AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

This ^
I think your DH should do the “fighting” . He should calmly remind them that they said that the bike contribution was only for birthday not for Christmas. And that it does look unfair and mean.
You should stay out of it.

An offer with stealth conditions that are only revealed after the offer is accepted. I hate people that do that, like they are faking kindness because being kind is not part of their core personality.

Yes, I think she would have.

The grandparents behaviour has been appalling.

What does your partner say? Surely he should talk to them about it.
Frankly my PIL were crap about gifts. They’d ask me to tell them the exact toy out of a catalog and ignored my older stepkids (they didn’t like my DH’s first wife, but one of the boys lived with us so they could see my kids got a gift and they did not, or at most £10 in a card). Birthdays were hit or miss. They were, like yours, comfortably off.
I don’t give my stepsons (now in their 30s) gifts since they’ve both had kids. I get their children gifts instead (their Dad passed away some years ago). I used to get them gifts, but they never got my kids (their half siblings) gifts, who are considerably younger. So I and my kids never expect gifts from anyone other than me! Keeps things simple.

If your son is the only grandchildren that they have bought a bike for, then he has a point.

With several grandchildren you can't afford to do something generous for one, and not do it for the others. On reading your update I've changed my mind somewhat.

FIL got the world's heaviest bike from the tip, gave it a very rough tidy and presented it to my then 8 year old. It was proper solid and uncomfortable to ride even along a flat cycle path.
He's still 10 years later banging on about his generosity.
DH & I had to dispose of it several towns over with a cover story of donation to local cycle charity, what a shame didn't know you wanted it back. FIL had it down as a GC heirloom, he then suggested we contribute substantially to said favourite GC s £700 Isla bike he'd found instead.
One rule for one...
Mine have had a crazy mix of stuff, mostly depending on what the favourite other GC has desired. £25 for turning 18. Favourite GC gets a full tank of petrol every time they turn up , which is at least monthly plus a yearly car service.

Said GC can wipe his arse but I reserve the right to pick his care home. He really should have been nicer to my kids.

They might be rich now, but grew up poor. In their worldview a grandparent buying a bike might be quite a big gift.

Honestly expect nothing from them. Stay out of it. Let their son liaise on their gift giving. Give back at the same level so you owe them nothing.

They do sound self absorbed, but it's possible they were broke too in earlier life and they just see that as part of the path we all trod. In laws 🙄🙄😬🎄, I suggest plenty of booze to get through the festivities.

Quite a lot of people without money are very generous with other people's.

Maybe your dh their son needs to say something

thanks for the money for the bike for gs birthday - didn’t realise it was for Xmas as well as you didn’t say that

I once bought a bike from police sale of confiscated/abandoned bikes, it was €30 I believe. It was heavy and cumbersome I didn't cycle it much.

My sister said she wanted the bike, (probably due to its back story - a talking piece). She arranged for someone she barely knew, who worked in her building to collect it. I walked out and gave it to this bewildered man, he drove it 250 kms back to her city (was passing thru), and delivered the bike to her.

Years later her mad husband started banging on about the cheap bike I ld bought her as a present, cumbersome etc. Telling this story to illustrate how mean I was.

She requested the bike and arranged collection. People are mad.

Tell your in laws, there is no need for gifts, feel free to make a charitable donation of their choosing in place of a gift, if they wish. Easier.

I’d just say ‘and how many other events is the bike going to be a gift for? That makes two…’

There are several stories being told here. One is the fact that the GPs keep adding occasions for which the bike was a present. I would say that that is unreasonable, but I doubt my children would have cared at 7. I would just have said 'Remember - Granny contributed to your bike?' if they mentioned that there was nothing from GPs, and moved on.

Another is that the GPs are 'comfortable' and go on holiday. So what? It's baffling to me how many people with mortgages of their own seem to resent it when others pay off their own houses and spend what would have been mortgage money on themselves. Isn't that what they plan to do in their turn? the point of buying a house is that you don't have so many housing costs in older age. Depending on the age of the GPs they probably have all the material things they need, and prefer to spend on experiences rather than things. I don't see an issue there at all.

Then there is the expectation that presents should be of a certain value. IMO they should cost exactly what the giver wants to spend. I don't have GC, but would keep it fair, as I always did (and still do) with my own children. I don't think that necessarily means spending £X every year. I don't do that for my (adult) children - some years they need something expensive, and I get it if I can, but other years they get something less 'spendy', maybe if I have had a lot of expenditure that year, for whatever reason.

