AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

Generally i think its wrong to assume your entitlement level gift wise because you percieve someone as comfy.

However I think its wrong to gift money then repurpose it. Unless they said "we can buy a bike but it will be a Christmas and birthday gift.." and then you/your son can decide if its what he wants, then its unreasonable

As an oldie, first of all the OP mentioned that they like to spend on themselves, good it's their money however I do like to treat my family. It's not that we want you to "suffer" like we did we want you to step up to being an adult

How did the subject of the bike and the £100 come about in the first place? Did you mention you were going to buy him a bike and the in-laws said “we’ll put £100 towards it” or was it them who suggested buying the bike?

They are cheap.

That's it.

My in laws are the same. Always talking about their holidays etc but only spend around £20-£50 for birthdays and Christmas. I find it fascinating, honestly. Especially as I know they treat their other (older) grandkids to big Lego sets which are about £70-100 each. And take them out for dinner and an 'activity' as well.

It doesn't bother me unduly, a bit narked at the imbalance and an eye raise about all the holidays but it's their choices I guess.

Can someone tell me why older people going on holiday gives rise to so much angst, please?

I'm not a great fan of holidays personally, and I do find people talking about them all the time boring, but I don't see them as a waste of someone else's money, and can't imagine getting upset about how other people spend their own cash. Also, when younger people go on holiday it's called 'travel' and is seen as a good thing. Why the difference?

I don’t think it the holidays that are causing angst, it’s the vulgarity of talking about expensive holidays to people who aren’t in a position to go on them. Read the room.

Perhaps you should step up to not being so condescending.

This generation are going through things you never did.

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Yeah, I get that, but the implication is definitely that the GPs should buy more expensive presents because they can afford to go on holiday. I don't see the link.

It's their money, and maybe they couldn't afford to go on holiday if they splashed out on presents for grandchildren - maybe after a lifetime of providing for their own kids. Even if that's not the case, there is no clear link between going on holiday and buying presents, and 'they are always going on holiday' is so often used against parents and in-laws, as though they shouldn't do it, and I'm asking why not.

Remember the thread has been shaped by an OP where the grand parents have behaved appallingly.

That is colouring the whole thread and responses.

If OP had posted saying her child only got a £50 gift for Birthday and £50 for Christmas, she would be rightly slated.

They haven't behaved appallingly, come on. They didn't sign a legal contract; they spontaneously offered and then after the fact probably assessed "we can't afford to do that much for all the kids; let's make that his b-day and Christmas gift as well... and get him a book as something to open on Christmas."

That is hardly "appalling." No one is obliged to give any sort or level of gift.

I don't think it was great to give money and then say it was to cover several present-giving occasions, but as said above, they are under no obligation to give at all.

My question was more general though - I have seen so many posts on various threads that object to older people going on holiday, and I've never understood why. My parents went on a lot of holidays when they retired, partly as they didn't go far when they had children at home, and partly because they didn't know how to much longer they'd be able to do it. It was a wise decision, as my father died a couple of years after he retired.

you are upset they are choosing to spend their money the way they want to?
not mean at all - your son got a bike. I think it would have been cheeky to expect something else!

The grandparents likely couldn’t afford big holidays on their child rearing years, either.

But they didn’t begrudge others or insinuate the money would be better spent on greedy onlookers.

What’s vulgar is entitled , grabby, envious people spitefully sniping about retired people finally looking after themselves and enjoying the fruits of their lifetime of labour, frugality, planning.

Cheap because they provided £100 toward a bike? A bike the child’s parents should have worked and budgeted to provide…

Right.

So many mumsnetters are so eager to pick other people’s pockets.

Nonsense. Have a word with yourself.

Why do you think they are well off? They may not be. Many people who own their own house and just manage to make their income last are unlikely to tell anyone they are not as well off as they appear.

Depending on their age, they may have already sold the equity in their house. They will still own it, because that is the sort of mortgage which isn't repaid until death.

Why do you think a present for £100, even between a birthday and Christmas is stingy because you think they can afford more? Assuming people are better off than they are is a common fault nowadays and causes pain and sorrow.

Perhaps if they were more lavish they would set a bad example to you and DS? They are wise to save for retirement if they are not already retired. Who knows what the future brings? Ms Reeves alone is enough to worry a population.

House values rise, but that doesn't mean the people who own them are rich. I wish Ms Reeves would understand that. It takes a lot of money to maintain a house too, and as people age, their costs rise, for heating for example. Tradespeople want more and more money for repairs compared with just a few years ago.

Threads like this always brings out the worst in some posters.

If you looked at them further, you may find they have less money because they do not know how to save for the future and give fancy presents to impress in the here and now.

They are not to be congratulated for generosity, rather the opposite.

I would like all those posters who think the inlaws are tightfisted to come out and say how much money they spend on presents and why.

I find this weird chip on one's shoulder 'I think anyone with a hint of more money than me needs to do what I say with the money' odd, also people who make up backstories to fit whatever weird narrative they have going on, maybe anyone who does this needs to work on whatever issues they have going on themselves, there is so much bitterness going on if people want more money then make changes to your life and work on it out yourself

ILs are not a bank

It’s not nonsense. There are myriad threads on any given week by young people who begrudge older people their savings/lifestyle, and seem to think they (the younger generation) are owed a cut.

Those who want things need to get out there and earn them. Not expect continual handouts from their elders.

Agree. Some people need to learn more about self-discipline, delayed gratification and hard work.

I am surprised the vote is in favour of wanting more at someone else's expense.

Do you give presents to your inlaws, parents?