AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

What do they normally spend on Christmas/Birthday prezzies for the GCs?

You say they like to make sure they're spending the same on all the grandkids - If yours was the only one that got money towards a bike this year, maybe they're balancing the books by getting him a small Christmas present?

There's nothing wrong with a book as a Christmas present anyway, especially if you remind the kid that the bike was a special present from them this year.

It's one thing to ask them for help with something you need, but I don't think it's fair to just expect a family member you view as well off to pick up the slack because you're struggling. It's certainly not right to label them 'mean' for not going overboard with presents.

I don’t think it’s about the value.

When they offered the money it in the summer it was a contribution to a birthday gift.

They’ve moved the goalposts.

But they're not opting out - they are going to get him something small.

I do think I understand your feeling of not being sure what anything means or what the implications/implicit bargains are - could you ask or have a conversation about this?

Guess it is possible the other side of the family kicked off after they found out that the other grandkid got a bike paid partly for by the grandparents.

Hence the grandparents desperately try to back track to even it all up without having to shell out for all of them at once.

No good deed goes unpunished ...

Thread incoming, "grandparents treat grandkids differently ..."

The way it was done sounds mean. If they have a ground rule of around £100 per grandchild per year, fair enough. But how were you to know that the contribution towards the bike was in place of a gift at Christmas as well as for your son's birthday? I'd chalk it up to experience, and turn down any future offers. Your son's probably a bit young to notice he's not getting much spent on him this year, but that will soon change, and it might feel hurtful if he realises he's only getting token gifts in the future.

OP, I agree they are being awful. It's horrible behaviour.

BUT don't turn this thread into a 'people with less money are more generous/people with more money want to spend less', because that's BS.

"I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas."
But they haven't opted out - they've spent £50 on the birthday and £50 on Christmas plus another token gift, personally I think that's more than enough for a 7 year old, a 7 year old doesn't really care about the amount of money spent on them so I don't understand why you are feeling hurt. Sorry, but I think you could be a bit more gracious and grateful for what your son receives.

I feel sorry for them. It’s a huge joy to buy presents for anyone, far less much loved grandchildren.

When people are like this though it's upsetting because you know they are just giving because it's expected and it's convention. They are deriving no joy from it. They aren't enjoying the feeling of treating their grandchild to something nice. They are keeping score and resenting every penny they spend on him. It's vile.

If there are multiple grandchildren then there can be a massive perceived pressure to appear to be being fair.

I think it’s very odd to be retired and comfortable and not to want to help with things like a new bike.

People have their own idea of what they are comfortable present wise and if they are only prepared to get him a book for Christmas then just say thanks for the book.

It’s the experiences people remember not the presents so they are missing out by not spending time with their grandchild. They could not buy him a physical present at all and take him somewhere instead. But if they choose to get a book and not spend any time with him that is up to them. I wouldn’t bother saying anything.

I am not sure what your point is.

I think presents that are for the sake of giving a present .. without any thought of the child receiving .. are pretty pointless.

And I realise that my husband doesn’t expect to receive presents he wants from his parents therefore doesn’t see anything strange about his child receiving the same.

Would say that generosity is in the eye of the receiver. I come from a big family and don’t receive big presents from anyone. I don’t expect to either. What I think is generous extends to the personal touch as well as the £ expended.

I really don't think you can label them 'mean' when without their generosity, OPs kid wouldn't have a bike.

I'd bet the house on the fact that they've gifted that money earlier in the year, then flapped about it being unfair on the other grandchildren and retroactively made it a Christmas and birthday present to balance things out. It's bad communication, sure. But it's cheeky of OP to just assume they will pick up the slack on Christmas presents, then get upset when they don't.

Completely agree. My ILs are pretty well off (multiple houses etc) but probably the tightest people I’ve ever come across… It infuriates me. The sort of people to share a cup of coffee at Wetherspoons on the rare occasion they pay for anything when out and about. But more than happy to take from others when offered.

They are well off because they are tight.

They are as mean and as tight as hell.

Mean, and it wasn't even a whole bike.

I agree. I come from a big family, and only got small gifts my whole life. I still have happy memories of birthdays and Christmas, though.
My children never had grandparents, so perhaps I have a different perspective from the OP and others.

I think Christmas present giving really divides opinion. I have one friend with three grandchildren who will buy them each maybe, a book and a pair of pyjamas. My other friend has three adult children and six grandchildren and probably spends £5000 or more. They both probably have similar finances just choose to spend at completely different levels.
My DM who died 15 years ago would have a limit of £20 per grandchild. She died very suddenly leaving each grandchild about £30,000.

It was like a matter of pride for my parents to spend as little as humanly possible on presents for their grandchildren. They were not particularly well off but as someone else expressed on here, it was the self -congratulatory air they had about the crap bits of plastic they presented every year to my kids. They knew it was cheap and were proud of their 'thrift'.

Mean with gifts, mean in spirit.

You aren't ungrateful, you are annoyed that they are moving the goalposts. My MIL and to a certain extent my own mother used to do this. Make a grand generous gesture and then "pay themselves back" by withdrawing from other things they would normally buy, like Christmas presents.

I think they like the gratitude and grandiosity of making what seems to be a very generous gesture (even though once it's clawed back by saving on other things they would normally commit to, it's not that amazing). With my MIL in particular I think sometimes she did this (moving the goalposts) if she felt you hadn't been vocally grateful enough. My mum would do it as a way of controlling things. I used to get an allowance as a teen and was supposed to buy my own clothes out of that, learn to budget etc. But sometimes she'd buy me a spontaneous present like a dress or coat. I'd say thanks very much (though would prefer to choose my own) and then find out next month the cost had been subtracted from my allowance. I probably sound a right spoilt brat! But it was the moving of goalposts - here is some money to make choices with, oh, I've made them for you!

Sorry I'm waffling on but what I think I'm trying to say us that it seems they made it look like an extra generous gesture to your son but he's kind of paid for it himself in lieu of birthday and Christmas presents. Had you or he been asked you might have said no don't worry about contributing, just stick to the usual plan for gifts.

Oh, please. You are fabricating motivations and emotions, and attributing them to coomplete strangers. It's absurd.

Just because the OP thinks her in-laws have plenty of money and should spend it on her kids doesn't mean that's the truth.

You weren't waffling on, @honeylulu you were showing support and understanding to the OP.

It sounds like they weaponise their wealth and have no inclination to make life easier for you or buy DC nice gifts. This is an issue with control. Meet them with easy breezy ‘oh yes, fine DS gets a lot of presents at Christmas anyway!’
Honestly do not rise to this weird power trip.
My Mum does shit like this and trust me, the best response is no response

Wow, Scrooge has entered the building… The £100 bike was generous for sure but you didn’t even ask for it. I don’t think one present can count for both birthday and Christmas ever. It isn’t right when someone has a birthday close to Christmas and this happens but your DS’s birthday was months ago. They’re just being tight and you’re right, it’s mean spirited especially since he’s 7 and Christmas will still be big and magical.