Fiance smashed my phone

[PinkLady365]

Hello

I am expecting a flaming but here goes.
I have a baby daughter. I live it the house my fiance bought with his ex. I moved in with him after we had dated for sometime. We always said he wanted to sell his house and for us to buy somewhere together. That was the plan. But as I look around there are so many unfinished big projects. He said he doesn't have the time to complete. He said I need to do more housework whilst on maternity leave so he isn't doing much in evenings and so can do this. I was puzzled as he does some housework in evenings, as do I, but he isn't picking up my slack. Also, it's maternity leave. Not housework leave.
Anyway, I have started doing lots of housework while trying to entertain a baby and I try and take my dog and baby out on walks to save a job later on (ie walking dog). But I have found that despite this, he will still relax after his work. Yes he is spending time with us as a family but not finishing major projects. Ie half painted rooms, ripped up toilet flooring, leaks never fixed, etc.

I have offered to pay for a handyman or decorator to fix these jobs but he refuses my money and I don't want to go ahead and book these jobs as I'm not on his title deeds.
Also, my little girls nursery is the room his ex girlfriend used to learn to pole dance. I feel uncomfortable about this and hate it. He said I'm unreasonable and I'm the only one who thinks this way. He never told me this, I snooped on her social media and recognised the room.

Anyway, it all came to head today as I stood on a nail head in the little bathroom (also flooring up!) And it ripped another hole in yet another pair of socks and went ballistic.
I started texting him and arguing saying I had enough. Telling to chose between me or the house. To get off his arse fix all projects etc. He then tells me he doesn't finish projects as I do f all around the house whilst on maternity leave. I listed everything I had done. He dismissed it. He then dismissed me saying I walk my dog and little girl together to save a job. He said I have only done this twice. I then listed all the dates as I checked all photo dates on my phone. He then started shouting. clesrly as i proved him wrong. Telling me im austic as i get fixated on tiny details. I shouted back. I told him he only has time for the things he wants to do and not house projects. He then told me he I was an abuser. I did stop him walking away from me many a times but I saw red. He then shouted in my face after tenth time i pulled him back and I just said to him "I'm not scared of a fat angry bastard like you". He then looked around and grabbed my phone and repeatedly threw it to the ground until it was smashed to bits. I now cannot use it as the screen has come off, literally.
He said to be together I need to change my ways but I have been pretty shaken. I have looked at hotels in area but don't want to leave my dog with him. I don't know what to do. He said he broke my phone due to his "years of abuse".
Did I cause this?

You need to find somewhere else to live with the baby and the dog. You've absolutely lost your shit and self control because he sounds lazy, doesn't like being told what to do and deflects and you lost control. There's not really any coming back from a situation like that, it's gone too far.

Your relationship is 100% over. Move nearer your family and make a home for you and your DD. She can then grow up in a calmer atmosphere and you will be able to enjoy her. Claim all you can in benefits and get employment to provide everything else. Have a lovely life just the two of you. Never let him into your life again apart from contact with your DD.

These are my thoughts.

-You are being ridiculous over his ex learning to pole dance in a room. Much worse will have happened in the bedroom you sleep in. That's all irrelevant nonsense.
-You are both in the wrong for letting this argument escalate to the degree it did, particularly you for preventing him from walking away - you've now seen why he tried to. This is a nasty situation you can't let happen again. You need to find better ways to resolve issues of conflict or your relationship cannot last. Therapy could help.
-Re the house, if he values you and your child most of all sell it as is. Yes you'd lose some money on it (he would) but if what he actually wants is to move into a new place with you and live in better conditions that is an option. An estate agent can tell you what absolutely must be done to avoid losing lots of cash and what's cosmetic and a new buyer would want to redo anyway (eg some old flooring) so won't mind so much if it is half ripped up.
-You should not have a baby in a house where there are exposed nails, that is extremely dangerous and he either needs to sort the unsafe (rather than unsightky/annoying) issues now or you need to move out, and not allow daughter to visit him at the property until it is made safe. Photograph all of the safety issues for evidence in case needed at a later date eg for court.
-Once you've calmed down decide whether this is actually a man you love and want to be with or if the relationship has run itw course. If the latter work on preserving an excellent coparenting relationship rather than struggling on with the relationship as it is until you despise each other.

