New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

Add it to the red flag list, hitch the flags to a boat and tell them to sail away and tell them to sail away out of your life.
Wake up, you don’t need this, the strain of always having to justify yourself or temper your behaviours on the say so of another will drive you into the ground

He sounds controlling yes. You're not allowed to vape in front of him but you're not allowed to do it away from him either as it's dishonest.

You can't win really. You vape and you're not stopping. Keep several so he can't steal them. Or better yet chuck his sorry ass.

Advice for addressing the issue without causing a huge row.
Listen, partner. I'm a grown women. I choose to vape. Accept it, or don't.

Added to which, OP has been going through a stressful time personally, perfect timing for a controller to do some nudging, With the help of a friend no less,

With the vape, a controlling person will claim they were hiding it because they were concerned about your health (as a cover for being controlling/abusive) they'll also get a kick out of you searching for it.

A thoughtless, oblivious person might actually hide the vape out of genuine concern..tone deaf to the fact thats a massive crossing of boundries im your own home.

If there have been any other signs at all of similar behaviour id say its the former and they'll likely become abusive over time..

And if its the latter..okay, less malicious..but do you really want to be with someone with so little emotional intelligence.

His behaviour is absolutely controlling. If you stay with him and accept him hiding your vape, it will escalate to other things he "doesn't like".

This is most like the thin end of a wedge.
"Controlling" personality Partners usually follow it up with another rule like no cake or alcohol on some days. Not worth making a fuss over individually but together your world is made smaller.

It's not a him, it is a binary (or non-binary I forget which it is) because OP refers to "they". "They" means more than one gender.

I’m not the type of person to leave over things like this and yes I’ve had therapy but it’s just not in my nature to do that.

is not some sort of badge of honour. OP, I think you are being deliberately blind to what everyone is saying about what is obvious controlling behaviour and minimising it like people are suggesting ending a 30 year marriage because DH left the loo seat up once.

Next time they “pull you up on it” just say “I will not be told what to do by you. I don’t want to have this conversation again”.

Take it from there.

'Im not the type of person to leave over something like this'

Therein lies your problem

But would this class as controlling?

Well, of course it fucking would.

If he hates vaping, fine. He can say that he hates it and it's up to him to decide whether he hates it enough to end a relationship over. He can also say that you can't vape in his home.

But hiding your vape? 'Pulling you up' on the fact that you've vaped while out with friends? That's incredibly controlling, infantilising and horrible. He needs to fuck off.

The fact that you also have 'other red flags' that you haven't mentioned makes me think you're being very, very naive about this relationship.

Oh wind your neck in, you GF

I'm also not a fan of vaping and smoking (my DH smokes) but there is no chance in hell I will be disrespecting him by hiding his cigarettes. You are right it's not about the vaping, it's about attitude and respect. He is treating you like a child - as if hiding it will resolve the issue and he is the one who knows best where yoy are concerned. Since ending the relationship has been mentioned and you have said you have some concern about controlling behaviour, I would consider artificially creating some situations to see what his reactions will be and how he handles conflict. This will help you in deciding if the things he does are a deal breaker. Better push it a bit to know now rather than 2-3 years down the road. Best of luck.

Do you live together op? I'd hate a partner to start vaping in my house.

I also think smoking or vaping would be a deal breaker for me in a relationship (because I used to smoke and wouldn't want to be around it now as I know that would be a slippery slope for me, plus the smell etc). So in that respect I can see their side in that if I was dating someone I really liked and cared about for that long then they started doing that I'd probably struggle to break up over it but also wouldn't support it at all.

Ultimately though it's your choice and if they hate it that much they should just break up with you rather than playing games over it.

If there's other things in the relationship that aren't sitting well with you then you need to listen to your gut. It's one thing to want to work at a relationship you're committed to, but you always need to ask yourself if they are putting the same amount of work in off their own bat without you having to ask them to do it. If they aren't then it's not worth your effort. You can't create a healthy relationship without equal buy in and effort.

So sorry, I wouldn't accept this behaviour from a partner.

It could well progress to him not liking your clothes, or you wearing make up - or your friends. My stepmother told me she was 'timed' when she went out shopping and beaten if she was late back, it started small with her too.

If you do want to stop, I recommend the '12 week no smoking scheme' that comes up in March. They phoned me every week, had patches delivered to my local Boots, and were very supportive. I did put on weight and they recommended the Mediterranean diet which I did - I lost the stone fairly quickly. I went to NZ and was so glad not to vape anymore as you cannot board Singapore Airlines with any gear. I went to NZ and had a wonderful time ... then caught Covid for the first time and spent four days on my own in Queenstown. Very interesting time for me wandering about alone, I learnt a lot about the Maori. Two years later I've just had Covid again and I'm not recovering as well, think that first bout did some damage.

Good luck!

I mean, i find vaping or smoking pretty gross to be fair. I wouldn't hide them from you, i'd just not be in a relationship in the first place.

It's certainly a bit controlling but probably from the point of view that he knows it isn't good for you, but people are going to continue doing what they're addicted to anyway and will only change when they are ready to do it for themselves.

Why are you so willing to put up with this? He's not your boss and it's not his house.

Please look into the Freedom Programme - you don't need a big reason to end any relationship: Source: share.google/k6oBDrN1Rxw5aM99o

Of course this sort of controlling behaviour is worth ending the relationship over. This is not a good person. You aren’t just being controlled you’re being openly judged and your behaviour adapted as though you were a child. Imagine being told off and scolded by your partner for this.

OP, if your partner then decides they don’t like like you drinking and starts hiding your wine what would you say then? What if you wanted to go out and they hid your car keys? It’s shocking behaviour.

It's not about a vape. It's about control.

You gave them the ick and instead of leaving they tried to control you.

They hid your vape instead of accepting you or leaving you and you tolerated it. Can you see what this says about their mindset? Their belief that they have the right to control you, make decisions from you and make you powerless.

Agree with others. Next it will be what you wear, who you see, where you go. Can't go out because the car keys of door keys have disappeared.

You said it's not worth leaving a relationship for, I would disagree even if they apologised, immediately sought help and promised not to do it again. But they haven't done that, they think you are property to control. What happens when you can't be controlled with words and hiding things. Violence?

Plenty of people are teetotal, and alcohol's hardly great for the body, but they don't treat their friends and partners like this for taking a glass of wine.
I'd invite him round for a drink, before pouring it down the sink and then tell him he's dumped.

Yes, what if he decided he wanted you a little slimmer and your favourite chocolate bar goes missing. Just for your own good.

Get rid of him. It's not just the comments and the hiding your vape, it's the fact that you were trying to hide it from him, in your own home. So yes he's controlling.

Love the way everyone assumes it’s a he

I’m not the type of person to leave over things like this

OP this is really concerning!

Do you work?
If so, do you regularly hide your co-workers tools or stationary because you don’t like them using them?

Do you do it to family members?

You wouldn’t find this acceptable if a colleague, friend or family member did it - so why is it ok for a partner??