New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

I loathe smoking and vaping so would never see anyone who did either of those things.

So save him the bother and dump him. He has no business moving your stuff or telling you what you can and can't do

I am assuming it’s a woman hiding the vape which is why OP is being so dismissive.

I think it’s often easier to see controlling behaviour when a man does it.

Love it....
This exactly...

Its nothing like a glass of wine, a piece of cake or an outfit.

Some of us find vaping repulsive and it inflicts it on others so much more than a glass of wine etc. The closest of your examples would be taking that bottle of wine and pouring it over your partners head every time.

Agree the partners actions are controlling but its not remotely the same

Pouring a bottle of wine over a partner’s head would be assault.

Its exactly the same. The partner doesnt like it and is using manipulative tactics to get op to stop the behaviour they dont approve of instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings.

It's a fair enough assumption on a forum where the vast majority of posters are straight women

You said, "....hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.", and
"...they've hidden it again".

How many people are you talking about? You said "DP" a couple of times which sounds like one, and then talk about more than one.

You don't live together so it is none of his/her business whether or not you vape. Tell your partner that, make it clear and if there is no co-operation, ditch.

I think OP is talking about her partner and friend when she says ‘they’.

Oh god he sounds really fucking annoying, get rid before he finds something else he thinks he should have control over.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthreadif you come back to this /keep reading. One thing to keep in mind- new-ish relationships shouldn’t need work.

For me it would not matter whether it was over vaping, smoking, drinking or whatever. I do not allow others to control me in my own home. I had enough of these kinds of mind games when I was living with my parents.

Can you not see what others have pointed out so ably? The manipulative behaviour will quickly creep into other spheres. Soon it may be financial or sexual abuse. You will not notice until ite too late. The fact that you do not see these obvious red flags tells me that he has already gone far along the path of grooming you

👋🏻 I used they pronouns in my reply because gender wasn’t specified.

he's a controlling knob and you two aren't compatible.
get rid (also your friend snitched on you? get rid of "friend" also)

Yeah. Sly as fuck. Chip away at anything that gives your victim comfort or control over their lives or stress levels.

Having a huge row isn't the worst thing that can happen in a relationship.

If someone finds repulsive then they can leave the relationship.

You don’t get to control someone just because you disagree with their choices.

It absolutely IS worth ending a relationship over. Who does he think he is? He’s controlling and deals in double standards, and you say there are other red flags too..? Just no

I think I’d tell him, look - this is who I am. You don’t get to police me, try to mould my behaviour into what you want, or hide my things in my own home. If you want to constructively help me with things [stopping vaping, reducing drinking etc] and I want that too then that’s very different. So, if you want a non-vaping partner and that’s a deal breaking issue then off you go to find one.

Bloody hell I think vaping is grim and hate the smell and I would never dream of acting like this! Honestly dump them, if they think this is an ok way to behave over something they don’t like it will only get worse!

This

If you put up with it he will carry on controlling you in other ways

True, but when an OP on here uses they/them it’s nearly always a lesbian relationship. The split is probably about 80% lesbian relationship, 10% male OP hiding that he’s posting here, 10% OP is simply terrible at writing and everything they post is vague and confusing.

Since she’s so dismissive about it and doesn’t feel threatened by her partner’s behaviour the partner is probably another woman. That’s also an unfortunate theme on these threads.

Did you not read the last sentence where i said their actions were controlling?

That was after you compared it other controlling behaviours and said it isn’t the same - of course it’s the same.

You wouldn’t go and hide a work colleague’s vape, so why is it acceptable to do it to someone who you’re meant to love and respect.