AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

I am not surprised at all, it feels an ever increasing case of people wanting to milk what they can out of people and therefore it following down to the next generation, peoples worth only seems to be what they give another

I'm always sad & annoyed when people who are really well off are the cheapest, tightest, meanest buggers you've ever met...but that's life.
If we're lucky, karma will somehow get them.

It is mean and id feel slighted. However, it is their right. In future, if they offer to contribute to a gift, decline.

I would just say ‘Thank you, a token would be lovely’
Yes, they are tight, but you can be the bigger person.
I’ve known people, especially elderly, who have very firm rules about giving - my uncle has never taken into account inflation, so the £5 a month 30 years ago, for eldest great niece, is still the same for the most recent.
I always think, he doesn’t have to give anything at all, it’s his money.
The tax man will have a field day when he dies.
Your son will get plenty for Xmas, and just say to him ‘Say thank you to Grandma for the book token she kindly gave you’ so that he knows it’s important to be grateful, even if you think she’s miserly.

He’s tight with himself as well - he’s has no heating and lives in ancient clothes.
We’ve bought him electric heaters and blankets, but he is reluctant to use them - he’s 77, so not very very old.

It does sound a bit mean, but you lost me with -

"They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways."

Typical socialist approach.

Why? Wouldn't that be a forever resentment?

How do you know if someone is really well off?

It's the casual ageism so prevalent on Mumsnet 🤷‍♀️

Resentment. They have brought up their families and want to do things for themselves as they are running out of time.

Children resent that. I have heard some say 'you have children for life and should help them always'.

I wonder if the end of the two child cap will bring more children and more resentment, or just give more money to those who have already built up a lot of children?

Better the government did away with child benefit entirely and gave all children a free school dinner. At least then the children would benefit.

You’re repeatedly missing the point that no one asked the GPs for the bike. They stepped in and created all this confusion and bad feeling all on their own. It would have been better had they just given a book and kept their mouths shut.

The irony of you complaining about resentful people and then to go on resenting people who get child benefit was hilarious. Woman, know thyself.

Did you even bother to read what the GPs did?

Did you even bother to read what the GPs did?

i dont think the amount spent is mean
but i guess it was a shock to you as you werent expecting it

Sorry but I was thinking a book is a nice Christmas gift from grandparents.

Definitely mean. And annoying!

This poster's lengthy (and often derailing) contributions on other threads often berate posters for being unkind and unchristian. As she is a practising Christian, I'm appalled that she wishes to remove Child Benefit from even the very poorest children.

Would the child have the bike if the grandparents had not contributed?

If the OP were capable of buying the bike herself, why did she take their cash?

You're right there.

My DM is by far the worst off out of all the GPs but also by the most generous.

Our DC are the eldest GC.

My FIL and his wife (my DHs stepmother) are well off, get out DC absolutely nothing. Didn't even acknowledge our eldest's 18th birthday. They've also never been there for us, never visit. So now we don't visit them.

On the other hand they spoil their joint GC something rotten. Look after him all the time.

It hurts.

Is £50 for Christmas and birthday considered a small amount for grandparents?

My mum has got my son something he desperately wants for Christmas and it is nearly £100. As a result he'll get a token gift for his birthday in March.

He knows this and is happy with it. I feel a bit bad because it's more than the usual spend but she will make his day.

I guess because it's part of a present it perhaps doesn't feel quite the same as they didn't buy it outright. But it feels pretty generous, especially if they have multiple grandchildren.

I only spend around £20 on my niece's and nephews.

Me too. I guess that's why they have less 🤔

I agree that £50 is fine from a grandparent. I think this would have been fine if it had been communicated better. Rather than giving the money and then retrospectively saying that he wouldn't be getting a Christmas present.

That’s why they have less money!

But seriously, they have shown you who and how they are, so just pull back a little and make sure that they only get token presents in return (and don’t let them “contribute” to any more presents - make a list so that if you are asked what to get the GC, you have a ready response next time, too).

TBH my own parents were a little like this, so I’ve rebelled against their attitude with my own DC and on the whole, Christmas and Birthdays at my house are much more joyful affairs than my childhood ones!