Fiance smashed my phone

[PinkLady365]

Hello

I am expecting a flaming but here goes.
I have a baby daughter. I live it the house my fiance bought with his ex. I moved in with him after we had dated for sometime. We always said he wanted to sell his house and for us to buy somewhere together. That was the plan. But as I look around there are so many unfinished big projects. He said he doesn't have the time to complete. He said I need to do more housework whilst on maternity leave so he isn't doing much in evenings and so can do this. I was puzzled as he does some housework in evenings, as do I, but he isn't picking up my slack. Also, it's maternity leave. Not housework leave.
Anyway, I have started doing lots of housework while trying to entertain a baby and I try and take my dog and baby out on walks to save a job later on (ie walking dog). But I have found that despite this, he will still relax after his work. Yes he is spending time with us as a family but not finishing major projects. Ie half painted rooms, ripped up toilet flooring, leaks never fixed, etc.

I have offered to pay for a handyman or decorator to fix these jobs but he refuses my money and I don't want to go ahead and book these jobs as I'm not on his title deeds.
Also, my little girls nursery is the room his ex girlfriend used to learn to pole dance. I feel uncomfortable about this and hate it. He said I'm unreasonable and I'm the only one who thinks this way. He never told me this, I snooped on her social media and recognised the room.

Anyway, it all came to head today as I stood on a nail head in the little bathroom (also flooring up!) And it ripped another hole in yet another pair of socks and went ballistic.
I started texting him and arguing saying I had enough. Telling to chose between me or the house. To get off his arse fix all projects etc. He then tells me he doesn't finish projects as I do f all around the house whilst on maternity leave. I listed everything I had done. He dismissed it. He then dismissed me saying I walk my dog and little girl together to save a job. He said I have only done this twice. I then listed all the dates as I checked all photo dates on my phone. He then started shouting. clesrly as i proved him wrong. Telling me im austic as i get fixated on tiny details. I shouted back. I told him he only has time for the things he wants to do and not house projects. He then told me he I was an abuser. I did stop him walking away from me many a times but I saw red. He then shouted in my face after tenth time i pulled him back and I just said to him "I'm not scared of a fat angry bastard like you". He then looked around and grabbed my phone and repeatedly threw it to the ground until it was smashed to bits. I now cannot use it as the screen has come off, literally.
He said to be together I need to change my ways but I have been pretty shaken. I have looked at hotels in area but don't want to leave my dog with him. I don't know what to do. He said he broke my phone due to his "years of abuse".
Did I cause this?

Well that’s a drip feed! He know wants you to “dress up” for a dog walk and walk faster? But the only issue is the DIY?

its your dog, you walk it, stop acting like it’s a big deal.

Not how you’ve made it sound…. The extremely long walk before bed has only just been mentioned.

I had an extremely difficult, colicky baby and I nevertheless managed to look after him while completing a master's degree and taking care of the house AND taking the baby out for daily three hour walks as it was the only thing which would ease his crying. Housework is not that hard. It takes maybe an hour a day and it's physical so it's good exercise. Learn how to tie the baby on your back and tote them around while you hoover. You really have to help yourself here, and you won't achieve that by constantly nagging your husband.

She has just had a baby right? Were you fixing leaks when you were post partum and pulling up tiles etc? C'mon. It's his job, she does her part which sounds like the vast majority of the housework and all the care for newborn. Newborns are not easy. Amazing for those of you that did Masters degrees and renovated cottages with six week olds but most mums, especially those with little support, struggle post partum. It's a very significant life change. Yes, she pulled him back physically but he was never physically scared of her. Not like she was scared of him when he destroyed her phone.

No. Ignore the 'perfect victim' narrative that some think you must be to be deserving of help. You baby is the priority. You and your baby need to get out, phone destruction and berating you about housework is clearly a means of control. Ring the domestic abuse helpline or see if there's a women's aid locally.

the definition of insanity is doing everything the same but expecting the outcome to change.

he hasvt fixed the floor in 2.5yrs, he’s not going to magically do it now when there’s a baby adding to the household workload.

you say he has no time. What is he doing? Working ti support you? Or out drinking etc?

either way this is a toxic relationship and you risk damaging the child if you stay

Of course you aren't 100% in the wrong. Your fiance's controlling behaviour is dreadful but you lost the moral highground as soon as you turned the argument physical.

You need to leave him as your relationship is toxic.

I agree with pp, the way you are so aggressive and snarky with responses is perhaps a reflection of your behaviour in rl . Frankly it sounds as if you are picking away at every scab wrt the diy and consequently he feels hectored and belittled. A better tactic would have been to prioritise , for example, the hot water as an essential for your baby and get someone in to sort that for you. Either way too late now, damage done on both sides, if your relationship was ever functional it certainly is not now. Somehow you come across as insecure, despite your apparent career and means, and need to move on.

