New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

My partner vapes, I'm not a fan (it is better than smoking though and the vapes helped him quit) but id never hide his vape. It's his and I'm not a crazy controlling person. I never hid his cigarettes either and I really didn't like that!

I can’t see a bun fight. Just countless posters who can see how controlling your partner is.
You’re just sticking your head in the sand.

Of course it’s controlling! He’s hiding your possessions in your house and laughing about it.

He has every right to an opinion on smoking or vaping or whatever, but he does not have the right to stop you from doing it. He either accepts it or leaves the relationship. Which is what you should be doing: his behaviour will get a lot worse if you live together.

It’s rubbish ending a relationship, but you deserve better.

I think most people are missing OP took up vaping over 7 months after they started dating, knowing he hated it when she did so.

He should have dumped her when she took it up rather than trying to hide it, but probably like her didn't want the otherwise good relationship to end.

It's not like eating cake or drinking fizzy pop. Vaping is proven to be really bad for your health, particularly someone with asthma fgs. OP taking up vaping is more akin to drinking alcohol excessively or taking up drugs. Partners won't like it, for me it would be a deal breaker. OP can chose her vape over relationships if she wants (because there will be a large number of people that will not tolerate being with a vaper, not just this chap), but the fact OP has her head in the sand about how awful vaping is for her asthma is worrying.

OP - if your partner used their words and said ‘look, vaping is a no for me, we should ends things’ what would your response be?

So you were an untidy, heavy drinker, that blared music in your car. And when you had enough of the critiscm you binge drank one afternoon and dumped him?

Is part of the issue that you told him when you first met him that you hardly use it, just the odd social occasion, when actually its something you do like and enjoy and im guessing use more frequently than you'd like to admit?

He shouldnt be going about it the way he is, but is there a chance he feels you misled him about how much you vape?

Run, don't walk.

Red flags all over this, OP.

Yeah, YANBU. He's an absolute dick. I don't think you can confidently go ahead with the relationship, because it's a massive red flag regarding his controlling behaviours. He thinks this is acceptable, even if you sort this out there'll be other issues he bosses you on. Run, don't walk.

That said, you're either addicted to your vape or you're not. And if you're not, why vape? Because I'm with the guy you're seeing - vaping gives me the major ick. I wouldn't hide it from you or anyone - I just wouldn't even date anyone that vapes.

Jeezo, controlling much? It’s your vape just now, what’s next? Your clothes, your friends, what you eat, etc..? Get rid op, this will only get worse.

I think this is quite different. Id be really annoyed if i got with a non smoker who didnt vape and then a few months later took it up randomly even knowing i really disliked it.

Sounds like he is hoping to avoid breaking up with you over it but really is hoping you'll give in and stop.

I'll be honest i cant understand why anyone would voluntarily start vaping these days who didnt already have a nicotine addiction

OP, would you please answer before you go (and I can understand why you’re upset/confused), but can you see how illogical this is?

It’s your home and your vape. You bought the vape so you could use it. He knows that. He’s hidden it and now you daren’t ask where he’s put it because then they (him and your friend) will know that you want to use it. Of course you do, it’s precisely why you bought it!

Apart from that, it being your home, he’s hidden it in a safe (from you) place. Would that entail him rummaging around for that safe place?

I know the relationship needs work, I’m working on it.

Hopefully they are as well & hopefully you aren't working on it to your detriment.

You're not compatible, simple as that. You shouldn't have to put up with him hiding your belongings; he shouldn't have to put up with your grim vaping. Find someone else.

Id be really annoyed if i got with a non smoker who didnt vape and then a few months later took it up randomly even knowing i really disliked it.

Me too. I'd probably leave!

Sounds like he is hoping to avoid breaking up with you over it but really is hoping you'll give in and stop.

Perhaps depends what the other red flags are?

I have to say I would be floored if my intelligent adult husband decided to take up vaping for no good reason. It’s a smoking cessation aid!!!

I wouldn't be impressed if my friend did this it's out of order. As others have said get rid of him.

Take the vape out of this, what if this was your purse? Your medication?
what I’m saying is it really doesn’t matter what the object is, the issue is he is Snidey and manipulative enough to hide your belongings.
it’s a proper ick! I’ll bet he was watching you all night hoping you’d search for it. To add to that, he involved another person who is a “mutual” friend, I’d suggest they’re no friend of yours.
back to the vape, hiding it won’t stop you so what’s the real reason it was hidden?
he could have chosen a supportive path of support patches nicotine gum but no he chose to hide it….
good luck

Yes - I am reading her partner as female too.

Haha no, I didn't drink that much but I was toung and liked to drink, he would go out cycling all morning then come home and ask why I hadnt tidied up while he was out and yes I did have loud music in my car.. but I was in my early 20s and I liked it. And it was MY car. Why should I put up with some guys comments on my lifestyle, music choices and comments on when I do my tidying.

This was purely about hiding the vape

But you know that is controlling and unreasonable, so it is highly unlikely it is 'just about the vape' and more about a pattern of behaviour from him that is concerning you.

It doesn't sound like you are at a place where you think you can address it, which is just proof that his way of controlling you is working perfectly, he is making you feel you are wrong, when you are not. In your own house you can do whatever you like and he has absolutely zero right to try and manipulate you into being the person he wants you to be.

The personal comments may have derailed the thread for you, but from everything you have listed above, about YOU being the one to work on the relationship and how YOU wouldn't leave for something so 'minor', you are the perfect target for someone to control and manipulate you, I hope you realise before it's too late that this isn't normal or healthy in a relationship.

Op is doing that because they are hiding her vape and lying about it.

Already nicely trained to feel worried about how the partner will react.

The partner can make that decision anyway if they hate vaping so much.

I would agree though op just needs to say "i vape, deal with it or piss off"

I would be seeing less of this woman. You need to decide how important vaping is to you and whether or not having your behaviour controlled by someone else is acceptable.
I wouldn’t be happy if my husband took up vaping. It’s addictive and smelly. I wouldn’t hide them though but talk about why he had started this knowing I disliked it. As you don’t live together you have the option of just vaping when she is not there but you may want to vape more frequently. I wouldn’t hide the fact that you vape though just say you won’t do it when together but there is to be no more controlling behaviour by them. I suspect the fact that she has strong boundaries herself but is willing to trample over yours means you are better without her.

Well I also hates vapes and wouldn’t want to be with something that vapes or smokes. But his behaviour is a bit controlling. I would say you are not compatible because obviously he doesn’t want to be with someone who vapes and obviously you don’t want to stop.