Fiance smashed my phone

[PinkLady365]

Hello

I am expecting a flaming but here goes.
I have a baby daughter. I live it the house my fiance bought with his ex. I moved in with him after we had dated for sometime. We always said he wanted to sell his house and for us to buy somewhere together. That was the plan. But as I look around there are so many unfinished big projects. He said he doesn't have the time to complete. He said I need to do more housework whilst on maternity leave so he isn't doing much in evenings and so can do this. I was puzzled as he does some housework in evenings, as do I, but he isn't picking up my slack. Also, it's maternity leave. Not housework leave.
Anyway, I have started doing lots of housework while trying to entertain a baby and I try and take my dog and baby out on walks to save a job later on (ie walking dog). But I have found that despite this, he will still relax after his work. Yes he is spending time with us as a family but not finishing major projects. Ie half painted rooms, ripped up toilet flooring, leaks never fixed, etc.

I have offered to pay for a handyman or decorator to fix these jobs but he refuses my money and I don't want to go ahead and book these jobs as I'm not on his title deeds.
Also, my little girls nursery is the room his ex girlfriend used to learn to pole dance. I feel uncomfortable about this and hate it. He said I'm unreasonable and I'm the only one who thinks this way. He never told me this, I snooped on her social media and recognised the room.

Anyway, it all came to head today as I stood on a nail head in the little bathroom (also flooring up!) And it ripped another hole in yet another pair of socks and went ballistic.
I started texting him and arguing saying I had enough. Telling to chose between me or the house. To get off his arse fix all projects etc. He then tells me he doesn't finish projects as I do f all around the house whilst on maternity leave. I listed everything I had done. He dismissed it. He then dismissed me saying I walk my dog and little girl together to save a job. He said I have only done this twice. I then listed all the dates as I checked all photo dates on my phone. He then started shouting. clesrly as i proved him wrong. Telling me im austic as i get fixated on tiny details. I shouted back. I told him he only has time for the things he wants to do and not house projects. He then told me he I was an abuser. I did stop him walking away from me many a times but I saw red. He then shouted in my face after tenth time i pulled him back and I just said to him "I'm not scared of a fat angry bastard like you". He then looked around and grabbed my phone and repeatedly threw it to the ground until it was smashed to bits. I now cannot use it as the screen has come off, literally.
He said to be together I need to change my ways but I have been pretty shaken. I have looked at hotels in area but don't want to leave my dog with him. I don't know what to do. He said he broke my phone due to his "years of abuse".
Did I cause this?

You are as bad as each other and the best thing you could do is separate and try and coparent amicably.

Do you really think a man like this will want to take care of a child 50% of the time?

He'll probably do a few hours every other weekend.

This is projects he started, on his own, a long time before I moved in. Years ago even. We haven't had flooring in bathroom for 2.5 years. He has no time

You chose to move in knowing the house was like this.
You then agreed to have a baby knowing the house was like this.

You were completely in the wrong today by manhandling and if a man did this they would be ripped to shreds to here and rightly so.

Do you really think it’s acceptable to manhandle someone because the painting needs doing?
Would it be ok for him to do that to you because the laundry needs doing?

The pole dancing thing is just childish.
It was his ex’s home and you can’t erase that.

As PPs have said, this relationship is toxic and you cannot bring up a child in this environment.
The child can grow up in a an unfinished home and be ok but they will not be ok growing up in an abusive one.

Move out and live separately at the very least.

With the water leaks I'd be worried about mould and my baby's lungs. It's an unsafe slum. Can't believe it wasn't flagged by the midwife or health visitor.

This just isn’t working. You need to end it

This isn’t about 100% right or 100% wrong.

Christ almighty you’re a mother now and your #1 priority should be caring for and protecting your child - not fighting with its father.

What is the matter with you?

Are you in middle school?

Leave.
Take your child with you.
Take your dog with you.
Go to a safe place.
Prioritise your child and their safety and needs.
Don’t go back until the house is fit to live in.
Be rational.
Grow up about 25 years.

I am 98% sure myself that you will ignore every person’s advise on this thread telling you to leave.
We have at least told you.
If I were you, I would listen. But I’m not you.

I’ve sadly heard of far worse situations and having a child in the midst of this mess doesn’t make anyone come out looking well.

@PinkLady365

Putting hands on someone is never right. You should never have 'manhandled' (your words) when he tried to leave. In fact, one of the first things a counselor will tell a couple is that when things get heated, walk away. Walk away, get yourself some 'space' to cool down. He tried to do that and you stopped him. Now, smashing your phone was just as wrong so he's not gettin a 'bye' here either.

You need to leave. Not because of any 'fault' but because the two of you aren't good together. You say you have 'house money'? TBH I'd buy my own place if I were you. Even if you get back together it would put you on more of an even footing with him, both of you owning property. If that's not an option I'd rent a little place, with just a baby you could easily do with a 1 bed or even a studio if that's all you can afford.

