AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

£100 for a bike plus £20 (say) for birthday and Christmas comes to £120 annual spend per grandchild. That sounds pretty generous to me but were very much a family where gifts bw members (except for parent to child) are about £25 a time.

Well, without knowing what DH thinks about his parents' behaviour, it's difficult to call whether YABU. I mean, would DH agree that his parents are 'vile', 'revolting', 'scum' and that contact with DGC should be withheld, contact reduced overall and birthdays etc ignored? Perhaps not

I suspect it's as simple, as OP has obliquely indicated, that his parents are aiming for equality between multiple grandchildren and they've overshot by already giving £100 towards his bike. And that generally she doesn't like her in laws.

Maybe OP is BU, maybe she isn't. Who knows 🤷‍♀️

Would the OP have said "Oh, never mind about the bike then," if they had said up-front that the bike spanned two gift-giving occasions?

Good point. I wonder if the birthday child sent his grandparents a thank-you note for their contribution toward his new bike.

Dh has 3 grandchildren and spends £50 each on them Xmas and birthdays. We are comfortable but £50 is plenty.

£120 spend on your grandchild across the whole year is not generous. Im not saying they are obliged to give more but to say its generous is nonsense. My mum has paid, will pay for all her grandkids car insurance as well as all their usual gifts . that's generous!

I can’t imagine thinking like the OP. My DGP always gave me a gift such as an annual and one year it was a zip up pencil case with pens etc inside (I loved it). My DM and MIL bought my DC things that were the equivalent of about £20 today. Myself and my DC had lovely relationships with DGP’s. I couldn’t get worked up about them buying a book for my DC as opposed to what, a £35 toy for example?
Maybe I’m just not into stuff and I think £100 towards a bike earlier in the year when the weather was better is a really nice gesture/gift.
I think it’s really bad form to be expect gifts of a certain value.

What hogwash. The grandparents have multiple children to buy for. Plus their own old age to secure, and god forbid some fun after a lifetime of working. Anything is generous.

Erm.. op has not told us how many grandkids there is. Where did you get multiple from? 🤣 even if they have multiple as you say. They sound very well off. My parents defo dont do three holidays a year.. and whats hogwash exactly. £120 to one child is not generous!! Its tight.

Bollocks. They are bloody mean.

What on earth are ‘runners?’

I would get your husband to politely ask his parents what the budget is for presents so you both can think in future what might be a good present. I have written down exactly what my parents and in laws spend so I can plan it all for our kids

Your parents can do as they choose but that level of giving would be considered bizarre and uncalled for in our family and would be politely refused. And I'd be horrified if one of my children thought that £120 pa wasn't generous and think they had no concept of the value of money.

Another word for trainers.

The drip feed that there are other grandchildren massively changes things. He's already had £100 of a gift, how much do you really expect a 7 year old to receive?
It sounds as if the GPs gave the money then realised the optics, so need to ensure all GCs are treated financially fairly.
You sound a bit grabby.
Giving huge numbers of gifts isn't what wealthy families do traditionally. It's a bit... vulgar.

Sorry but I think YABU. It’s not about what they can afford, they just don’t believe in buying expensive presents several times a year. They were probably brought up like that and have always lived like that. Do they have other grandchildren and are trying to spend equally on each of them?

Edited to say I see now that they do have other grandchildren. Would you have bern happy if they had given £100 for a new bike for one of the others and still given them the same value birthday and Christmas presents as they gave your son?

It’s sneaky of them to now add on ‘it was for Christmas too’. It’s not rare that some people do this - have experienced it the same.
You can’t change them. With these people gifts always become an issue and point of argument so it’s time to move away from gifts altogether. Match the energy.

I agree, that's really mean.
Not quite the same but my I told my mum we were redoing DD bedroom as part of her birthday present & my mum offered to pay half towards the new wardrobe (she knew how much it was & was happy with that). When I later mentioned that the wardrobe had been bought and built, she just randomly said that perhaps she'll help with the cost of the next one instead! We purposely bought a wardrobe that will grow with DD so hopefully we won't need to replace it anytime soon.
My parents are pretty well off, nice house, mortgage free, several holidays a year, always buying stuff for their house. However, as they get older (they've been retired for over 20 years) they're completely out of touch with how much day to day items cost, seem to think I can do a weekly food shop for £30 & therefore can't understand why DH & I don't have as much disposable income as them!! FFS. Sorry, turned into my own rant!!

Yep. Some of the richest people I have known socially or worked for were tighter than a duck's arse. One lady had a gardener who usually worked in the afternoon, but one day he had to come earlier and was there at lunchtime. She made him a cup of tea (as she usually did) then asked if he would like a sandwich. He said yes, she produced one very small sparsely filled ham sandwich for him. At the end of his work, when she paid him, she deducted 50p for the sandwich........there's a reason they're rich...🤣

Surely they're still eating and know how much a weekly food shop costs?.
How much did she pay towards the wardrobe?

Most people with money are tight

Did you not read this by the OP?? He’s 7 and he’s there are other GC which is what my DH thinks is the issue.

We have this and tbh this year they are getting a tin of biscuits as last year we got zero birthday or Xmas not even a card and I absolutely resent that knowing they own several properties they rent out and are just tight as!!!
I even refuse to go for Xmas dinner as you get a pigion portion and one hot drink all day if your lucky!!!

Well said.

It's not "mean" to give modest gifts.

Nope! She goes to the supermarket about twice a year. My dad does the food shop and they pretty much live on yellow label reduced stuff from Waitrose. He does find amazing bargains because he goes in late at night etc when they've reduced the prices right down. Their freezer is absolutely bursting!
They paid nothing towards the wardrobe.