Fiance smashed my phone

[PinkLady365]

Hello

I am expecting a flaming but here goes.
I have a baby daughter. I live it the house my fiance bought with his ex. I moved in with him after we had dated for sometime. We always said he wanted to sell his house and for us to buy somewhere together. That was the plan. But as I look around there are so many unfinished big projects. He said he doesn't have the time to complete. He said I need to do more housework whilst on maternity leave so he isn't doing much in evenings and so can do this. I was puzzled as he does some housework in evenings, as do I, but he isn't picking up my slack. Also, it's maternity leave. Not housework leave.
Anyway, I have started doing lots of housework while trying to entertain a baby and I try and take my dog and baby out on walks to save a job later on (ie walking dog). But I have found that despite this, he will still relax after his work. Yes he is spending time with us as a family but not finishing major projects. Ie half painted rooms, ripped up toilet flooring, leaks never fixed, etc.

I have offered to pay for a handyman or decorator to fix these jobs but he refuses my money and I don't want to go ahead and book these jobs as I'm not on his title deeds.
Also, my little girls nursery is the room his ex girlfriend used to learn to pole dance. I feel uncomfortable about this and hate it. He said I'm unreasonable and I'm the only one who thinks this way. He never told me this, I snooped on her social media and recognised the room.

Anyway, it all came to head today as I stood on a nail head in the little bathroom (also flooring up!) And it ripped another hole in yet another pair of socks and went ballistic.
I started texting him and arguing saying I had enough. Telling to chose between me or the house. To get off his arse fix all projects etc. He then tells me he doesn't finish projects as I do f all around the house whilst on maternity leave. I listed everything I had done. He dismissed it. He then dismissed me saying I walk my dog and little girl together to save a job. He said I have only done this twice. I then listed all the dates as I checked all photo dates on my phone. He then started shouting. clesrly as i proved him wrong. Telling me im austic as i get fixated on tiny details. I shouted back. I told him he only has time for the things he wants to do and not house projects. He then told me he I was an abuser. I did stop him walking away from me many a times but I saw red. He then shouted in my face after tenth time i pulled him back and I just said to him "I'm not scared of a fat angry bastard like you". He then looked around and grabbed my phone and repeatedly threw it to the ground until it was smashed to bits. I now cannot use it as the screen has come off, literally.
He said to be together I need to change my ways but I have been pretty shaken. I have looked at hotels in area but don't want to leave my dog with him. I don't know what to do. He said he broke my phone due to his "years of abuse".
Did I cause this?

Absolutely toxic.
Its over.
Make plans to leave.
Contact family and friends for support.
There is no coming back from this.
Make a CMS claim and pack a bag.
Accept its over.

You are 100% in the wrong. He is 100% in the wrong. You should never manhandle anyone or shout at them like that. He is nasty, lazy and disrespectful. The whole relationship is toxic. He will never fix the house or take his share of housework as he thinks that is your job as a woman. You will become more and more resentful of his attitude. Just call it quits and separate. This relationship is so toxic and unpleasant that there is nothing to fix.

Thank you. It's no excuse I know but visitors can't stay as 3rd bedroom has massive leak. Roofer hasn't been round. Leak being managed by buckets. This has been 3 months. Main toilet leak happened August 2022. Flooring up to find it. Couldn't and its been left. Resulted in no hot water upstairs or down just hot water from electric shower. Living is half painted. Kitchen tiles are ripped off and never replaced. Hallway carpet ripped up and never replaced. He has also ripped walls down to put insulation but wasn't so bare walls are in two rooms. I know it's no an excuse but I saw red and went mad. In daughter bedroom she has this horrible big industrial looking light. He refuses to replace with something smaller and more for kids. It was there for pole dancing photos. I love him but hate him now. My daughter is my world. I'll build a nice home for us. Small but cosy and closer to my support network. I koved away from family and friends on the understanding house would be finished and sold. He can't even give me a date he is working towards. That's me being controlling. Apparently.

This. Both need to be removed from this vile, toxic situation.

You are not in the wrong here.

You need to take a huge step back and ask yourself what this loser brings to your life.

Stop giving his accusations free space in your head.
Stop trying to defend yourself to him.

He is not interested in truth, and he is not interested in problem solving.
He is not interested in making the house a safe or pleasant home for you or even his own baby, who will be crawling before you know it.
He has future faked you - the shite about buying a house together was designed to make you think he cared about a future with you so you would move in and he would have a live in cook, laundry maid, and cleaner, plus sex.

Now that you're there in his house and he's feeling you're making too many demands, and your attention is on the baby, he has cold feet and is showing his true colours - he's a lazy liar whose only interest in you is sex and control and how much free labour's he can force you to do for him.

The nonsense about you being lazy, or whatever, because you walked both dog and baby together should be a wake up call for you.
He has stopped caring for you and only wants you there in order to scorn you and gaslight you. No, he should not expect you to just suck up the fact that his previous partner did pole dancing in the room that's now a nursery (was the pole dancing his idea - did he make her feel she wasn't attractive enough for him him?)