In the meantime, do you have anywhere you can go? You're on mat leave so even if your family is out of the area you could still go there to get your head together. You need time and space to think about what you want for your future.

IMO there are 2 possible reasons he's not fixing up the house, one being that he's a lazy arse and so it'll never get done. Two being that he is keeping the house in crappy shape hoping that you'll leave in disgust.

Protecting children from domestic abuse | NSPCC Learning

STOP making excuses and grow up. Read this. The impact of this sort of thing on children is extremely negative and has lifelong consequences.

I think I have read every post and I didn't see this - how old are you and your partner?

There’s no ‘cause’ of abuse, other than the lack of control of the person who’s abusive.

If you feel unsafe, you should seek urgent advice from a domestic abuse agency. Repeatedly smashing a phone is violent.

It’s not acceptable for children, including babies, to witness aggressive and abusive behaviour. You’ve both been abusive. It can happen during arguments but it shouldn’t. Children and adults have to learn to control their emotions, or at least remove themselves until they can, to avoid being abusive to others. Even young children are taught to have ‘time out’. Your DP tried to do so. You stopped him.

If you feel safe and decide to stay in the cohabiting relationship on the basis you both end the abuse and find solutions calmly, you need to fix your unhealthy, and possibly unsafe, housing conditions. They’re unacceptable and clearly causing you a lot of stress. It sounds like you’ve suggested solutions, which he’s not engaged with.

He should propose a mutually-acceptable solution with agreed dates. If he won’t, or doesn’t honour it with good reason, you have to accept he won’t do it and find your own home.

In any case, it’s very risky to live in a partner’s home by invitation only, especially with a child. If he won’t be in a joint home, you should strongly consider protecting yourself and finding your own.

Maternity leave is to recover from pregnancy/birth and care for a newborn, which is a full-time job, as he’d discover if he did it every day. Household chores should remain a shared responsibility as you both work.

I think you’re getting an unfair pasting. I’m sure the op wasn’t awful to her partner as she managed through having her first baby and the newborn phase , it’s only been as she realises he isn’t there for them and his promises were lies. It’s pretty stressful for a new mum to live in a work in progress house with leaks and no floors and multiple other issues. The op should leave though as this man isn’t going to deliver for you.

Hopefully a neighbour will have heard what went on and might alert police or social services.

The phone is the least of your worries. I trust he us now an ex fiance.
Think of your poor child having to grow up in this horrible atmosphere.

It sounds like you recognise that you both behaved like knobheads.
I don't think it helps to assign percentages to your collective knobheadery.

Please look up childhood ACEs.

I've copied a link below:

Whatever cycle you are perpetuating needs breaking if you don't want to damage your poor little girl. This is no environment to raise a child and this type of behaviour if repeated would be a concern for social services.

Don't do any jobs in this house. Just focus on leaving and creating a calm, safe space for you and your baby.

Forget working out who's to blame for what. The relationship isn't working and has become dangerous so focus on ending it and moving out asap.

I don’t think it’s about them being incompatible, there is abuse in the relationship.

There is behaviour on both sides that is not acceptable and is abusive. End your relationship for goodness sake, you are toxic together, and access some proper support so that you both do not continue this cycle for your child to be exposed to which will do untold damage if you carry on as you are.

Both are, not just her. He is controlling - not letting her hire workers to do the job. He is emotionally / mentally abusive - telling her she does nothing when she is taking care of child and a dog in her maternity leave, plus doing house work.
This is a toxic relationship.

You’re not compatible.

He sounds selfish and controlling.

You sound immature to be upset about your daughter sleeping in your partners’ ex’s “pole dancing room”.

You were horrible and abusive to call him a fat bastard and get physical first. He was equally as horrible and abusive to scream at you and smash your phone repeatedly. He’s probably capable of a lot more physically.

You need to split up. This isn’t a healthy environment for a child to grow up in. Things won’t improve.

OP, your behaviour is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Is your dog an XL Bully by any chance?

So if they find compatible partners, they will become responsable and won’t engage in abusive behaviour at the time of stress and disagreements? Or does compatibility mean, never disagreeing?

Both see to have childhood trauma or at least neglect to not have learnt to resolve disagreements in a relationship, and have used abusive behaviours to get their ways or avoid responsibilities.

No! He is a shit and he showed a complete lack of self restraint when he smashed your phone. He is lazy and should be tidying the house when he gets home, not you. When the baby is a bit older you can share that task, but it's not your responsibility. Your life with this man will not be good. You will be better off on your own. Ignore all the posters saying you are the abuser. He is bigger than you and can hurt you if he wants. He sounds awful. Can't you go to a relatives house? Take the baby and the dog and go. You hate living there.

You put your hands on him. Ten times. His act of violence was against the phone. That doesn’t make it ok. It was a warning g of what he could do to you. You must have been terrified because he is bigger and stronger than you. He was wrong. And so were you.