Fiance smashed my phone

[PinkLady365]

Hello

I am expecting a flaming but here goes.
I have a baby daughter. I live it the house my fiance bought with his ex. I moved in with him after we had dated for sometime. We always said he wanted to sell his house and for us to buy somewhere together. That was the plan. But as I look around there are so many unfinished big projects. He said he doesn't have the time to complete. He said I need to do more housework whilst on maternity leave so he isn't doing much in evenings and so can do this. I was puzzled as he does some housework in evenings, as do I, but he isn't picking up my slack. Also, it's maternity leave. Not housework leave.
Anyway, I have started doing lots of housework while trying to entertain a baby and I try and take my dog and baby out on walks to save a job later on (ie walking dog). But I have found that despite this, he will still relax after his work. Yes he is spending time with us as a family but not finishing major projects. Ie half painted rooms, ripped up toilet flooring, leaks never fixed, etc.

I have offered to pay for a handyman or decorator to fix these jobs but he refuses my money and I don't want to go ahead and book these jobs as I'm not on his title deeds.
Also, my little girls nursery is the room his ex girlfriend used to learn to pole dance. I feel uncomfortable about this and hate it. He said I'm unreasonable and I'm the only one who thinks this way. He never told me this, I snooped on her social media and recognised the room.

Anyway, it all came to head today as I stood on a nail head in the little bathroom (also flooring up!) And it ripped another hole in yet another pair of socks and went ballistic.
I started texting him and arguing saying I had enough. Telling to chose between me or the house. To get off his arse fix all projects etc. He then tells me he doesn't finish projects as I do f all around the house whilst on maternity leave. I listed everything I had done. He dismissed it. He then dismissed me saying I walk my dog and little girl together to save a job. He said I have only done this twice. I then listed all the dates as I checked all photo dates on my phone. He then started shouting. clesrly as i proved him wrong. Telling me im austic as i get fixated on tiny details. I shouted back. I told him he only has time for the things he wants to do and not house projects. He then told me he I was an abuser. I did stop him walking away from me many a times but I saw red. He then shouted in my face after tenth time i pulled him back and I just said to him "I'm not scared of a fat angry bastard like you". He then looked around and grabbed my phone and repeatedly threw it to the ground until it was smashed to bits. I now cannot use it as the screen has come off, literally.
He said to be together I need to change my ways but I have been pretty shaken. I have looked at hotels in area but don't want to leave my dog with him. I don't know what to do. He said he broke my phone due to his "years of abuse".
Did I cause this?

Once a relationship has gotten to the point where you're putting hands on each other, screaming insults, and breaking things the only sane, responsible choice is to separate.

It doesn't matter how you got to that place. It doesn't matter how unreasonable he is about household jobs or why he is choosing not to do the work. It doesn't matter how much you are or aren't doing around the house. It doesn't matter if you don't fight over other things. There will be no winner here and if you don't end it then you'll both find yourselves behaving in increasingly toxic ways.

When the house is on fire you don't sit inside arguing about who started it, you get yourself and your child out.

The relationship sounds unhealthy and dysfunctional - what you did was abusive. He has no intention of doing the diy you should have worked as a team before baby arrived to get the place sorted just cut your losses and find somewhere safe to live. It can really affect your mood living in a project house especially when you dont own it and have limited say over whats happening

Poster: "You are both unstable and abusive. This relationship is toxic."

You: "But it's the only issue in our relationship."

FFS.

Absolutely ur not wrong. I feel for you. U have just had a baby and he's not pulling his weight and being loving at all. Ur reacting to this. Yes there are rules in fighting nowadays 🤣 no fisty cuffs to ever be used. Smashing his stuff and massive shouting matches/calling each other names. But listen the story behind the story is that you are fighting to save the relationship because it's not working for you.
A girl who is getting her ducks in a row has quietly checked out. Fighting stops and exit plan is being formulated. So actually your behaviour shows u still care.
You need to take a step back and ask yourself if he doesn't change (and he probably won't)is this situation acceptable to you.
If it's not then you need to work out a way out.
Stop fighting with him and look carefully and think about your future.
Hope that helps. And don't worry most couples fight 😆 doesn't make u a bad person, just maybe think about it differently. Hand hold. Xxx

You just need to leave. The house is a danger when your baby starts crawling and putting things in her mouth
Take your dog and baby go to your family.
His violence will get worse and the relationship is toxic

Spot on 🎯

You can stay at Travelodges with a ddog.

