New partner hiding my vape

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

im a social smoker and keep a vape in the house that I use every now and then when I feel like. Usually after a little drink.

new partner has told me the thought of smoking gives them the ick and has shown their annoyance at me vaping. They’ve hid my vape before and when I’ve asked where it was they’ve laughed and said they’ve hid it as they don’t like me using it. I let it go but was mildly annoyed. Fast forward to last week I had friends around and DP was there. I had a pull or two of my vape but hid the fact from DP. Friend told DP and they pulled me up on it the next day. Said the fact I’m hiding it from them makes them not trust me etc.

over the weekend we were going out and rather than have a drink whilst getting ready I had a bit of my vape. I left it on the dining fable before leaving for certain. DP pulled me up on it the next day and it’s now not there. I haven’t moved it so I know they’ve hidden it again after showing disapproval. I don’t want to degrade myself by asking where they’ve put it as I know they’re going to be waiting for me to ask in a ha ha! So you are using it! Kind of way.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds but it’s really annoyed me. I’m not a child. It’s my home. We don’t live together. AIBU?

So strict on boundaries and free will but only in regards to them?

Come on OP you're seriously accepting this double standard, hypocritical bullshit as OK in a relationship? Get rid now. Things will not get better especially if you move in together.

Oh and the hiding the vape isn’t to stop you vaping (he knows you can easily replace it) it’s punitive.

Rad this back to yourself?

You need to find a back bone. So they can have their boundaries and you cannot tell them what to do but the reverse is fine.

This comes across like an age gap relationship with you being much younger but if you are not willing to stand up for yourself to your controlling partner then that’s that.

If he’s strict on boundaries and free speech how come he doesn’t care about yours?

She/he (I’m guessing she) is crossing a line and I wonder if she’s controlling in other ways? If it gives them the ick then they should find a non smoker

Absolutely. Being an adult means not hiding vapes because you dont like it AND not putting up with a partner who hides vapes. This could be sorted in 10 mins.

"I'm not stopping vaping and you hide my vape again and we are finished"
"I cant stand your vaping and if you vape again we are finished"

"Have a nice life, we are finished"

I doesnt and cannot go any other way unless one of them backs down which would be an unhealthy basis for the relationship

Oh well, you’ve made your bed…as the saying goes.

Smoking isn't "social". You're asthmatic as well. Buy yourself a spirometer and use that for breathing excercises. You don't want popcorn lung. I agree,you aren't compatible.

Well OP is hiding stuff and lying too. She's hiding occassions where she's vaping and lying about the frequency of which she vapes. She does this to downplay the frequency at which she vapes, knowing DP's views on vaping. Perhaps if OP was honest with how much she vapes it would allow DP to make an informed decision on whether he actually wants to be in a relationship with a regular smoker. Otherwise OP is deisregarding DP feelings as you say.

I wouldn't want to date a smoker/vaper, but I’d have not started dating in the first place rather than hide the vape. Neither of you should be dating each other really as each behaviour sounds like deal breakers. .

I'm not a fan of vaping. But you're an adult and your own person. If it disgusts him that much, then clearly you're not going to work. He can't dictate your habits to this degree.

To echo others - your 'D' P knows that you vape. Yet they've chosen to be with you, knowing this and also knowing that they don't like it. But instead of having a proper chat about their fears for your health or their own dislike of the smell (which yes, does linger), they hide your vape. How in the world do they think that will pan out? You won't be able to find it, so you'll just shrug and say 'oh well, I'll never vape again then.'? Seriously?

Because never mind controlling behaviour (which it is), anyone with this childish kind of mindset wants binning. Do you think they'd do this to a heroin addict? Hide their supply because it will make them give up?

I don’t condone smoking, either cigarettes or vaping but it’s your body and your choice OP. Hiding your vape is controlling and coercive. Dump the twat…….but do look after your health too.

Bloody hell I would certainly end my relationship over this!!

I would tell them to not do it again and if they did it would be over.

Why are you being so passive about this?
This is your personal property and they are coming into your home and hiding your shit.

Stop being such a wet wipe and stand up for yourself.

You address it by addressing it. Tell him that you like the occasional vape, and that you don't want him to hide it.

If that makes him angry then obviously, it's time to rethink the relationship.

It is up to your partner to decide whether they want to continue the relationship with a smoker.

If not then they can leave.

This deserves a report on the follow up conversation. It truly just needs a bit of honesty.

This is outrageous. If your partner doesnt like you vaping then she or he should not be hiding the bloody thing. They need to decide whether or not they want to be with someone who vapes.

If you vaping is a deal breaker for her or him then fair enough. She/he has that right. They don't have the right to hide it and try to control you.

The conversation you need to have is don't you dare pull this shit again, you complete hypocrite. Banging on about your boundaries and free will while stomping all over mine

Control control control control control control control

This is the male version of the woman on another thread wanting to control her husband drinking fizzy drink and eating cake.

No one should try to control what someone else does (not in general, I'm of course not referring to abuse, that's a different issue altogether).

He needs to either put up with it or stop being in a relationship with you.

Start hiding something of his. And when he winges tell him you don't like him doing it.

I had a boyfriend years that would make comments on my drinking, tidying and level of loudness music in my car.
One day I stayed over at his house and on the sunday I got so fed up with his comments I bought two bottles of red wine drank them to myself all afternoon, dumped him and went home (on the train). I never answered his calls after that.
This sounds very similar. If you don't get rid of him now, you will eventually. So stop wasting time.

Definitely a dumping offence on its own, without the other red flags you've mentioned.. what are they by the way?

Everyone saying you should break up with your partner over this but equally I think your partner neds to really consider whether they should break up with you. You seem to being a bit childish over this, your partner more so. They clearly hate vaping and find it a massive turn off and just want you to quit. But you enjoy it it apparently helps you and you don't want to quit.

You need to sit down together like adults and work out whether this is a deal breaker or not, or one or both of you needs to compromise. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who finds something you enjoy a turn off, and do they really want to be so turned off in a relationship they are resorting to childish behaviour?

I’ve just written a long passage in my notes to copy and paste but when I’ve read further comments I really can’t be bothered with this thread turning into a bun fight. I know the relationship needs work, I’m working on it. I’m not the type of person to leave over things like this and yes I’ve had therapy but it’s just not in my nature to do that. This was purely about hiding the vape but I think the fact I’m unwilling to talk about other things speaks volumes as I know what the responses will be. That said, thank you for the responses provided already I have definitely taken them on board, and I will be reflecting on everything over the coming days and also having a conversation with DP when the issues next arise.

The fact that you have said there are other red flags should be making you reconsider this relationship.