My sister has a lot of GC, and whilst she is reasonably comfortable, she wouldn't be if she spent a lot on all of them, and that is really the parents' role anyway. We see threads about how GPs are stealing parents' thunder by buying expensive gifts, GPs who buy 'tat' that parents don't want cluttering their houses, and so on. It really feels as though they can't do right for doing wrong. If they spend more on one set of GCs they are criticised, but if they equalise it could be very expensive if they've 'overspent' on one of them. Pensioners are on a fixed income, and often have to budget carefully. With several children, GCs, friends, other family and one another, birthdays and Christmases combined can add up to a large expense. If the GPs have budgeted, say £1000 a year, that is £500 for birthdays and the same for Christmas, so it's not going to go very far per child.

Calling people 'vile' and 'scum' for not spending 'enough' on a child is unbelievably entitled, and holding the choice of care home over elderly parents beggars belief. If I knew my children were saying things like that about me, I'd leave my hovel and piggy bank to a donkey sanctuary.

When I was a child, it was very common that a 'big' present like a new bike was for Christmas and birthday. People had a lot fewer things - and they were proportionally more expensive. I think the grandparents are not aware how it would seem to you - they probably think the children have too much already.

How much do they normally spend on a present?

Because my parents normally spend about £40-50 per grandchild. They might stretch to £60 occasionally. But if they'd offered to pay something for £100, then I'd assume that was 2 presents.
They may well have said they'd get smaller presents to make up, and OP heard it as "Birthday" and they meant it as "for birthday and Christmas."

And if they have other grandchildren, then they will be thinking of how to make it fair - I suspect if the Op had heard they had bought something for £100 for another grandchild then she'd have been thinking that wasn't fair.

And a 7yo is more than old enough to understand that grandparents bought an expensive thing, so they've got smaller presents to make up. I got something at around that age that was 2 birthdays and 2 Christmases - something that I wouldn't have got otherwise, and I was happy with that.

If the Op is really bothered then she can use the £100 that they saved by not having to buy the bike frame to buy him a bigger present.

Yeah, she’s given a drip feed half way through the thread that there are actually other grandchildren, and that her DH thinks this may be the reason for his parents change of heart.

As another asked - did he write a thank you note? Thats a huge thing in my family.

£100 for presents for the year seems like plenty, particularly with multiple grandchildren. I wouldn’t like the part where there were unknown conditions around this money and would just not talk to them about money again. Am sure your son loves his bike and would understand if it was the present for the full year, but it’s a bit uncomfortable that they didn’t mention that until now.

They should have handled this better. However, you sound greedy and entitled to me. Your in law’s financial situation in life is none of your business.

Call me old-fashioned, but parents who want stuff for their kids traditionally find a way to earn it, even if it means hustling a second job or side gig.

They don’t eyeball others’ savings and gripe that they aren’t being sufficiently subsidized or critique the number of holidays those funds are being spent on.

Wow, how nasty and spiteful.

Ha ha - so true, but that did make me chuckle

But they knew they had other grandchildren when they contributed towards the bike I assume?

That’s why I wondered if this change of heart had been precipitated by something being said by one of the DH’s siblings (see my previous post ).

I know people who do this, spend exactly the same on each child/grandchild to make it 'fair' (although they secretly pay for other things, so it isn't 'fair' at all!) .. I've never really bought into it, if it is constant behaviour that shows clear favouritism that is one thing, but £100 towards a bike for one this year, might be £100 towards a games console, or driving lessons for one of the others next year etc etc

I do wonder about the grabby nature of people who keep score on what is being spent on others and demand exactly the same!

@ShyMaryEllen
‘Calling people 'vile' and 'scum' for not spending 'enough' on a child is unbelievably entitled, and holding the choice of care home over elderly parents beggars belief. If I knew my children were saying things like that about me, I'd leave my hovel and piggy bank to a donkey sanctuary.’
Totally agree. This is the latest of a few threads sniping about older people and their money. The other week, a poster said she was counting the days until her MIL died. Appalling entitlement and ageism on here.

I know.

Somehow these people who haven't made the right choices / hustled hard enough to fulfill their OWN outsized wants sit here and try to make out that people who HAVE done so are the villains, and the grabbers are the innocent victims. It truly defies belief.

If you want something, work for it, don't eyeball others' bank accounts. Gifts are voluntary, not mandatory.