New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

In a similar vein, my now ExDH hid a box of chocolates that had been given to me about a year into our relationship. He felt I shouldn’t have them as I was, in his opinion, too fat. At the time I was so young and lacking in self worth that I kinda believed him but I do remember being furious and deep down knowing it was wrong. He turned out to be a controlling bullying bastard so those posters suggesting it’s a red flag are right.

You're an adult.

He knows you vape. He chose to date you anyway.

He hides your vape because he doesn't want you to vape.

You're starting to hide your vaping from him because you feel his disapproval.

Do you see the issue there?

He's trying to control your behaviour through childish methods. What gives him the right to hide something that belongs to you? Why does he think he can control your behaviour?

He can stop dating you if he can't stand the vaping.

I'd get rid of him just because he's both immature and controlling. It sounds like there's other red flags that you won't get into because you know you'd be told to run.

FYI OP elobrated that she didn't smoke when they met and only took it up 5 months into the relationship. That doesn't change that he has behaved childishly, but it does invalidate your 'he choose to date you anyway' arguement since OP is hiding from DP how frequently she smokes. This could affect his ability to make a fully informed decision on the relationship (perhaps he would accept a once a month smoker, but not a daily smoker).

Clearly their views on smoking don't allign, so they're better off in other relationships, but also they'd do well to be more open and honest with future partners.

I saw that. But he's chosen to stay after she started vaping and he's being controlling rather than set his own boundary of I don't date smokers or vapers and abide by that.

Dump them. It may be a vape now, but what happens when this partner doesn't like something you wear, or how you choose to spend money or who your friends are? This is a massive red flag. You could discuss it and let them know it's unacceptable but this is absolutely not as trivial as it seems. It's really awful behaviour from a grown man/woman.

OP probably needs to reassess her friendship as well. Why is her friend running off and informing DP of her smoking? Does she have form for trying to create drama in your relationships?

Exactly and that’s all her partner had to do instead of playing these mind games.

How about another take on it.
You dont need to vale and its not good for you in any shape or form.

See this as a chance to give up.
Lots of ppl don't like smoking or vaina these days.
You might end up thanking him.

My stbexh used to hide my fags as he didnt like me smoking. I smoked when I met him so did not understand this at all. Kept saying more you go on about it, the more ill dig my heels in. Wanting and needing to stop any addiction are completely different things.

Get him to fuck.....hes a bully.

Erm no...... she gives up for herself not to appease him!!!

Irrelevant.

it you’re wondering how to address it without it causing a huge row - ie how to appease him because he will become enraged at your boundary or being criticised -that is your MASSIVE red flag right there.

I'd get rid op.

That's very controlling behaviour

Jesus Christ, just dump this little shit already, woman!

That’s taking the spin on positivity to incredulous levels imvho.

So, you’re in your own house vaping and he gets the titty lip on so badly that he hides it? I’d make that room look like an episode of ‘stars in their eyes’ and say ‘tonight Matthew I’m going to be single’

🤣

Have the big row. This is an enormous overstep from your partner. And to do this multiple times? Ugh. Yes have the big row and watch carefully for next steps.

I am no fan of vaping but this controlling behaviour needs to stop right now.

It absolutely 100% worth ending a relationship over.

It’s not about the vape, it’s about them controlling you, and trying to dictate your choices.

I don’t like vaping very much, but I’d never hide someone else’s vape as it’s their choice.

It’s also the thin end of the wedge. Abusers will often start their controlling behaviour with something that’s objectively unhealthy - whether vaping, food choices, an activity or whatever - as it’s so easy to justify. “Oh well it’s bad for you so he’s probably looking out for your health” or “oh well it is a bit of a disgusting habit”.

Then it turns into dictating other choices, until you’re used to never using your own free will.

What on earth are you talking about.

I said i didnt agree with vaping being the same as drinking or other such activities. Point made as i find vaping absolutely vile and not comparable socially to someone drinking..

THEN i made the point that i agreed that the partner in this example was being controlling about hiding the vape. I havent got a clue how you are jumping to such conclusions.

You need to break up. He isn’t ok with the vaping, nor should he need to compromise on that issue.

he also lacks the relationship skills to admit and firmly state his boundaries and instead resorts to subterfuge.

you will never have a healthy relationship.

OP states her partner is very good with their own boundaries, they sound pretty immovable. They just prefer not to respect the OPs.

Of course it’s worth ending a relationship over. It’s controlling unacceptable behaviour.

If he hates vaping, then he shouldn’t have started a relationship with someone who vapes.

What else would you accept him telling you you’re not allowed to do?

Fuck me. He’s not your dad.

Of course it's controlling! How could it be anything else? But either you like it or you don't like it . . .