Just leave. That’s the only sensible option.

He doesn’t care about the house OP. By the sounds of it he hates your dog too.
He sounds awful and isn’t going to change. At least go to your local authority and register for housing for you, baby and dog.
You don’t sound compatible at all, it’s a toxic environment.

Sigh.

@PinkLady365 is he the father of your child? Sorry if I’ve missed it

Yes

If ever there were two people who shouldn’t be within a million miles of each other, it’s you two. It doesn’t matter if this is the only thing you argue about; the pair of you are demonstrating a level of aggression that is unacceptable. Neither of you appear to know how to handle conflict in a relationship and you’ve tied yourselves together for an indefinite period now you have a child. The pair of you are at fault. Very poor decision making by both of you.

That house doesn't sound suitable to raise a child in so I can see why you are upset, and the fact he isn't morivated by becoming a father to sort it is telling.

But more worryingly your relationship isn't suitable to raise a child in either is it, and I would say that it is beyond sorting. I'm glad you are thinking you need to move out.

He stone walls you. By ignoring you. If he never comes back to the point that triggered it, it is a way to control you and avoid discussion so that things never get resolved.

but your response (to force him back) was not the correct way to solve this.

you are both abusive

gather your dignity and set a better example for your daughter.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the two of you together are utterly toxic and this is a terrible environment to bring a child up in. You both behaved appallingly and like you’re more interested in point scoring than making a home suitable for your child.

Like heck it is.

Listen, you cannot nag an adult into doing what you what. They either choose to do it or they don’t. He has chosen not to do it. He may have said he will do it. But words are different than actions.

Now the only choice you have is stay and put up with it or leave. I vote leave.

You need to leave with your daughter and not return. Find somewhere to go. Call Refuge and Women’s Aid; they can advise on people who’ll look after your dog while you look for somewhere else to go and stay in a refuge. This is a toxic relationship and he is violent. Do not expose your baby to this.

Don’t accept his excuses or begging. Leave with your child while you can.

Move out. It's not a good environment for you, the dog or your child. If you have money to pay for building works then you can afford to rent somewhere. Let him stay in his dilapidated house alone.

Try this:

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/how-de-escalate-argument

And this

https://www.relate.org.uk/stonewalling

whether or not you remain you need to read the above as you’ll have to converse with him in the future

He doesn't want to so you wont be able to.

get the fuck away from him.

All the resentment you have for each other is bubbling up and pretending to be house-based arguments. Listen to yourself (and him). He seems to resent you being on maternity leave, you resent him not picking up a hammer when he walks in from work. You think he's overweight and he thinks you fixate on things. You don't get on on other matters. Load of rubbish. This needs to end.

‘I love him’ you don’t know the meaning of the word. Absolutely nothing about this relationship is anything to do with love.

You should both be ashamed of yourselves. Neither of you are mature enough to bring up a baby. Poor kid.

You're not totally in the wrong, no, some people do use walking away from an argument as a way to further manipulate and enrage the other party - see also 'silent treatment'...

However it is clear that you can't exercise impulse control and his behaviour is also atrocious and together, you're not compatible in the slightest.

Travelodges take dogs - get out now.

He is never going to fix the house up. That's the reality. And it should not matter to you. The house is just a symptom of a toxic doomed relationship.

End it now. You have a much better chance of being able to move back to your support network without him preventing you if you go now. Plus it will be better for your DD.

But you need to move on from the state of the house and who is at fault here. This is a bad relationship and an unfinished house for eternity. Focus on the things in your life that are good or have potential.

Move back to your family. If he was going to fix the house he would have. Go home where you have support

For goodness sake move out to your own house
Your both being awful to each other.