa at the end of the day, as though he’d been 14 hours down t’pit.

However, I could see even then that the things that had to be done during maternity leave did not take up all my time. They were spread over 24 hours so I didn’t get any time ‘off’, but I was not doing either the drudgery part of raising a baby/housework all the time. Part of looking after the baby was enjoyable time - playing with her, cuddling when feeding her, watching her sleep. I enjoyed the long walks. I was able to have a cuppa and build friendships at/after baby groups. I also enjoyed not having to stress about the things that I had to stress about at work.

I do remember days where I was completely over it all, and stressed out of my head, but generally, it was just like stepping into a completely different life for a while.

So my challenge to you is, is there anything you can reframe? It’s not going to sort the big problem between you and your partner. That decision and discussion has to be had, but is there anything you turn to take some of the negative feeling out of things?

I am struck by the fact that you group walks with your daughter and the dog and attending baby groups as work. Is there anything you can find to enjoy about these?

I spent a lot of my mat leave out of the house, as my daughter only seemed to like to sleep on the move. I wonder whether this might help you too. You wouldn’t see the half done DIY at every turn that way.

Sorry, I am rambling.

To put things more succinctly, in a bad situation you can

1. act to make it better
2. act to make things feel more tolerable.

They are not mutually exclusive. You can do both at the same time.

My first post is about making things better (if that is still possible)
The second about making it more tolerable whilst you work out what you are going to do.

It depends a lot on the baby and your set up.
Being back at work was a easier for me in many ways than dealing with 1 intense baby on mat leave...