Don't paint his house.
Do only your own laundry and the baby's.
Do minimal.cleaning.
Get evidence of his income and keep it safe.
Find yourself a place and move out with the baby. Or move back in with your parents or a family member while you look for somewhere for yourself.
Go back to work.
Put the baby in a nursery or with a CM.
File a claim for child support.

This relationship is over.

You are both unstable and abusive. This relationship is toxic.

You keep focusing on the state of the house, but in a relationship there will be many other sources of stress. If this is how you react when faced with one, then you need to break up, NOW, and go your own ways.

Please stop making excuses and leave.

But it's the only issue in our relationship. We get on and argue about nothing else. Yes we have the odd minor disagreement but we talk it out, it's never heated.

Contact your family and ask if you, your daughter and your dog can come and stay while you get your accommodation sorted. Leave this horrible relationship behind.

You’re both as bad as each other. He’s the classic ‘I go to work so you’re the house slave’ and you’re snooping around, looking for problems. That paired with explosive arguments, him shouting, you calling him names and pushing, then the phone smashing - it’s like an episode of Eastenders. Get external help, both of you, before your kid grows up thinking this is normal in a relationship.

I understand what you are saying but your not invested in the property either and it’s clearly not your home or you will paint/ do jobs.
You are both to blame and I agree with others that this is not going to be fixed.

LTB. You'll be calmer and happier with him gone. All the best

You say closer to your support network but he will probably want joint custody rights so you will need to navigate that on the assumption he will have your shared child 50% of the time. Hopefully he won’t bring up your behaviour for why he should have full custody.

For those who asked, not my house and not on deeds.

He will never finish these projects it makes him feel important. He knows you can’t do them so he’s making you reliant on him. Making himself out to be hard done by.
Yes you shouldn’t have grabbed him. Yes you shouldn’t have called him names.
So not completely your fault in my opinion but you need to leave. This will not get better.

Op needs to leave this doomed relationship and is absolutely in the wrong for manhandling hir partner. But does anyone else think it’s bats**t that a baby could be crawling around a house with exposed nails?

Don't bother discussing in or arguing over it, it’s not a safe, acceptable environment for a child. Op you and the child need to live somewhere same regardless.

I am glad you are looking to a future without him.

He is a chaos maker and a very nasty, controlling man. He controls you by simply folding his arms and refusing to make a safe home for the baby, by walking away from discussions, and by dishing out the silent treatment and sulking when you try to make him see sense.

There can never be a future with him. Please don't start second guessing yourself here - he's a liar, and a controlling asshole. When you move out, he will try to get you back - do not give in no matter what manipulation he uses.

Please reach out to your support network, and be gone out of that uninhabitable tip before Christmas. You and your baby deserve much better.

It's not the only issue. It is the product of many serious issues:

• he is lazy
• he lied to you to get you to move in
• he lies to you about the future
• he thinks your role as a woman is to do all the housework and childcare
• he thinks you are lazy and doesn't respect the work you do
• he is nasty to you and tries to shut you down when you bring up issues

And so on, and so on. Don't kid yourself this relationship is good in any way.

Errrr, I'm not. Physical aggression is never ok in a relationship. Can't believe you seem to be trying to justify it.

He hasn't put on a draft excluder I mentioned that today how he can't even do 2 min jobs. He shouted at me to do it. I said fine but where is it as you bought it and said you'd do it. It's now lying next to door for me to fit.

I will probably get blasted by op for saying this but I don't care it is true. At the end of the day no matter how many times you pulled him back it gave him no reason to smash your phone report him to the police for criminal damage also If I was you I would leave him and take your baby and dog

This house is not safe for your child going forward.

This. He has no intention of fixing the house, or of moving. He doesn't care about you and doesn't value your relationship. He wants a free domestic in return for you having your baby.

Stop challenging him. If you confront him like that it will only get more physical.

Bide your time, save the deposit for a 1 bed flat and then get you and your child out. Cut your losses and get away while you are both still unharmed.

You're refusing to listen.

It's not the house. You two are not compatible.

If it was not the house, it would be another issue.

This level of aggression is unacceptable, for any reason. It won't get better. You cannot force him to fix his house. But you can choose to take yourself and your DD out of this unhealthy environment.

He can’t remove nails from the floor of his house so he’s hardly going to have the gumption to go for full custody is he.

No imo, not totally. It cannot be easy to live in a house that is in such a bad state and when you baby starts crawling and walking it quite frankly sounds dangerous.
I also can understand your frustration on his refusal to get going and finish the house - one room at a time will be less daunting. He sounds like he's got used to it being like it and cannot see an issue. I can't see how he thinks this is ok though.

But, despite some of your frustration being justified, how you treat each other is terrible, and you come over as fairly aggressive. You both need to learn how to communicate better, less hot headed and if you can't do that then best to walk away from each other.