New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread good luck sorting this out.

the fact that you say about your partner “There’s no way I’d have a say over their choices as a) they’re extremely strict on boundaries and free will and b) it’s not for me to say”

but they don’t allow you a boundary and the free will to behave as you choose with your own body is astonishing. If you did this to them with their alcohol or something how would they feel and act?

Whilst they might dislike you vaping and have made it clear it is absolutely not on them to hide your vape etc. if they don’t like it that much - then their choices are leave or put up with it. This is making me feel uncomfortable that they feel it’s ok to act like this with someone they don’t even live with. They are not helping with the stressful period of your life you are going through by adding to it with this behaviour. They might feel they are trying to do their best for you but you are an adult and it’s not on them to do this. Sorry I’m just very angry about this! 😂

Are their other niggles starting to show? They’d be getting smacked bloody handsies if they tried that with me. And I speak as an ex smoker who dislikes vaping intensely. It’s your bloody choice and right. Good luck sausage. Sorry about the bun fight occurring around us.

You started vaping months into the relationship? That’s not great when you're dating someone you know doesn’t like it. If you won’t stop and they hate it and you hate being told to stop, then either you or they should probably walk.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread partner should dump you. Smoking/inhaling anything is grim. Dump partner for red flags, obviously.

It's controlling. It doesn't matter what it is. A glass of wine, a piece of cake, an outfit yiou wear, a friend you see. Your partner has no right to shape your life to suit theirs.

You don't sound compatible. I wouldn't date a smoker or vaper so he needs to either tolerate it or move on if you are not planning on stopping vaping.

You've been with them a year. Seriously don't mend something so broken.

Good luck op. It wont get any better and it will escalate to other areas of your life. Instead of taking responsibility for enforcing their own boundaries and red lines they'll just weaken yours until you dont recognise yourself anymore.

If they were conflicted and only concerned for the OP's health and wellbeing they'd be having an adult discussion about it, not hiding her "toy" like a 5 year old 🙄

Personally I don't like vaping or smoking - mostly because of the health risks. But in a relationship neither person can be controlling. I'd dump his sorry arse - he is trying to control you. Imagine this is how it's going to be for as long as you're with him, playing some silly game of "hide the vape" or whatever else he does like. You'll resent it and he's not worth it.

Weed vape?
surely he knew about it before?

oh and leave him ffs.

You don't know that the DP hiding came before the OP's lying. OP admitted she didn't take up smoking until several months into the relationship. Knowing DP views its quite likely she tried to conceal this new habit to partner first. Also pretty unfair to take up a habit that you know your partner is dead against. It's why dating sites put emphasis on 'are you a smoker?', 'would you date a smoker?'. People usually have strong opinions on the subject. OP should have been honest and upfront about becoming a regular smoker and asking DP if it would be a dealbreaker. DP also needs to accept the reality that OP is a smoker and have decided if that was a dealbreaker instead of behaving childishly.

Sounds more like the friend for DP than you. Dump DP and friend.

This is the important bit
This is not going to work for both of you
End it, now

Why are you hanging onto this relationship? What would it take for you to walk away? You say there are other red flags. You are clearly incompatible, you want to vape and he doesn't want you to. Of course it's controlling when he hides your vape so you can't use it, or tells you off for using it behind his back. Seriously OP, is this what you want?

OP - you Dont have to tell us what the other red flags are; the fact that you have noticed them is enough.
Hiding your stuff because they don’t like it. Unacceptable.

See I Am ... Victoria on Channel 4. The one with Vicky McClure. Its control without violence, just small red flags. You lose control on this then the next battle will be food/clothes/friends etc

I can't see how anyone can advise you on discussing it without a row,surely that's dependent on your dp's reaction?

The fact that you can't discuss it without expecting a row is also a red flag.

I don't understand how you centric see that it is controlling? Your dp has literally taken away your choice and freedom over whether you vape or not, and is not allowing to to vape.

Yes it is controlling. And you say there are other red flags? Just dump him.

Love, this IS worth ending a relationship over. It’s ONLY a year in. There are other red flags.

in a normal relationship, there would be none

there is no “work to do” on this relationship, he’s showing you who he is.

ALREADY!

it takes on average 18m to 2 years for a controlling/manipulative/abusive to show themselves

the earlier this stuff happens, the WORSE these people are.

you need to get out of this. You know this.

don’t be an idiot and fall for the sunk cost fallacy, it’s a year, it’s nothing in the greater scheme of things and spend any longer and you’re making a mug of yourself

I know you only want advice about the vape. Problem is the vape is irrelevant - your partner doesn't lile your choices and rather than simply expressing that is behaving in a controlling sneaky manner, because if you confront him he can play it out in a I was just messing about way. Assert yourself and make it clear its your choice. Or we will see you back here in a year complaining you have no friends left because your partner makes awful jokes so no one wants to hang around or he gets in a huff when you mention meeting anyone and its easier just not to go 🙄

Also op i see it was a mutual friend that told your partner you had vaped.

So partner either asked them to report back if you vaped, or the partner is so very vocal about vaping generally the friend felt obliged to let partner know.

Im no detective but if partner was indeed so against it that the friend felt it necessary to inform them, then it doesnt fit that your partner would just be hiding your vapes instead of keeping to their stance they are so open about that a pal felt they needed to know.

So seems to me the partner asked mutual friend to grass if they saw you vaping.

It's perfectly reasonable to not want to have a partner who smokes or vapes but.... obviously this is not how you go about dealing with it.

Run the fuck away OP and don't look back. Why would you put up with a new partner who doesn't have basic respect for you.

"Things like this" = coercive controlling behaviour and the belief that their wants and needs trump yours. It is of course entirely your choice whether to stay in this relationship but I urge you - please don't allow this person to normalise this kind of behaviour.

I spent 13 years in a coercive controlling relationship and it destroyed my mental health and self esteem. I can't believe I stuck at it so long. Please don't be me OP. You can do so much better than this 💐

It most certainly is worth ending a relationship over. You are a grown adult and this arsehole is trying to control you.

Dump the prick