And she should spend her money fixing a house she has no legal right to because...?

OP don't waste your money on him and his shithole house, spend it on providing your daughter with a safe, comfortable home away from him. He never had any intention of marrying you or buying a house with you, he wants you reliant on him and to be his skivvy. You should have made him prove himself before having a baby, but it's too late now so just focus on where to go from here.

Wow please go collect your Best Woman award, if only we could all be as incredible as you. 🙄

Woman, really?

I don't think you're an abuser @PinkLady365

I do think you need to end this relationship and leave him ASAP

This is a lazy, entitled man who doesn't respect you and displays controlling behaviour. He gives you the silent treatment for days when you fall out gaslight you etc
The law now recognises that women when experiencing behaviour over time can snap, I see this is what happened here.

He started this, not you, but it is up to you to finish it and you do so by leaving. Things will only get worse when your baby is here.

@PinkLady365 recognising that the relationship is unhealthy and not equal is important.

You're at the end of your tether and it exploded into a shameful reaction. Learn from this and ensure you never, ever abuse a partner in this way again because abuse is not love.

Also accept that this man has no interest in being your equal. I read all your posts and he really is a lazy, selfish sod. He expects you to be the wee housewifey doing all the childcare, housework, pets, life admin and work a job as well. He's definitely laying the groundwork for that now by resisting all your attempts at equality in the home.

He won't change. He has this misogynistic streak that won't go away no matter how much you beg, cry and argue with him. He's trying to mould you into the person who does it all so he has an easy life. He doesn't value your contribution at all.

AND you don't even have equity in the home you are supposed to be sharing and building a life together in.

Just leave. Go make a safe, cosy home for yourself and do better.

He's gone to work. Last night he worked on bathroom and ordered a few bits for our daughter (things he kept telling me to wait for). Ie a cot. She needs it now. He wouldn't let me order or pay for it all.

My behaviour was disgusting and I need to live with that.

Do you want a medal?

No you didn't deserve your phone smashing, or his treatment of you, but it all sounds completely toxic - get out when you can!

She doesn't come across to me as aggressive or snarky- just someone at the end of their tether with a small baby living in a building site! This man will never change, the house will never be repaired.

And never ever spend your money on someone else's house- You will never get it back

So is that enough to keep you there, really? If so, you are settling for crumbs until the next time.

What do you mean he wouldn’t let you? Your baby needs a cot, you have money, order the cot.

You have agency, you can do whatever you want, spend your money on whatever you want. Please try to take control of your and your baby’s lives. Stop relying on a man to deal with everything and then getting disappointed if he doesn’t.

You are better off doing everything yourself and then getting angry that you do everything and leave if needs be.

Seems like selling your property was not best idea...but you can go rent somewhere small and nice for you and baby and dog. Leave him to sort his house out. If he does and stops smashing things then review.
In few months time you simply cannot be in that house too dangerous for baby crawling around.
If he hasnt made efgort already he won't

Just move out now. You can keep seeing him if you really want to but make it clear you cannot stay with a baby in that property it is madness. And if he does not sort it he wont be.having baby there. Stop being passive. Put baby first.

You sound like your relationship has imploded and you need to get away from eachother. Before you both become more damaged and angry.

All I can say is that some women have an extremely low bar for men and an extremely high one for women. He is apparently too tired to do DIY after he ripped rooms to pieces in his own house (and seemingly hasn't had hot water for years) because he works fulltime - who would have thought that DIY is only done by part-time workers. On the other hand, a woman who has no financial interest in the place, who is looking after their very young child while on maternity leave is meant to do all the housework and also manage some DIY plumbing repairs of a leak which he hasn't been able to locate. I can assure you that when I had a small baby at home my husband wasn't suggesting I fit draft excluders or tackle difficult plumbing problems - I am sure it would not even have crossed his mind to suggest I do so.

This sounds like an argument that got out of hand- fault on both sides. Name calling, pushing, smashing phones, not great behaviour, but once in a very blue moon… these things happen.

In all honesty, it doesn’t sound like you get on that well. Your tolerances are different. Your partner sounds happy to live in a reno, you are not and neither would I! I would expect toilet and roof leaks to be fixed promptly, paid for if necessary. Flooring in the bathroom is not a luxury!

Generally tho, this sounds over. Squabbling about dishes, dog walks and water bottled, snooping on pole dancing ex’s? This isn’t sustainable and it’s becoming toxic.

Walk away whilst you can still be civil with each other- your daughter will thank you one day.

Good luck.

It's over @PinkLady365

You can't circle around this forever or for a minute longer. He won't change but anyway the damage is irreparable now. It really doesn't matter now who did what or who does what now the damage has been done. And from your updates you're still seething and he's just trying a little damage limitation whilst also being resentful. Honestly, your relationship is over.

You need to move out.