New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

He shouldn’t hide it. But, vaping is hugely unattractive, chavvy and anyone who does it looks desperate.

But it's not hiding the vape that's the worst issue, it's that they think their wants, needs and preferences trump yours! How dare anyone do that to you? It won't stop here. My ex was like this and I used to find books I collected in the recycling boxes!

Please get away from them, it's a great big sign of things to come.

agreed. You will end it sooner or later anyway because he's a controlling arse, and then you will wish that you'd ended it sooner. Just saying.

It really is worth ending the relationship for. He thinks he can tell you what to do. It will only get worse. If you don't want to end it straight away, try tit for that. Pick something he likes (favourite alcoholic drink maybe) say you hate the smell and hide it.

That's really cruel and unnecessary. More fool you for judging by appearances.

If you have asthma, you really shouldn’t be vaping. But it’s your choice, and he has no right to stop you by hiding it.

Today it's the vape. In six months it will be what friends you are allowed to see. Then it will be what you wear. Where and when you go without him. What you eat. What you cook.
Of course it's worth it for a vape, you are already afraid to stand up to him about something that you choose to do IN YOUR OWN HOME!
It's not worth it = I'm a bit afraid of him when he's angry.

Did they know you vaped from the start of your relationship?

on one hand, I am 100% with them in that I think that vaping is disgusting, and it gives me the massive ick.
unfortunately, my partner has taken up vaping every now and then over the last couple of years.

as we are 13 years in to things, I won’t leave him over it, but he knows that when he does vape he needs to keep his distance physically.
He certainly wouldn’t vape in the house, so I’ve never come across one to hide.
he does stop, but then something stressful will happen at work and he’ll start again - instead of smoking. Which I actually think I’d prefer! 😂

There is no need for dishonesty. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck off. Op can do what she likes in her own home.

How is he strict on boundaries and free will and hiding your vape? OK just his free will then.

It really is worth it. What will come next once he's got you to stop vaping because? will he hide your car keys because he doesn't like who you're going out with? Hide food from you because he thinks you need to lose weight? He has decided how he wants you to behave and is putting things in place to make sure you fall in to line. The fact that you think you telling him not to do it would 'cause a huge row' is also a red flag. You should be able to say to him "stop hiding my stuff. I will decide if and when I give up vaping, not you" without him getting angry, surely?!

Nailed it.

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread yes - dump him and - why did your friend tell him? If it was a bit of a joke that might be one thing but otherwise? Dump them as well!

I absolutely loathe smoking and vaping
BUT your partner's behaviour over this is absolutely out of order.
How dare he tell you what to do?
How dare he treat you like a child without freewill ?

I agree with pp. This is not about the vaping: it's about his attitude to you and him trying to control you. And it is very serious and very much worth ending your relationship over.

Nope. This will only get worse.

There’s no way I’d have a say over their choices as a) they’re extremely strict on boundaries and free will and b) it’s not for me to say

So they're strict on THEIR boundaries and THEIR free will and it's not for YOU to say...What about YOUR boundaries, YOUR free will and THEM saying? Sounds very one sided to me.

Nope, get rid.. Sorry, he's controlling. Vape now, what's next? Who you see, what you wear, what you eat?

Someone who is into you in a healthy way will just sigh and tut over a vape, but they will accept you for who you are, warts and all.

It was a mutual friend. Thanks for the responses they’re definitely food for thought. I will most definitely be keeping an eye out for further controlling behaviours (history of this from them but they openly admit and actively work on undoing patterns in life overall)

the chavvy comment - 😂😂!! I’m definitely not a “chav” (how dated!) god forbid I get a little buzz from flavoured air every now and then. I do alright for myself but if a stranger online thinks I’m rough then…I’ll live.

Don't let them move in with you, like ever,

And op this sentence "Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc" shows lack of self awareness on their part.

They seem puzzled you hide vaping from them, but cant see you do that because they are seriously controlling over it and it was their choice to continue a relationship with a vaper.

This will escalate to "you never told me you were meeting XYZ for coffee, i cant trust you", this then slowly trains you into being worried every time you do something they might not approve of.

Plenty of MNers will know what im on about there.

It actually is worth ending the relationship over because it's controlling behaviour.

Re-read what you've typed there..
It's your home, your choice and you're allowing someone else to tell you what to do. You don't think it's worth ending a relationship over but it absolutely IS worth having a huge row over, which you'reworried about having! You're not setting boundaries, you're setting yourself up for more escalated controlling behaviour!

It’s controlling and abusive. My ex used to do it with my phone. He didn’t like he being on it around him and thought it was rude so he’d hide it when I was out of the room. It started like this and got much worse and much more abusive. Leave the relationship.

Dump this person. If you stopped vaping they would find something else to criticise and control. And I say this as someone who personally hates vaping!

WTAF? Why would you do that? Never give excuses, If OP wants to vape she can and if someone doesn't like it, that's tough. P sounds a bit of a knob if he's 'displaying other red flags'. You don't give in to a twat like that.
Shut the door behind you Joe.