Never underestimate the stress of living in a clapped out, unsafe house. It ruins relationships and will wreck your peace of mind. Your DP is being v v unreasonable shouting at you about housework when he is not doing anything to make the house safe for a baby.
Make plans to move now - you should be able to find an AirBNB that will let you take a dog. Then make plans.
That house is clearly not safe for you, and certainly not for your baby. Soon baby will be on the move - crawling then toddling - how is that house safe for her?

It's not about what topic you argue about. It's about how you argue. You have both crossed the line into getting physical when arguing. It's totally unacceptable. Your daughter deserves better. Your relationship sounds toxic.

P s his ex and her pole is irrelevant.
You have a baby who needs at least one parent willing to create a safe home. It is not him. It is not this house.
Is it you?

You both sound awful and abusive to each other.

But at the end of the day, 1) you need to leave because that house does not sound safe for a baby, and 2) you need to leave because he has been violent and will likely be violent again, and worse (as will you probably).

And no, your relationship is not 'otherwise fine', you're being delusional if you think so.

As much as you shouldn't have blocked/pulled him back to make him stay in the argument (where was your daughter?), his reaction in smashing your phone was extreme. Particularly that it wasn't just that he snatched it and threw it out of the way when you were using it to prove him wrong, but that he repeatedly threw it down to make sure it was broken. That to me is a scary and aggressive reaction and I'd be very surprised if it doesn't escalate.

I find it hard to believe that a couple that "get on great" most of the time would treat each other like this. It is toxic, however much you say otherwise. The house is also a huge safety concern for your child.
I work in a school and if a child spoke to me about living in those conditions and witnessing that behaviour between parents, I'd 100% be passing it on to my DSL

It's his house, not yours. Don't throw your money away fixing it up. Walk away. You're incompatible.

I am with mathanxiety. You didn't cause this, your partner did with his future faking and laziness. A woman manhandling a man is NOT the same as the other way around b/o the differences in strength.

But that doesn't change the fact that you need to get out of that house and away from that man, with baby and dog, asap. The relationship is untenable and unsalvageable. Travelodge for a start? All the best.

What a toxic relationship. You are both abusive.

Unfortunately you probably don’t know him as well as you thought, if you’ll gonna stay too there I would redecorate the nursery and buy sone cheap flooring etc

I've absolutely read about this household before and I truly hope someone will catch on and save that kid

Sadly, you moved in too soon, you have no financial security, and this is not a good place for you to bring up a child.

The DIY is not the point.

You don't get on, your relationship is violent, so you need to plan to live as a single parent.

No. Just no. This is so toxic and you are also contributing to that.
You are both aggressive. This is NOT a healthy environment for a baby to be brought up in.
End the relationship.

That's not the point, who is wrong. Probably both of you are wrong in some ways. You need to provide a stable home for your child and dog. Start thinking about how to do that.

The house is never going to be fixed. Never ever.

The relationship is abusive on both sides.

The poor child needs to be removed from this situation.

Yet you still had a baby with him?? Wow…

@PinkLady365

If the house has been like this for 2.5yrs, why? You haven't been on maternity leave all that time, so why has it all fallen to him if this is supposed to be something you've put no capital into, but expecting to benefit from the sale to buy "your" house. Why were both of you doing nothing for the year and a half before the baby was born?

No, maternity leave isn't housework leave. But yes, a SAHP takes on the majority of the housework because unless you're living in the likes of Blenheim, running the hoover round, putting a load on and wiping down the kitchen takes very little out of your day. Walking your dog isn't contributing to the household. It's your dog and you're at home all day. It's nice to stay home with your baby. But, a baby isn't a get out clause to doing anything else.

I don't buy this whole "I offer to get tradesman in and pay" but then say you don't because your name isn't on the deeds. Either you are happy to take this house and all it's equity as part of your future home, or you're not. If you are, then contribute. If you're not going to participate in getting what is effectively a free house to you ready for sale, then why do you think you should benefit from the sale?

Unless you've got the equal value of what he's going to get for his house in your savings, and will be putting all of it into your joint future purchase, so you are in fact contributing the same?...

I agree the relationship is toxic and needs to end; however, I also get why he is pissed off that the decorating is all left to him, especially if you're home all day. He is correct in saying you could paint a wall while he is at work.

And as @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease it says, why has it been like this for two and a half years? Why could you not compromise/help each other instead of it all being left to him?

I don't think OP has been abusive. However, OP has an odd view of maternity leave and appears to think that one does nothing but play with the baby on such leave. I wish. If you are at home all day you do a major share of the housework and cooking. But though I don't think OP has been abusive on this occasion this is an abusive relationship. She hates the house. She doesn't much like her DP. She thinks it's wrong to relax after being at work all day. They should end the relationship. Totally incompatible. Poor child. Poor dog.