AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

This wouldn’t bother me, £100 towards a bike, a small birthday gift and a book for Christmas sounds fine. I’ve always thought it the parents that buy bigger gifts and DGP’s buy a little extra something.

The greed, envy, avarice and entitlement showing on this thread is off the charts.

To put the other side of the argument speaking as an older person myself…

I think when you are well off but retired it might look like you have plenty to spare but your costs are greater too relatively speaking eg if you have a big house there are more running costs, you need more cleaning help, a gardener, more heating costs. It costs more to renovate and maintain per sq metre. If you run two cars, they both need servicing and repairing and filing with gas.

And every bill comes out of savings or pensions, not earnings. There’s a finite amount! You are never going to get an annual bonus or an opportunity to earn more ever again. Once your savings have gone, they are gone forever.

They also don’t know what their care needs will be in future, This is a big worry for many people,

Also when you are relatively well off people rely on you to donate more cash to charities annually or to your local village fete, or to church or school. You are the one that tends to pay for meals out or entertaining at home, or for train tickets when people are coming to stay. It just goes on and on. It’s a privilege of course but you don’t end up with as much in your pocket as you would think.

Christmas is expensive bc entertaining, present buying and donating fall at the same time,

And if your gc are in their sixties op, they may be of the generation where they think that children have too many toys nowadays as we grew up with very little. Our parents grew up in the war and their habits were handed down to us and there just wasn’t as much choice, variety or consumerism in the 70s as there is now. In other words, when people of your in-laws age were dc and celebrated Christmas themselves, it was normal to receive a book and one toy and that was it more or less!

Leaving all of that aside, I do think it’s a bit mean to shift the present to cover two other events! But that may be a slip of the mind!

Also, remember that your in-laws are well off now because they have worked for thirty years. And they are allowed to treat themselves now that their dc have left home, This may be the first time they have ever had the opportunity to spend money on themselves.

Having said all of the above, plenty of rich people I know penny pinch!

So it’s hard to know which applies in this instance. Maybe they are lacking in generosity of spirit if they aren’t that involved with their gc?

How are they otherwise op? Do they host you a lot? Take an interest in your lives? Are they generally supportive?

Please say this!! 🤭

I was all prepared to say YABU but when I read it I actually felt sad for your son :( they do sound mean. I think it’s fair enough to say he didn’t know at the time the bike was for Christmas and birthday so you will get a little something extra for him else he will
think granny and grandpa haven’t! it’s your DH should be stepping up and speaking to them and pointing this out, not you ideally.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned other grandchildren. Perhaps they have in their mind £50 per child per birthday/Christmas so feels bad to them if they overspend on one dgc. I can see it both ways, just read the many threads on favouritism to see have it feels when older people favour one set of grandchildren.

For the future I would definitely clear up in advance what strings are attached.

"oh right sorry - I thought you said it was his birthday present, but no worries."

Why do people keep saying "strings are attached" ? That implies the OP would be expected to do something in return for the bike.

If you mean that the grandparents weren't clear that the bike cost would be that child's share of the gift budget for all of 2025, that's not "strings." And if they HAD said that, would OP have replied "Oh never mind then, he doesn't really need a bike. Use the money equally on other tat at birthday and Christmas."

They aren't required to explain their budget and spending.

Yabu its not your place to tell them what to spend.
Be grateful your child has grandparents and he gets a gift.

Your post comes across as grabby and entitled and its not their fault you are not as well off as you.

Also, I meant to add below that some gps have a different idea of what is important.

They may feel that presents are a bit of a waste of money and be squirrelling savings away for each gc once they reach 21.

We don’t know if that is the case for op’s pils of course but we do know that dc do not benefit from a lot of material stuff and that gc are entitled to pass on their money in ways they feel are the most useful; they are allowed to make that decision with their own funds.

Most people have a budget in mind per person. My mum spends 50 on each grandchild. For birthdays and xmas.
Maybe ask them what the budget is, then you can pick something.

Tight arses and they keep changing the goalposts - the money was for his birthday… oh it was for Christmas as well. Not read full thread yet but I’d like too 2 things: how much was the bike? Do they have other grandchildren?

Just say you’re sure he will be delighted with what ever they choose for him, that he loves his bike and is very grateful that they helped buy it for him. Stick to the high ground

Maybe have an open conversation with them as follows:
It’s really kind of you to buy DS the bike. He loves it. Going forward can we make an agreement about gifts going forward? Because as kids get older and know more about the world their expectations tend to change.
So for the future we would be happy/prefer if these are the kind of gifts you get the DC for Christmas/birthday and then list things that are no expensive and also useful eg magazine subscription or books or lego.
Maybe they don’t want to embarrass by purchasing really expensive gifts?
I totally agree that gifts should not be based on past gifts.
The alternative is that when then asked this in the future be vague - I’m sure whatever you like to get them will be great or they are into giants/lego/spiderman - what ever it it.

My in laws can be very difficult - and I have been married 15 plus years. I have learnt to let DH deal with it. And to try to emotionally detach as much as I can. It’s just easier. I can’t change their behavior.
It can also be something that happens to older people as they have a pot of money and concerns about it reducing. No way to top it up with work anymore.
But emotional detachment has helped me the most.

If it was to be Christmas and birthday together they need to say this before you say yes. They didn’t so they are being mean.

I think you’ve misunderstood OP’s upset.

It’s not about the price of the gift.

Of course OP would have been happy with the gifts you described.

But that’s not what happened.

The grandparents asked to contribute to a bike.

They then seemed to have regretted that moment of generosity and decided to rescind it by using it as collateral against a birthday gift. They then further compounded their meanness of character by using it as collateral against a Christmas present too.

It is repulsive behaviour. Better had they just kept quiet rather than prove how disordered their thinking is.

Speaking as a much older person myself, and a grandma to more kids than I can count on 2 hands, I still stand by what I said upthread. It is mean and mean spirited, too.

I don't have a great deal of money either, but there's ways and ways of going about things.

I think I can understand this. Originally my thoughts were that they were a bit mean, but it does make sense if your DH has siblings who have children, that they wouldn’t want to be seen favouring one grandchild above the others, and in doing so, perhaps cause resentment between your DH’s siblings. Is it even possible that what seems to be backtracking on their behalf could be the result of a comment by one of their other DC? Just a thought.

An elderly relative used to be very generous to all the grandDC for birthdays/Xmas but has stopped giving more than a token gift to DBs DC now as they never acknowledged receipt or even texted a 10 sec thank you message. She had a very tough upbringing (worked until 70 and now on a pension) and would think £100 is a huge amount for a child to receive. Could your relative be of the same mindset?

On the contrary, the pile on consensus is that they're 'scum', 'revolting' etc

Agree,
Dont worry op your family may get some money when they die.
Until then you'll have to suck it up.
Nobody likes to be told how to spend their cash.

I would feel the same OP
Like others have said I wouldn't want to receive anything else with obvious strings attached.
Are there any other grandchildren /

For Xmas and birthdays my kids got £10 each in a card.
Of course SIL kids were spoilt rotten.
Bumped into MIL and made sure to tell her/remind her that our eldest and her first grandchild would be turning 18 in a few weeks and just wants money and hoping he gets enough to put towards a car ....yes the usual £10 was sent through the post

YABU. They are not required to spend their money on your child. They’ve done their bit with bringing up their own children.

Perhaps the reason they can afford multiple holidays and paid off their mortgage is because they are frugal in other areas. Gifts are just that, gifts. There should be no expectation . . .

To add, I do think it’s a bit of a drip feed to add the info about the other grandchildren, and your DH’s thoughts on this part way through the thread.